Home

When my kids do st that makes me feel helpless, I lose it
1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 7:33 am
And yell like crazy.
Like when my 4 year old comes upstairs after I told him not to, and wakes up the baby. Those type of things.
Can you please help me learn to keep my cool?
Back to top

imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 7:40 am
It's not easy! I find it helpful to remember who's in charge.

I'm in charge of my kids. If they don't follow an instruction, either they didn't understand it, or it was asking too much of them, and I have to rethink my setup (why might they come up? Boredom? Hunger?)

I'm in charge of myself. I can choose to yell and blame, or I can choose to make peace and find answers. I can choose to do less so I'm rested enough.

Hashem is in charge of me. Hashem sends the nisyonos, and they're for my good.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 8:00 am
That sounds nice in theory but way too hard for me to take anything from it practically.

Just now, my 4 yo took his bread and threw it on the floor. He knows good and well we have an ant problem and that food attracts ants. My rule is not too much, snd he does understand.
I feel like crying and I am so so so angry and helpless and frustrated.
Back to top

amother




Chicory
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 8:30 am
I know exactly how you feel. Same for me. Hard to remain focused and feel in control, when really not in control and kids do the darndest of things that just add to your work when already have so much to do. Just try to remember kids don't think the way we do and when they are around, expect things to go wrong despite all plans and preparations put into place. Imagine beforehand, how you would ideally respond when things like that happen. It is a work in progress and applaud your self for any small successes (when you can stay more in control of yourself) on the way.
Back to top

amother




Lavender
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 8:35 am
Not op, but struggle with older kids waking baby, too. Doesn't the baby deserve to sleep? Is it too much to ask bigger kids not to wake baby up? Do parents really have to bribe to get big kids to be quiet when baby sleep? Way too much candy in their lives. Buying toys all the time devalues them. So frustrated and I didn't write the post.
Back to top

amother




Charcoal
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 8:38 am
I grew up in a chaotic household. Being around chaos makes me feel out of control. I tried all sorts of methods and while I "knew" what to do, my body took over and I had no control and I yelled and screamed.
It turns out my body felt like it's experiencing the trauma all over again any time I was around chaos. The body psychically went into fight, flight or freeze mode. The primary emotion is often fear and feeling out of control. Once I did trauma work in those areas in therapy, my body just relaxed I am able to deal with the same scenarios effectively.
Back to top

amother




Slateblue
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 10:36 am
amother [ Charcoal ] wrote:
I grew up in a chaotic household. Being around chaos makes me feel out of control. I tried all sorts of methods and while I "knew" what to do, my body took over and I had no control and I yelled and screamed.
It turns out it makes my body felt like it's experiencing the trauma all over again any time I was around chaos. The body psychically went into fight, flight or freeze mode. The primary emotion is often fear and feeling out of control. Once I did trauma work in those areas in therapy, my body just relaxed I am able to deal with the same scenarios effectively.


Whoa!
I need to hear more.

What type of trauma work?
What type of therapy?
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 10:39 am
amother [ Charcoal ] wrote:
I grew up in a chaotic household. Being around chaos makes me feel out of control. I tried all sorts of methods and while I "knew" what to do, my body took over and I had no control and I yelled and screamed.
It turns out it makes my body felt like it's experiencing the trauma all over again any time I was around chaos. The body psychically went into fight, flight or freeze mode. The primary emotion is often fear and feeling out of control. Once I did trauma work in those areas in therapy, my body just relaxed I am able to deal with the same scenarios effectively.


Makes sense. I grew up with a yelling hitting unloving controlling mom. I went to therapy and it helped I guess for what I needed, but did not seem to help address this current issue.
Back to top

ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 10:44 am
OP, it makes total sense. It takes many years not to freak out when a child spills an entire bottle of milk on the floor, or even a cupful of milk or juice on the floor. Especially after it's been washed.
It's a lot of inner work. Prepare yourself before, that today my child is going to throw bread or snack on the floor and I am NOT going to yell! Period! I will close my eyes and start practicing my breathing exercises to help me calm down.
I made sort of a vow bli neder that if my kids spill something or make crumbs all over, I am bli neder NOT going to yell about it! I will try to calm down, wipe it up and then if I can convey the message to them calmly, that it's not ok to do that, then I will.
It takes years of work, but it's very doable. You are a human being and will fail again, however, pat yourself on your back for your effort and for the few times that you CAN control yourself from yelling.
Hugs and hatzlocha! It's a journey that many of us travel plenty of times with different things!
Back to top

amother




Charcoal
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 10:45 am
amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:
Whoa!
I need to hear more.

What type of trauma work?
What type of therapy?

I did EMDR with a trained trauma therapist. But there are many different trauma modalities that she could have done. Each person is wired differently and the therapist should find the modality that works best for you.
For me, inner child work just didn't work and I got stuck which is why I switched to a trauma specialist (my therapist recommended that).
Back to top

#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 11:12 am
You have to accept that ALL kids don't listen to parents - this is the nature of kids.

So stop expecting your son to listen, when you tell him not to go upstairs.

Then you have to come up with a Plan to achieve your goal.

1. Maybe tell him if he doesn't go upstairs, he will get a treat.

2. Maybe tell him if he goes upstairs he will get a consequence.

3. Maybe putting up some kind of door to prevent son from going upstairs.

4. Tell older child to watch that son doesn't go upstairs - maybe take him to playroom
or outside to play.

Every time you have these situations, when you are calm - come up with a PLAN to prevent
it from happening again. Don't think that just telling your son not to go upstairs will work
One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over - and expecting different results.

Hatzlochah!
Back to top

#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 11:26 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
That sounds nice in theory but way too hard for me to take anything from it practically.

Just now, my 4 yo took his bread and threw it on the floor. He knows good and well we have an ant problem and that food attracts ants. My rule is not too much, snd he does understand.
I feel like crying and I am so so so angry and helpless and frustrated.


Go to a parenting class and ask for guidance on how to handle these situations.

But know that your child is behaving normally. Just like you don't get angry that a baby is not
toilet trained, you have to expect that children don't listen to their parents.

I am a believer in giving consequences (punishment) to teach listening to parents - and even
then it doesn't work 100% - nothing does. It just reduces the frequency.

Others believe in just giving rewards.

But knowing this is normal and all mothers have this issue might make you feel calmer.

Then come up with a PLAN - HOW will I react when my son throws bread on the floor.

Speak to a parenting coach.
Back to top

imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 11:55 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:


Just now, my 4 yo took his bread and threw it on the floor. He knows good and well we have an ant problem and that food attracts ants. My rule is not too much, snd he does understand.
I feel like crying and I am so so so angry and helpless and frustrated.


Just as your 4 year old "knows good and well" not to throw bread on the floor but did it anyway, so, too, you "know good and well" not to lose your temper.

You see, knowing intellectually isn't enough sometimes. That's why that suggestion for EMDR makes a lot of sense.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 12:00 pm
What is EMDR?
I went to a therapist who wanted to try some method but it didn’t work on me. I am a skeptical cynical person.
Back to top

amother




Tealblue
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 12:25 pm
My kids are teens and I worked on myself a lot in this area. I’m proud to say I made huge improvements. I have a couple of very hard kids along with more typical ones. You have to think about the big picture about why we’re in this world. You can’t control what type of kids Hashem gives you. Maybe you got especially difficult kids because Hashem wants you to have opportunities to be mtaken in this area. So when they wake up the baby or throw food on the floor you know it’s not them, it’s Hashem giving you this amazing opportunity to emulate Him. How would Hashem want you to be mechanech this precious child? You have to be firm and set limits but do so in a non-emotional way, without negativity. Calm, confident, kind.

Naps will go better if they know they have to stay in bed until an hour or whatever’s up, that if they come down early it adds minutes to their nap. Also a cozy story after nap or something to look forward to, which they can lose if they come out of bed more than once...something that can be a consequence but not too high stakes.
Back to top

amother




Gardenia
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 12:27 pm
Me too. And even if I'm dealing with two things and a third thing comes up, even if it's not a crazy situation, I will lose it. It's just too much for me. And yes, I did grow up with chaos.

One thing my therapist told me to do that is so simple it sounds silly, is to take a deep breath. Recently I was listening to an audiobook that guides you through different kinds of breath work, and it helped me understand better how to breathe in a calming way. I also try to tell myself that it's not an emergency and I don't have to respond immediately. I can take a moment to think.

So the deep, slow breath (after learning how to breathe properly, maybe check YouTube) while telling myself it's ok, I don't have to respond right away. It will keep for a moment until I'm done. Block out the sounds and respond when you're ready.

I don't usually remember to do this, and I still lose it, but I find when I do, it's very helpful.
Back to top

amother




Charcoal
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 12:36 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What is EMDR?
I went to a therapist who wanted to try some method but it didn’t work on me. I am a skeptical cynical person.

Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing. You process the trauma while doing rapid eye movements. It sounds weird. But it's amazing.
EMDR was gentle and the therapist was soothing. She moved her finger back and forth slowly and I followed with my eyes. (She also offered me the EMDR lights that go back and forth but I found her hand movements more soothing.)
The results speak for themselves. We worked off a scale and saw the trauma going down.

It doesn't have to be EMDR, there are many other methods for trauma. But triggers are deep seated in your past and trauma work is needed with a professional to process the trauma and overcome the past. Then your body won't react the same way.
Back to top

tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 12:57 pm
At some point we learn that we are only in control of our own behavior. You can teach, suggest, encourage, model, all day and night but only your own actions and reactions are in your control.
Kids wake babies, yes.
Problem solve to be proactive instead of being stuck in a helpless rage at any given unforeseen moment.
Back to top

tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 12:59 pm
amother [ Tealblue ] wrote:
My kids are teens and I worked on myself a lot in this area. I’m proud to say I made huge improvements. I have a couple of very hard kids along with more typical ones. You have to think about the big picture about why we’re in this world. You can’t control what type of kids Hashem gives you. Maybe you got especially difficult kids because Hashem wants you to have opportunities to be mtaken in this area. So when they wake up the baby or throw food on the floor you know it’s not them, it’s Hashem giving you this amazing opportunity to emulate Him. How would Hashem want you to be mechanech this precious child? You have to be firm and set limits but do so in a non-emotional way, without negativity. Calm, confident, kind.

Great post
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 1:00 pm
It’s too hard Crying
It feels impossible
I have so much on my plate. Normal Challenges bh but I’m exhausted between my part time job and being a mom and wife.
Back to top
1, 2  Next Recent Topics

Page 1 of 2 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Do I ask my kids for money?
by amother
7 Today at 4:56 am View last post
Nice park for kids near Chestnut/seagull square area
by amother
5 Today at 12:10 am View last post
[ Poll ] Do you give your kids hotdogs?
by amother
48 Today at 12:00 am View last post
PSA: Kids and Secrets S/O of other thread 3 Yesterday at 11:17 am View last post
Disorganized ruining my kids
by amother
18 Yesterday at 10:14 am View last post