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blessedflower




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 10:47 am
The parenting style in my neighbourbood in Israel is so different than what I'm used to. Little kids go shopping alone, are in the park alone. I dont allow my 7 yo to go alone to the park, friend or makolet. She is very upset about it.
Also the kids get here tons of candy every day. I find it extremely unhealthy. My dd came home from gan (40 kids) every day with a different nosh. A birthday, a mom had a baby, a engagement of a sibling, a yurtzeit even. It was totally out of hand. Also now in first grade there is barely a day where she comes home without a candy. If she does her home work she gets a toffee, if she brings a mitzvah note - a candy, if she gets hurt - a candy. It just doesnt stop. Sometimes it is big stuff. Like a 'tropit' (a bag with disgusting sweet drink) or a whole little bag of sour jellys. If she goes to a friend she gets a candy from the mom. If she returns something to the neighbours she gets a candy.
I offered her to give her a shekel for every candy she gives me. I tried telling her all candies go in a bag and shabbes she can eat them. The bag was growing faster than my baby does. We couldn't keep up with it. I explained how unhealthy it is. She gets so so wild from sugar!
I am in a fight of letting go as much as possible and on my giving her candy only shabbes. It's a struggle constantly and she feels it. Now I'm the summer she wants ices all day. She keeps on crying and begging that her friends get... She wants when she goes to school and when she comes home. I only give her on shabbes. There is just no way I'm going to put more sugar in her body than necessary.
I noticed a few times that she ate candy and hid the wrapper. I ignored it. When it became really bad I started keeping the sweets in my bedroom.

Now the big question:
She went to a friend after school. The mom just called me that my dd right away when an came wanted to go but candy for shabbes. They have a makolet right nexto them. She couldn't stop her. My dd said she has 4,30 shekel, but she thinks it might have been 34 because at bought candy for a hungerstrike. I'm going to pick her up now. What do I do? How do I react.
I told my dh recently that if we fight with her so much she is going to go behind our back... well now she did big time (I have a feeling it happened before, only this mom was so kind to tell me. also it was a much bigger purchase today).
It's her own money, that I do know.
WHAT DO I DO? I WANT TO ACT SMART! I JUST CAN'T KEEP UP WITH THE ISRAELI STANDARDS BUT ALSO DON'T THINK IT'S HEALTY TO CONSTANTLY FIGHT WITH MY DD ABOUT THIS BOUNDARIES
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mizle10




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 10:55 am
In my opinion, feeling the need to hide food, buy secret food, constantly in a battle over food is much more damaging in the long run than sugar.
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amother




Hyacinth
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 10:58 am
You can make your own ices from fruit, making it healthier.
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avrahamama




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 11:01 am
mizle10 wrote:
In my opinion, feeling the need to hide food, buy secret food, constantly in a battle over food is much more damaging in the long run than sugar.


The sugar is maddening.

Make sure you get as much nutritious food in her as you can so that she's too ful for the candy.

I don't even think it's about the candy for her at this point. Its her way of asserting her independence.

Maybe find ways for her to feel in charge of these choices.
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amother




Peony
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 11:05 am
I think ices are important in the heat. You can make your own with water or fruit.

As far as the school, can you have a talk with the teacher? Otherwise you're fighting a losing battle.

You can try educating her about sugar by getting kids health books from the library or showing her kid-friendly videos, if videos are something you do.
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rowena




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 11:17 am
I don’t have any advice for you, but can I recommend the Instagram account @kids.eat.in.color. She has a lot of good information regarding the division of responsibility between parents and children for nutrition.
Personally I mostly keep very nutrient dense foods at home, not a lot of nosh (but not exclusively no nosh) and I back off when we aren’t home.
I also include my daughter in menu planning when I make my list for the week, so she knows that she will have food that she likes at least some of the time.
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amother




Bergamot
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 11:21 am
OP I mostly stopped fighting with my kids over sugar but it still kills me inside. People who say the fighting and hiding is worse than the sugar just don’t get it. They are both terrible, and nobody battles over this for fun. And until society as a whole decides to put a stop to this the parents who care and the kids who suffer will be trapped. It’s a sad reality to accept.
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blessedflower




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 11:26 am
rowena wrote:
I don’t have any advice for you, but can I recommend the Instagram account @kids.eat.in.color. She has a lot of good information regarding the division of responsibility between parents and children for nutrition.
Personally I mostly keep very nutrient dense foods at home, not a lot of nosh (but not exclusively no nosh) and I back off when we aren’t home.
I also include my daughter in menu planning when I make my list for the week, so she knows that she will have food that she likes at least some of the time.
I do that already. I make foods she likes and chooses. She is a good easy eater. She loves fruits and gets as many as she wants. I ask her which cookies to buy before I do a shopping.
The problem is really only the candy. I offered her to make ices at home, she didn't want. I feel it's a list battle
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blessedflower




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 11:27 am
HOW DO I REACT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?
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smss




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 11:31 am
I wouldn't say anything at all.
It will only make the problem worse.

She's obviously feeling restricted, which... well, if you want your kids to be obsessed with sugar, restrict it and fight about it.

I don't agree with bribing kids with candy at all, or even serving it that often. But fighting her on this is just going to make the situation worse.
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blessedflower




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 11:39 am
avrahamama wrote:
The sugar is maddening.

Make sure you get as much nutritious food in her as you can so that she's too ful for the candy.

I don't even think it's about the candy for her at this point. Its her way of asserting her independence.

Maybe find ways for her to feel in charge of these choices.
you are right, I think it's about her independence. Just yesterday she was crying how it is unfair that I don't let her go alone for a walk with our baby. I can't and don't wanto keep up with the standards here. She cries every day for a different reason. Why I don't let her go to the shop alone, because to boy of the neighbours goes alone since he became 5! Her friends are alone in the park. I see it, but I refuse to let her go alone. Once I let her go alone, because I knew a big girl was watching her. She came home before 7 pm instead of 6pm. It was terrible because I had an appointment at the mikvah and was getting ready to go...
I do let her go and come alone from school as it is on my street, a few buildings away. But her classmates went alone to the gan when it was much further away. She says she is embarrassed that she can't do things alone and I have to walk her to her friends house. I let her help with the baby, help her give a bath, change diapers. Whatever she wants. Peel vegetables for soup... She loves helping me.
What other responsibilities can I give her. What other choises can I let her make.
This is really hard for me
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amother




Bergamot
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 11:44 am
smss wrote:
I wouldn't say anything at all.
It will only make the problem worse.

She's obviously feeling restricted, which... well, if you want your kids to be obsessed with sugar, restrict it and fight about it.

I don't agree with bribing kids with candy at all, or even serving it that often. But fighting her on this is just going to make the situation worse.
Not looking for a debate so just going to leave this here, but kids being obsessed with sugar isn’t always because they’re restricted. That’s like saying people become addicted to cocaine or heroine because they were restricted as kids. Or that we have to give addicts a little cocaine and heroine every day because otherwise they will feel restricted and deprived and resentful. Sugar is more addictive than drugs, mice and rats in studies prefer sugar over addictive drugs, and the more kids have the more they want it. I’m not saying the answer is to restrict it, because it will always be around and it WILL make kids feel resentful. But I HATE that the blame is placed on the parents for causing them to be obsessed. It’s just so unfair. It’s not like it’s something they need for healthy development, it’s something that they want only because it’s around and their brain will keep wanting it as long as it’s around.
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 11:47 am
Have an open conversation about how she feels and try to come to a meeting of the minds.
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blessedflower




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 11:51 am
smss wrote:
I wouldn't say anything at all.
It will only make the problem worse.

She's obviously feeling restricted, which... well, if you want your kids to be obsessed with sugar, restrict it and fight about it.

I don't agree with bribing kids with candy at all, or even serving it that often. But fighting her on this is just going to make the situation worse.
so I would agree with you. But what do I do with the other things she cries about. I'm worried she will do the same (she tried running away from me once already and walk home alone. She also asks me to ignore her when we go somewhere together so people shouldn't realize that she belongs to me and they should think she walks by herself). I refuse to let a 7 yo do shopping alone and go to the park alone. the park is right nexto me but I can't see her from my window as it is on the other side. She sees kids outside untill at least 8 - 8:30 pm and than she cries bitter tears that she can see friends outside playing when she had to put on pyjamas already. She needs her sleep. G-d knows how these other moms can let their kids play outside until so late. When do they shower and eat supper?
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blessedflower




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 11:53 am
behappy2 wrote:
Have an open conversation about how she feels and try to come to a meeting of the minds.
can you advise me a little more on this. Can I rationalize with a stubborn 7 yo?


Argh I hate it so much. She is such a good kid and recently I'm only fighting with her. You will think she is a teenager
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amother




Peony
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 11:56 am
Independence is based on what she does with it. So if for example, she's allowed to have her own money and go to the store by herself, and she uses those privileges to make bad choices by buying a ton of candy, that shows she can't be trusted. Little by little, as she shows that she can be trusted to make good choices, she can earn more independence. This is a conversation you need to have with her.
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banana split




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 12:20 pm
amother [ Bergamot ] wrote:
OP I mostly stopped fighting with my kids over sugar but it still kills me inside. People who say the fighting and hiding is worse than the sugar just don’t get it. They are both terrible, and nobody battles over this for fun. And until society as a whole decides to put a stop to this the parents who care and the kids who suffer will be trapped. It’s a sad reality to accept.

Feel exactly the same way. It’s a lost battle. OP or it makes you feel better the US is the same.
And actually worse. Because the US is the only developed country in the world that the FDA allows companies to put artificial coloring in products geared towards children Sad
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amother




Valerian
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 12:26 pm
I keep hearing on here that you need to let kids have as much sugar as they want, otherwise they will end up doing behind your back etc.

But, no one talks about all the dentistry work that kids are needing done these days. After hearing my kid's screams at the dentist (and this is even with using laughing gas etc.) how can I go and let them have so much sugar??

I don't understand this at all.
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avrahamama




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 12:29 pm
Would you feel comfortable with her going "alone" with a friend that is the same age? Get her a watch. Let her know that this is a trial to see if she can follow safety rules?

Also I don't let my 11 yr old son go out with more than a certain amount of money and we talk about how to spend money a lot
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amother




Bergamot
 

Post Thu, Jun 10 2021, 12:30 pm
amother [ Valerian ] wrote:
I keep hearing on here that you need to let kids have as much sugar as they want, otherwise they will end up doing behind your back etc.

But, no one talks about all the dentistry work that kids are needing done these days. After hearing my kid's screams at the dentist (and this is even with using laughing gas etc.) how can I go and let them have so much sugar??

I don't understand this at all.
If only cavities were the only concern. In my own kids, in addition to multiple cavities and poor oral health, we have unhealthy weight gain, yeast overgrowth, pinworms and other intestinal parasites and behavioral problems that get worse with sugar and dye. But god forbid I restrict them and cause resentment and eating disorders. And of course it’s my attempts at limiting that caused the obsessions Rolling Eyes
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