I need help, how should I react?

Sesame

Fri, Jun 11 2021, 3:10 am

Yep, this is one thing most mothers in Israel deal with.
The only way to change things is if mothers put a stop to it. No easy feat!
Personally I’m a morah atm (just doing maternity leave) and a kid once sent candy. Didn’t say anything cos it was a one off for me. Dunno what was the rest of the year. But all the kids had to put their candies in their tik and I told them when they’re home, they can ask their parents if they’re allowed to have this special candy for Shabbos. Not much more I can do really. It really falls on parents to stop sending. Since then I ask parents not to send candy, but they send igloo. Never compared how bad that is though. It’s probably the same minus the rock hardness of candy.
Problem is that it’s the cheapest “prize” or gift.
Mine doesn’t like candy so it’s not a problem for me at home cos it’s anyway going in the garbage. My daughter brings it home to show me, asks me to open, and literally throws away on her own accord, so I never say anything cos there’s no need.

Sesame

Fri, Jun 11 2021, 3:23 am

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

Pepophile rings all over, especially in areas where little kids are in a park by themselves...

Yes. In my neighbourhood there are some shady figures in the park. And kids do stupid stuff in the street. I always go with to the park, so I do take responsibility for the kids that are there unsupervised. Not all the mothers like getting involved but if something happened, it would be neglect on my part! Dh is of the opinion I shouldn’t get involved, he gets very upset with me.
Once saw a child under 10 smoking. I told him he needs to get rid of it immediately. He was very angry and said his mother lets. I told him that unfortunately his mother isn’t there and I don’t let. I would happily allow him to call his mother on my phone so he could check in with her, or take it home to show her and ask her. He obviously declined.
Hope I’m not considered too nosy, but certain things are hard not to get involved in!

amother

Fri, Jun 11 2021, 6:48 am

Sesame wrote:

but they can give out stickers or balloons. Also I'm my case it's definitely a problem with the teacher to. Instead of giving good point or making a chart and getting at the end of the week I month a present or even a candy (I'm not against it once in a while) they get it every single day. And sometimes multiple candies a day

Last edited by amother on Wed, Aug 31 2022, 2:30 pm; edited 1 time in total

Elfrida

Fri, Jun 11 2021, 7:06 am

Is it the teacher or the school? If it's the teacher, I'd just let it go. The school year is almost over.

You can discuss it with her before the new school year starts. She'll be bigger, and gets more privileges and more responsibilities, and you can decide together what she is allowed to do.

You don't say where you live. If it is on a yishuv, the children really are much more independent, and there's a limit to how far it is possible to fight it. If you're in a city, try getting her together with other children of olim. Summer is a good time to do this, when she is out of the school environment. Maybe send her to an english speaking kaytana. The parents ideas may be closer to yours, and you would be able to talk to them about how far to adapt.

amother

Snapdragon

Fri, Jun 11 2021, 7:12 am

First of all you need to accept the culture here that they give out a lot of candy unfortunately. Second of all don't worry by second grade they start getting less candy especially the girls. I also think you are very restrictive and need to let go a little bit. What is wrong with igloo's? It's no food coloring, and very small. A couple of those a day is not a big deal. I don't think it's necessary to make homemade iced and make her feel so different. Regarding being outside alone or walking to school alone it's very hard and you need to figure out a plan. Firstly till 9 she is not legally allowed to cross roads, so you should explain it to her. We use to walk our kids to school and when they met kids on the way they walked with their friend and we walked from behind watching. The same on the way home, we would wait for children , they would come out of school say hi for a second and walk further behind as they walked with friends. As they got older we crossed them big roads and they walked rest of way themselves. Regarding parks you may have to start hanging out in the parks with rest of kids so she can play with friends. You need to think of a plan that works for your family and also set boundaries but not in a super restrictive way. Your DD makes you feel guilty all day and still need boundaries.
Just because my kids got candy in school or at friends doesn't mean I served them candies at home all day, they knew it is for shabbos. But if a friend came over with candy one afternoon I would let them enjoy. Good luck it is very challenging!

amother

Fri, Jun 11 2021, 9:09 am

Lizzie4 wrote:

I can relate. I live in Israel too. I have a 7 year old son who also love sweets. My kids do not do well with so much sugar at all, especially my younger son with ADD. My rule is treats only on Shabbos. What happens in school I cannot control, but we don't have treats in the house and we only buy for Shabbos. If you have money and want to buy a treat during the week you need to save it for Shabbos. If you want to buy something for now, you can buy a chocolate, no sugary candy.

In terms of independence, I don't let my kids roam the neighborhood alone. I heard from Rabbi Brezak that kids going places alone at that age should have a place where they are going, not just go out and hang with the big kids, even though a lot of kids here do that.

I send my 7 and 5 year old to the Makolet for 1-2 items. I let my 7 year old go to his friends house (who I know) alone, he can go to his Chug alone, he can deliver baked goods to my friends and come back right away.

Also, I'll go out with the kids and supervise them so they can be with their friends.

my dd really doesnt do well on sugar. Yes she is getting evaluated now for ADD. I can't let her go to the makolet because there are only two in my area. A yesh chesed that at needs to cross a big street. It's a walk of 15 minutes (for me 10) or a little makolet that is in a different neighbourhood close to me, to get there she would need to go through an unofficial pathway (that's where I saw snakes a few times already and kids asking me for help because they got scared). To school I let her walk alone because I feel it's safe. In the park I don't mind going to sit there everyday. She wants to go by herself davka. She wants to go for a walk with the baby herself. When we are in the park I let her walk around with the baby alone as long as she stays in my view.

I want to add that I spoke with my dh about it. I got some good advise here. We decided to let go of the whole candy thing. It's in our regular cookie cupboard now. I will recommend she eats candy only shabbes but let her decide herself. I will assume she will eat a lot in the beginning but it will stabilize after a while.
We also decided that for smaller shoppings I will take her to the makolet and ask her to go inside to do the shopping while I wait outside, I'll tell her it's hard with the stroller. We will both do our best and see what else we can do. Thx all

Last edited by amother on Wed, Aug 31 2022, 2:31 pm; edited 1 time in total