Dd 16 yo is very chutzpah to me

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 11:32 am

She is extremely successful in school academically, very popular, teachers tell me she is a role model very kind to all the girls and very talented and a leader in organizing school projects. We had and have some problems at home. Mainly with dh it used to be worse but now he is just very selfish easily to get provoked. I learned how to put boundaries for dh and now he is ok at home for about ten years or more. because all of my past marriage problems in contrast to dd I don’t have many friends in the community (I used to have a lot of friends when dd was a baby). She is my youngest. She calls me weirdo, the worst mother in the world, I hate you, go kill yourself, go clean up (she doesn’t help), shut up, get out of my room and more. I was tolerating it because right now I have low self esteem and I thought that it will pass because she is a teen. My older children also passed this phase and now are very respectful and loving to me. Wwyd

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:19 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

How did you respond when DD was chutzpadik as a 6 year old?

She started at an older age I think as a preteen. I just tolerated it because I felt guilty for the bad situation at home. I did say and say now you are not allowed to talk that way to your mother. It’s not כיבוד אב ואם. It’s chutzpah.

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:40 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

How does DD treat your husband? siblings?

She is the youngest and only one at home now. When siblings come to visit or for yom tov she treats them well. She will scream at dh but he is not much at home and he screams at her if she does anything bad. Sometimes he will lose his temper with her for no reason but he doesn’t spend much time with her so it’s not often at all. She does sometimes calls him the same names but mainly it’s me.

imasinger

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:43 pm

BB# is asking great questions.

A few more.

How did you change things with DH when they were bad?

Have there been any significant changes for DD during that time?

Have you ever spoken to the other kids, now that they're over that stage, on what it was like for them?

What holds you back from setting limits with this DD?

#BestBubby

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:45 pm

You are being abused.

I would secretly record her abuse.

Then tell her I would play it for her principals, teachers, Rov of the shul,
to ask advice on how to help her.

OR she could go to family therapist WITH you.

I.e. use the recordings to force her into therapy.

Here is an ebay link to a mini voice recorder. I have used these to secretly record abusive people.
Only $13

https://www.ebay.com/itm/32417.....c65Lq

Last edited by #BestBubby on Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:51 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Navyblue

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:47 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Personally, I don't think it is a good idea to counter chutzpah with "You aren't allowed to talk to me that way." And/or bring up kibud av v'eim. Especially for a teenager.

I would probably try to reason with her- "Do I speak to you that way? Would you like to be called those names? I know being called that hurts me. If something is bothering you, I would really love to discuss it like mature people." But I would really need to make sure I am modeling good, calm, mature communication so I am not being a hypocrite.

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:49 pm

amother [ Navyblue ] wrote:

I tried that. She said shut up weirdo I hate you

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:50 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

I won’t do that. I know I’m being abused. I can’t ruin her life because my life was ruined. Dh is as very abusive in the past.

amother

Diamond

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:51 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Not sure it's the way to go...
Fwiw, I have the same issues with my teen DD and see friends daughters also being disrespectful Sad

OP, maybe remove yourself from the situation when she's talking like this? If she's saying it while needing something from you, say that you won't discuss/listen to her until she apologizes and speaks normally?
Go to a therapist yourself, to learn how to deal with it?

#BestBubby

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:52 pm

amother [ Navyblue ] wrote:

Disagree.

DD KNOWS she is hurting mother. She WANTS to hurt Mother.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:53 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I won’t do that. I know I’m being abused. I can’t ruin her life because my life was ruined. Dh is as very abusive in the past.

I didn't say to do it.

I said to threaten to do it.

Even if you never do it, the fact that DD knows you have these recordings, might
make her more careful. She may hesitate to call you names, knowing that you may
be recording her.

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:54 pm

imasinger wrote:

I went to therapy when dh was abusive. We were almost divorced. I learned to put boundaries and dh gradually stopped his abusive behavior. If he tries sometimes I tell him to never dare to try to talk that way. He learned to not be abusive. He can also be ignored and not get what he wants from me if he will start. Dd was very young and idk if she remembers. She knows that dh has a short fuse. I spoke to some of the kids but I didn’t say anything about dh bad behavior. They know we had terrible family situation.

amother

Navyblue

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I tried that. She said shut up weirdo I hate you

So then make a statement "It seems like something I have done is bothering you. If you can talk to me about it without using hurtful names or disrespectful language, great. I would love to try and change to make things better/easier for you. But I cannot have a discussion with you this way. I love you and I am here for you dd." And then walk away. This way you set up a boundary and left the ball in her court.