They can say No | Imamother

Crookshanks

Wed, Jun 16 2021, 1:28 pm

SuperWify wrote:

This is a great question. I have a hard time saying no. I’m a nice person and I like to show everyone I can do everything. What happens is that I end up getting burned quite often from those who take advantage of me. It creates lots of bad feelings. I’m working on setting boundaries but it’s not easy for a person like me.

We have a family wedding soon iy”H. I just got a new wig. It’s a bit delicate and I want to save it for special occasions. My SM said it’s better not to wear to the actual wedding because of the updo and dancing but rather to save it for Sheva Brachos. My SIL saw it on me and asked to borrow it for the wedding. I nicely explained to her why I couldn’t lend it to her. She went on and on how I’m not wearing it anyway and that she’ll be careful with it so really what’s the big deal? I literally felt like a bad person for saying no. She even had my MIL intervene. My MIL said she’ll buy me a new one. I don’t want a new one- I want mine. Finally, I had DH tell them strongly to stop harassing me because I was ready to give in. People like that…. ARGH.

Omg! It's like, can you not take a hint...
That's so frustrating.

southernbubby

Wed, Jun 16 2021, 1:32 pm

Reality wrote:

No. People need to use their seichel.

I was asked to do a non emergency favor for someone while my loved one was in the ICU. I felt very torn because a part of me felt like if I do a chesed maybe my loved one will have an extra zchus. So I did it.

But the person asking me was wrong. She's always asking people for favors and is very pushy about not accepting no for an answer. For herself she has no problems saying no.

Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to confront her.

I detest those types and feel that either avoiding them or being totally unreliable about the commitment is the only way to deal with them. Sometimes you have to be brave enough to say that they took advantage of you and you have helped them all you can.

SuperWify

Wed, Jun 16 2021, 1:33 pm

Crookshanks wrote:

Omg! It's like, can you not take a hint...
That's so frustrating.

No they can’t get the message Sad

They think I’m being selfish because she needs to look perfect for her sister’s wedding and I’m just a sister in law so it’s not fair my wig is nicer then hers Shooting Arrow

Chayalle

Wed, Jun 16 2021, 1:34 pm

SuperWify wrote:

Wow, that is serious boundary pushing, expecting someone to lend you their new wig.
I consider my wig to be personal. It's not something I usually lend out.

southernbubby

Wed, Jun 16 2021, 1:35 pm

SuperWify wrote:

My DH also had to run interference when I was dealing with a nudnik. He has no problem telling people off.

Crookshanks

Wed, Jun 16 2021, 1:49 pm

SuperWify wrote:

No they can’t get the message Sad

They think I’m being selfish because she needs to look perfect for her sister’s wedding and I’m just a sister in law so it’s not fair my wig is nicer then hers Shooting Arrow

No way...

Your SILs have issues.

sushilover

Wed, Jun 16 2021, 6:52 pm

Reality wrote:

Seems like we agree. Like I said, as long as you aren't pushy, you shouldn't hesitate to ask for help.

Reality

Wed, Jun 16 2021, 6:56 pm

sushilover wrote:

Seems like we agree. Like I said, as long as you aren't pushy, you shouldn't hesitate to ask for help.

But sometimes just asking once is pushy. Don't ask a mundane favor of someone who is wondering if their loved one is going to make it!!!

Reality

Wed, Jun 16 2021, 7:34 pm

I was rereading my posts on this thread. I don't want to come across like a person who doesn't want to do favors for others. In fact, once my loved one was BH BH out of danger I offered to help someone and she didn't want to accept my help. And I told her I was thrilled to be a normal person again and to please let me help!

But it came from me. There is a time to be helpful and there is a time to be selfish. And I think when a spouse or child is deathly ill it is time to be selfish!!!

southernbubby

Wed, Jun 16 2021, 7:36 pm

Reality wrote:

But sometimes just asking once is pushy. Don't ask a mundane favor of someone who is wondering if their loved one is going to make it!!!

Someone would have to be majorly clueless to disturb someone in that situation.
My youngest spent 5 months in the NICU and that definitely happened. When my mother was in the ICU, I was asked to make kugels for some people, which I did. Before I could deliver the kugels, I became an onenet and was told that because I was in the beginning stages of aveilus, I couldn't give away the kugels which was fine because I had to hurry to the airport. A teacher had called to say that 2 of my kids were in detention and I would have to pick them up later and I screamed at him that I had just lost my mother, that he would have to inform my kids of that and that they could not have detention that day. He was shocked, really sorry, and totally cooperative.
I am just saying that people in that situation should let others do the favors and it's in everyone's best interest to let people know that there is a situation going on and that the person is unavailable.

Blessing1

Wed, Jun 16 2021, 7:36 pm

SuperWify wrote:

Omg!!! This takes the cake!! Who asks others to borrows their wig?? Let alone a brand new one? Oh my.

SuperWify

Wed, Jun 16 2021, 7:43 pm

Crookshanks wrote:

No way...

Your SILs have issues.

Clearly

G-d bless.

The compromise was that she took my wig to her wig maker to see if she can make her a new in time exactly like mine. I gave in because I wants to hear the end of it and also because she’s extremely pushy and no one had patience to listen to her whine anymore. (And no she’s not in her 20s…)

Reality

Wed, Jun 16 2021, 7:44 pm

southernbubby wrote:

OMG! Mine was also a kugel!! I was asked to be a delivery service for some kugels!!!! Since I was going that way anyway!!!!

southernbubby

Wed, Jun 16 2021, 8:31 pm

Reality wrote:

OMG! Mine was also a kugel!! I was asked to be a delivery service for some kugels!!!! Since I was going that way anyway!!!!

When I was facing surgery for breast cancer, I was asked to be in charge of organizing a bridal shower. I was stunned. I offered to send emails asking people to participate because I lost my voice by constantly talking to my kids. I couldn't understand why they couldn't find someone who didn't have cancer to organize the shower. I just needed to focus on the situation.
My DIL was asked to volunteer to help at an event on her due date. Shouldn't a woman be getting some rest at that point? She had no problem saying "no" even though the organizer promised her a speedy delivery if she participated. I was once asked to come to something on my due date and I came and timed the contractions. There seriously ought to be a law....

teachkids

Wed, Jun 16 2021, 8:54 pm

southernbubby wrote:

It reminds me of when a friend asked me to help with dinners for a friend who had just given birth. I was in my 9th month and on early maternity leave with prolonged early labor. I could barely cook for my family at that point and I told her as much. It was reasonable for her to ask, as long as she easily accepted my no (which she did).

Bubby6

Wed, Jun 16 2021, 9:22 pm

sequoia wrote:

Oh this is so unbearably painful for me.

Someone said I had “chutzpah” and wrote a FB post bullying me because I was asking them for help. I don’t think of myself as a chutzpadnik person. I’m disabled. I thought the other person understood that.

I feel so bad for you, (((hugs)))

jerusalem90

Thu, Jun 17 2021, 1:31 am

I would say that in general the responsibility is on the person to be able to say "no". If you're young, then it might be hard to say "no", but it's a skill that is basically necessary in life so you need to learn it.

This is said after I've been living in Israel for almost all of my adult life, and that is over 10 years. If you had asked me the same question when I was a 15 year old who had only lived in America, I might have had a different answer.