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Forum -> Fashion and Beauty
Jealous of my friends beauty
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 3:59 pm
I would feel too embarrassed to share this with anyone but since non of you know me I feel I can share. Im writing this so perhaps someone has some advice that could help me get out of this rut.
I have a close friend that has always been a beauty but was always obese. Even she had the most striking features she had terrible social anxiety due to her weight. I was always the slim one but with average looks. A year ago she underwent gastric bypass surgery and is now a walking model. Everything about her has changed especially her confidence. I was so happy for her and totally backed her with the surgery being the only one that knew.
Since then she has become obsessed with her looks, since when she was obese it wasnt something she could do. She buys new clothes very often and new wigs. What bothers me most is that shes so nice to me, yet I don't want to be near her. Dh who's a serious guy cant help but check her out when she comes in just cos its interesting to see someone who's had such a drastic change and see what the latest changes are. I feel that he secretly wishes I could look like that too although hes never mentioned a thing.
When I walk with her on street she has men looking at her from all sides. I'm an insecure person I know and I crave attention and love.
I find myself talking bad about her to dh just so that he shouldn't think much of her.
We just met up for coffee today in our lunch breaks. I made sure to wear my best outfit and spent a long time doing my makeup. I walked in with my colleges so she should feel awkward whilst she sat alone and waited for me to come. I had this urge to show her how busy my life is. When we went to pay the Jewish man at the cashier made a little joke to her and didn't look in my direction. I dont need other men talking to me but I just wish I could get more attention.

I don't know whats with me? its not my nature but I cant help feeling jealous how content she is with her life since she looks good and feels good. I've been trying to soul search and do inner work to see how I can come of this.

I find myself doing craziest things just to avoid or prove to her who I am.

can anyone relate or am I crazy?
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amother
Bellflower


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 4:02 pm
Hugs that’s really hard!
I wish I had advice but all I can do is empathize.

Perhaps if it’s in the budget splurge on a nice perfume, manicure, or something that feels luxurious and will help you feel better about yourself?
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 4:10 pm
Thanks I keep reminding myself to do more self care so I could feel better about myself but its not helping shes still in my face all the time Rolling Eyes
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 4:14 pm
I lost a few friends after my WLS. I was at a healthy weight for the first time in my life, able to do things I could have previously only dreamed about. You were always slim, so you have no idea how freeing it is to lose that much weight. It is life changing.

That said, I’m glad you realize this is 100000% about you and not about her. It makes me sad to think that this is what my friends were thinking when they dropped me. I still wanted to be friends with them, but apparently they only kept me around so they could be the “hot one” or the “skinny one”. Once they couldn’t feel superior any longer, I guess I no longer had any value.

I guess they weren’t really my friend all along. Sad

It’s been years since then but I still remember how hurt I felt.

Work on your own insecurity and if you can’t, your newly thin friend will run away before too long.
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amother
Wallflower


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 4:20 pm
It's human to feel jealous so feel your feelings and don't push them away. If she is not rubbing things in your face and acting like she is the best you need to let go of the jealousy. Do you know the pain an obese person goes through daily, for years on end, especially that you mentioned how she felt in social situations..Try to be happy for her that she is finally feeling good after all that suffering, just as you would be happy for a friend that waited many years for a baby and just gave birth, or a friend that was poor for so many years and finally making a good living.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 4:27 pm
WOW that was good for me to hear the other side of the story.
I know im wrong yet I hate feeling inferior so Id rather not be around.
My mother in law met her recently at a wedding and called me to stay how stunning she looked. Every compliment is like a dagger for me. This sounds mentally crazy. With my mother in law I know she values beauty on top of other things so thats why that comment hurt. She's currently looking for a girl for her son. She calls dh to discuss suggestions and would many times comment on how pretty or not a girl is. Deep down I think that hurts most. I have a deep sense of fear of loss of connection / relationship. Since dh family talks so much about beauty it makes me feel extremely insecure and vulnerable. Anytime dh mentions her name I literally flare up in rage.
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 4:29 pm
OP- please listen. This is your FRIEND. She needs your friendship. In fact, she needs your friendship now more than ever. Her entire life she was the insecure, fat friend. Do you know how that feels? I don't either but I can guess it's super duper challenging. It's her turn now. She finally is not embarrassed about her weight.. Be there for her! Celebrate her looks with her. Let her loop you in on showing off her new stuff. Please don't fagin her. It's not fair to her.

Also, it's not her fault that she is beautiful. Let me give you a slightly different perspective. My looks are average but I've always been thin. Even after multiple pregnancies I don't have to think twice about my weight. It's simply luck. Well let me tell you I've gotten some really not nice jealous comments from "friends". Ike outright mean.. It's not pleasant at all. I've had my overly fair share of pain in life but some people are so obsessed with weight they insanely assume im all good because I'm thin. Like really?

Please. Be her friend.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 4:30 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
WOW that was good for me to hear the other side of the story.
I know im wrong yet I hate feeling inferior so Id rather not be around.
My mother in law met her recently at a wedding and called me to stay how stunning she looked. Every compliment is like a dagger for me. This sounds mentally crazy. With my mother in law I know she values beauty on top of other things so thats why that comment hurt. She's currently looking for a girl for her son. She calls dh to discuss suggestions and would many times comment on how pretty or not a girl is. Deep down I think that hurts most. I have a deep sense of fear of loss of connection / relationship. Since dh family talks so much about beauty it makes me feel extremely insecure and vulnerable. Anytime dh mentions her name I literally flare up in rage.
I am actually quite thin and my mother in law is constantly talking about others weight - I.e. did you see how fat she got, etc. I don’t feel insecure because I’m thin but it drives me nuts. She actually has obese daughters in law and I can’t help but feel awful for them when she talks about weight in front of them Her daughter as well. People should not talk about weight period. The end.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 4:39 pm
Thanks I need to hear more of that.
I just realized after putting down the phone to her that over the phone I'm a calm and a great friend to her. Its seeing her physically that makes me so insecure. Shes also changed jobs recently and keeps climbing higher and higher. Makes me sad that shes so much more respected since her new look.
I've come to realize more whilst writing this thread how Im at an insecure place in my life right now. I dont feel enough love from dh and his family and am constantly doing things to impress them. I feel with her she just has it at her fingertips.
Shes quite an introvert and when we sit together at events I feel I do so much talking to get people to look at me whilst she gets unconditional love just by sitting their with her looks.
YES Im green with jealousy because thats what I want now in my life. Youve definatly opened my eyes to see how its not fair for her and ive got to work on my self confidence.
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amother
Grape


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 5:23 pm
What can we say. It's an upside down world. Sad that something so temporary has such an impact on everyone.
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amother
Winterberry


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 5:31 pm
Op, I get you.

The dynamics in this relationship have changed and you need to find your place all over again.

On another note, your Mil has no right to discuss another girl's beauty with your husband. Please let her know.

Also, talk to your husband about the fact that he checks her out and how uncomfortable it makes you. You say he's a serious person, maybe he just needs a reminder to get back on track.
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amother
Anemone


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 5:37 pm
I'm super pretty and struggled with my weight my whole life. When I'm thin I get lots of comments and attention. When I'm fat, I don't get any attention and I suffer from my weight constantly. I'm an adult now and don't care or need the attention but I would be crushed to have a friend feel this way about me.

Jealousy is probably the ugliest trait a person can have. I recommend working very hard on this and keeping your distance from your friend until you are mentally in a good place because she doesn't deserve this from you at all.
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amother
Lightgray


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 5:38 pm
I'm excited to find out who my real friends are post my upcoming surgery.
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amother
DarkPurple


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 6:13 pm
I always viewed beauty as a tool to get married or to make a kiddush Hashem. Now that I am married I don’t use this tool anymore with regard to other men. But maybe it’s just my personality.
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chanatron1000




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 6:15 pm
Being beautiful around a cashier is not the same as flirting. It may sound weird to be insulted by the lack of unwanted attention, but it is an indirect insult.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 6:28 pm
On the other side, I had an overweight friend who would subtly put down my looks as a way to make herself feel better about being obese (I'm fairly thin). I found out also she was discussing my looks with her other friends about how I needed a makeover. Took me some time to catch on, but once I did, I distanced myself and we are no longer close, just friendly friends. I don't need someone in my life who does this to me, though of course I realize it came from her own insecurity. Not my problem to make her feel good about herself by trampling over my feelings.

Op, if you are truly flying into a rage about this, as you stated, I strongly recommend either getting therapy for the insecurity/low self esteem or else take a step back from this friendship.
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amother
Hibiscus


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 6:35 pm
amother [ Anemone ] wrote:
I'm super pretty and struggled with my weight my whole life. When I'm thin I get lots of comments and attention. When I'm fat, I don't get any attention and I suffer from my weight constantly. I'm an adult now and don't care or need the attention but I would be crushed to have a friend feel this way about me.

Jeleousy is probably the ugliest trait a person can have. I recommend working very hard on this and keeping your distance from your friend until you are mentally in a good place because she doesn't deserve this from you at all.


I’m pretty sure the op knows jealousy isn’t a good trait. She did come on here as a mother bc she knew it’s not gonna look good if she posts under her screen name ….
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amother
Bellflower


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 7:06 pm
The important first step is to recognize and validate your feelings which it seems like you’re doing.
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amother
Starflower


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 7:12 pm
I'm speaking as someone who's been overweight for most of my life (with super thin, gorgeous sisters and friends) but BH have a good self esteem - just so you know where I'm coming from. I think that regardless of where these feelings are coming from, it's probably a good idea to be a little distant now on purpose to avoid permanently wrecking things. Life is a series of ups and down, sometimes we're on the up and sometimes the down. When we feel down, it can be really hard to be around people who we perceive as being on the up- even if we love them and are happy for them deep down! You may need some time to just not have her in your face all the time. Could you start slipping in when you guys talk that life is kind of hectic right now and you may be kind of out of it for a while? Not to totally drop out of sight but so that if you aren't feeling up to chatting a lot or meeting up, you have a built in excuse that won't hurt her feelings? I think that's fair for both of you because you will get a mental break and hopefully be able to work through some of this painful jealousy and it's better for her honestly because why should she be around someone who's feeling really nasty towards her when it's not her fault?
There's someone I feel really competitive with in our community for honestly a really stupid reason and after getting so irritated every time her name came up I said something straight out to DH about it. Like, told him that for whatever reason I get really competitive and insecure about her and could we just not talk about that family even though I know it sounds crazy and stupid? I had to promise I wasn't joking bc it's so not my type but made me feel better to just say out loud that this is how I feel and I want to avoid 'flare ups'.
Oh and your MIL sounds exhausting, sorry.
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amother
Hunter


 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 7:50 pm
I’m really sorry, this sounds super difficult. It’s like your whole self worth has been put into question because the way you see yourself in relation to her has shifted so much. I don’t relate to the specifics of your situation, but I recognize the visceral feeling of inferiority when there’s a perceived power or status shift.

It’s not helpful to think in terms of good and bad behavior - yes of course you’d prefer not to be jealous of her, but view it as a clue to what’s happening inwardly. It sounds like you were accustomed to feeling a sense of worth based on others’ opinions, and so long as this friend was superficially “inferior” you were able to hold onto a sense of superior worth. It hurts when these dynamics change and you realize your inner self is less stable than you thought.

You recognize this isn’t about your friend, and really about you and how you’ve measured yourself until now. Keep that awareness in your relationship with her and try to do the inner work so you can gain a newly genuine and solid sense of self.
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