Neighbor Banned Her Daughter From Playing in Our Home

amother

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:09 pm

I'm shaken and hurt and very raw right now so please respond accordingly.

A new family moved into my neighborhood this year and one of their daughters became friendly with my ten year old daughter. She's a very sweet girl and I'm happy for them to be friends. I don't know the mother well at all beyond a "hi, how are you?" when we are both passing each other by. She seems very normal and friendly.
A few weeks ago, the girl stopped coming to our house, saying that her mother doesn't let her. They continued to play in the neighborhood or in other neighbor's houses. I didn't ask too much about it because I didn't want to call attention to it if my daughter doesn't realize on her own what's going on.
Anyway, today my daughter told me that the friend told her that the reason why she is not allowed in our house is because I have a smartphone. The friend made her promise not to tell me the reason, but thank goodness my daughter knows not to keep secrets.
I am stunned.

I considered calling the mother and figuring out how to make this work, but I don't want to for two reasons: 1. I am so hurt and angry that she didn't reach out to me before banning her daughter from my house. She could have called me and asked me to not use the phone around her daughter, or not allow her daughter to see it, or whatever she personally feels is right for her chinuch. The fact that she had no problem about just banning my home is so hurtful. I'm not sure I can control myself if I spoke to her. I just may burst into tears. 2. She doesn't allow her daughter to come over on shabbos either, so it seems that it's not about the phone. We are somehow 'tainted' by the fact that I own one.
My husband wants to tell my kids that they are not allowed in that neighbor's house either. I can see the appeal but I'm not sure it would be helpful to the situation or my daughter's hurt feelings.

Have you ever dealt with such a situation? Is there anything I can do about it?

amother

Foxglove

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:12 pm

You can ditch the smartphone. Or you can make peace with the fact that your choice makes some people not want their kids to spend time in your home.

Presumably your decision to have a smartphone goes against your own rabbis as well. That's your right, but there are consequences for choices.

When I choose to have internet, I accept that some people might not want their kids to play with mine. It's part of the package.

amother

Hawthorn

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:13 pm

I'm sorry you're hurt. I know many people that don't allow their kids to play in houses where there is a smartphone. My neighbor used to show my kids videos and allow them to play games on her phone, I was not happy about that. When my kids have friends over, I never take out my phone in front of them, and these are kids that most of their parents have a smartphone.
We don't allow my kids to play in certain neighbors houses and I didn't discuss it with the neighbor before, but I also didn't tell my kids the exact reason I don't let.

amother

Chocolate

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:16 pm

amother [ Foxglove ] wrote:

Why are you so sure that she’s going against her rabbis?

101

amother

Feverfew

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:18 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It’s obviously not just abt u not using the phone when their daughter is in ur home, or she’d be allowed to come to u on Shabbos. So all the other homes where the girl is allowed to play do not have smart phones?

amother

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:21 pm

amother [ Hawthorn ] wrote:

You don't need to feel bad, everyone is entitled to their standards.

Everyone is entitled to their standards. They are not entitled to hurt a shy little girl's feelings without even bothering to work things out.
I never showed any of my children's friends anything on my phone and it is fingerprint protected. That also doesn't explain why my house is so unholy now that even on Shabbos their children aren't allowed to enter.

vintagebknyc

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:26 pm

SafeAtLast wrote:

Some people are idiotic.

I have a neighbor who doesn't rent out her basement apartment to people who carry with the Eruv, and people who have smartphones.
All in the name of chinuch.

What they are teaching their children is that it is okay to look down at another Jew.

I hope you're neighbor doesn't make this knowledge public: It's illegal behavior, and she could get sued.

amother

Hawthorn

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:26 pm

SafeAtLast wrote:

They're not idiots for having different standards than you do. Not renting out an apartment to certain people doesn't mean that they look down on them, it just means that their standards are different.

thunderstorm

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:30 pm

I always wondered about this. What is more important ? For example I had neighbors who were not allowed to come to our home to play because we eat things with an OU or OK and not necessarily heimish hechsher. It didn’t make a difference that I wasn’t giving these kids food.
Is it ok to eat your holy hechsherim only but hurt your neighbors? Is it ok to be machmir not to have a smartphone but stab your neighbor and destroy your child’s friendship by hurting her good friend and her good friends mother? Is this what yiddishkeit is all about?

Last edited by thunderstorm on Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:32 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Firethorn

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:33 pm

Everyone is entitled to their own standards, but it’s pathetic that your child can’t play at a house where the mother has a smartphone if she’s not exposing the neighbor to anything.

Why can’t people teach their kids that everyone has their own standards. This mom can say “we don’t use smartphones, but some others do.” Why does op’s home become unworthy of having this girl over when op has done nothing to negatively influence the girl.

It’s like saying you can’t go to someone’s house because they eat cholov stam, even though your child won’t have it. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

amother

Hawthorn

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:34 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Parents not allowing their kids to play at your house isn't something that should hurt you. I think as parents, we should all understand that we have different standards and rules and we don't all allow our kids to play at any house. Their standards may seem weird to you and your standards may seem weird to someone else. The kids can be friends and play outside. There's nothing wrong with parents not allowing their kids to play at certain houses and as parents we need to understand and respect that instead of becoming hurt and defensive.

amother

Seagreen

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:34 pm

I wouldn't be hurt, I would think it's silly. I do understand why she thinks the standards of your home are not good for her daughter if she's against smart phones. I have a smart phone so I'm not being holy.

I don't like my daughter playing in a certain house because I'm not comfortable with some stuff. But I would never tell her that, that's just messed up. Instead I say why don't we invite her here or I encourage other friendships over it. I didn't ban it or speak to her about it, and she has no idea. I think she could have gone about this differently and it would be bother me and I wouldn't want my daughter exposed to that type of chinuch. So I would be fine being banned and it would be mutual for me.

amother

Foxglove

Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:35 pm

amother [ Firethorn ] wrote:

It’s like saying you can’t go to someone’s house because they eat cholov stam, even though your child won’t have it. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

Other people have also said this. There's no guarantee that your child won't be exposed to or eat certain things at someone else's house. Even the best-intentioned hosts go to the bathroom sometimes, and kids are kids.

This mother didn't ban the relationship, she just doesn't want her child in OP's home. Like OP said the two girls have continued to play together.