Difficult 6 year old son

amother

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 6:10 pm

Please help me with my son. He gives me such a hard time and I don’t even know what to do with him anymore.

The important thing to know about him is that this poor behavior is just at home. His teachers always tell me how good he is in school. Other mothers tell me he behaves beautifully during play dates. So he obviously has some control over this behavior.

At home he bothers his siblings constantly. He never stops what he’s doing when I tell him to. And he can never, ever accept a no from me, or even a “not right now.” This will lead him to scream and tantrum. He gets very physical when he’s upset, always throwing things around and knocking them down.

Just a few minutes ago he was touching his sister’s belonging and not being careful with it. I told him to put it down and he didn’t listen. So I told him he’s losing a special treat, unless he earns it back with good behavior. This led him to scream and throw things at me, so I sent him to his room.

What do I do with this kid? These days between school and camp have been especially rough. He is a bright boy who can be so good when he wants to, but he cannot accept when things don’t go his way at home.

I would appreciate any advice you have.

amother

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 7:38 pm

amother [ Snow ] wrote:

Is this new for him or was he always like this? My son was very much like this, including the part about being an angel in school and only being difficult at home. He was diagnosed with pandas, and now 6 months into treatment he’s a different kid. I found out later on FB pandas boards how common it is for such kids to be great in school and only act out at home. Like at least once a day someone posts about exactly that.

He was always difficult for me (since about one and a half). I just thought he would outgrow his tantrums by 6 years old. He is my first boy, and his sisters were nothing like this.

amother

Currant

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 10:48 pm

"So I told him he’s losing a special treat, unless he earns it back with good behavior"

OP- I hear you are having a hard time and I don't want to make you feel worse but taking things away like treats is NOT your winning ticket. Try and focus on the moments of calm and compliment and reward them. When the tantrums come just hold him, acknowledge how he is feeling, and be with him. In general, try and give him the love and attention he is clearly craving. And again, seek out and notice and compliment those good moments However small.
Do not take away treats or screen time or toya or anything. This makes a child feel powerless and you don't end up gaining. It just triggers more negativity. Give him some genuine love and attention. Try and get him to help you with something and then compliment it profusely. Etc
Read any Janet L andsman book

amother

PlumPink

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 11:05 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks, I’ll look into it.

Can you tell me briefly how it changed your interactions?

The basic premise is that "difficult" children are desperate for energy and connection from their caregivers. They quickly learn that they get much more connection/energy through negative behavior than positive. The idea of the Nurtured Heart Approach is to eliminate giving energy to negative and start outputting a ton of energy for positive behavior. This results in the negative behaviors melting away and the positive building up. Once you have done that, setting limits and enforcing consequences becomes much more simple. To implement this approach properly, it's critical to learn the method in detail. You can read the books or take a course (centerforgreatness.com is the course I took which is run by frum people, though there are other secular options). I took the course and honestly you will learn basically the same thing from reading the book for a fraction of the price, however the course has a very big advantage of the support from the instructors and the group which can be the make it or break it when trying to sustain something like ths.

In terms of my personal experience, my 6 yr old son was extremely difficult. He had very little impulse control and would have dangerous meltdowns over every disappointment. He didn't take no for an answer. I had to keep his nails cut very short because he would get violent when he was upset. I had scars all over my hands from his scratches, and my other kids (even my 13 yr old!) would often lock themselves in a room when he was in a rage for fear of him hurting them. I took the NHA course and just a few weeks into implementing, I noticed that his nails were very long - I hadn't been reminded to cut them because he hadn't had a violent tantrum in those weeks! It's been about 6 months and he has transformed into the sweetest, gentlest child who is genuinely a pleasure to be around. Of course he's not perfect - he still gets upset, and we have to remind ourselves constantly to stay on track with the Nurtured Heart Approach to keep him balanced, but those aggressive, tantruming days are long gone bH!

Another thing that was very helpful concurrently was OT. Often children like that need the extra sensory support to stay emotionally regulated, but I would say the main thing for us was the Nurtured Heart Approach.

amother

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 11:20 pm

He definitely has his good moments, as he is a good-hearted boy who wants to please. I always try to give him lots of attention for good things. But I have trouble understanding how to not give attention to his meltdowns. Sometimes he hurts his siblings. Sometimes he starts banging around my furniture. Or sometimes he just sits on the floor and screams because he wanted to go to the store but I said no, it’s not a good time. So I should just hold him and hug him while he screams? Or ignore the damage he’s doing to my home? How will my other children react to that?

amother

PlumPink

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 11:22 pm

amother [ PlumPink ] wrote:

I also want to add that for my child, the minute he senses ANY negativity or an authority trying to impose their will on him, it causes him to turn into a stubborn wall of iron and whatever I'm trying to accomplish completely backfires. So traditional methods of disciplining or giving consequences never worked for him and only caused him to escalate. Nurtured Heart Approach is the only thing that worked for him.

Also, I'm not sure why people are saying PANDAS. I have a different child who has had PANDAS episodes, but the type of behavior you're describing which is very similar to what my 6 yr old had is not remotely PANDAS - it's just the way some kids work, and you need to learn loving and supportive ways to help him redirect his energy and succeed.

amother

PlumPink

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 11:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Sorry I'm flooding your thread with my NHA (Nurtured Heart Approach) plugs, but it was a miracle for my child who was so similar to yours so I'm a huge proponent. You may think you give him lots of attention for good things, but after you learn the NHA in detail you will learn how to give positivity in a whole new way and language. You need to learn the "rules" of the method, not just know the general theory for it to be effective. After you learn it in detail, it will be clear to you how to deal with his meltdowns (and no you should not hug him while he screams, that would be giving energy to a negative behavior).

amother

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 11:33 pm

amother [ PlumPink ] wrote:

DS is also quite stubborn. Always has been.

What was your son like in school? Because my son’s teacher would be shocked if I would tell her what he’s like at home. She literally told me that he is one of the best boys in the class, with wonderful middos and behavior.

And sometimes he really does behave so well for me. But he often has these meltdowns, and I can’t blame it on impulse control, because he only does this at home.

amother

PlumPink

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 11:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My son definitely isn't the angel of the class, but he for sure held it together in school. He never had meltdowns there. I actually found that the hardest time of the day with him (most intense meltdowns) was right when he came home from school, and I think it's because he was holding it together all day and when he came home and was secure with me, he let it all out.

It also makes sense that he is doing it more around you because he needs connection from you more - you are the most important person in his life. Especially since he is competing for that attention (without consciously even knowing it) with his siblings.

amother

Snow

Wed, Jun 23 2021, 11:02 am

amother [ PlumPink ] wrote:

My 2 kids with pandas present entirely differently. One has mostly anxiety, ocd, fears, phobias, the other gets aggressive, meltdowns, impulsive, rages, oppositional and defiant.