DD said she doesn't like girls in bunk who are "less frum"

amother

Wed, Jun 23 2021, 10:52 pm

My 6-year-old (oldest) came home from camp today, telling me that two girls in her bunk are not so frum because they change out of their skirts when they get home, they watch TV, and their fathers both smoke.

This is a community day camp, and I specifically appreciate that aspect of it. I want my children to grow up among all different types of Jews.

We are yeshivish for reference.

How do I respond to that?

jerusalem90

Wed, Jun 23 2021, 11:28 pm

You gotta validate her feelings , that's the most important if you want her to continue to share her feelings with you. Don't tell her she's closeminded, etc, even if you think she is.

First, try to find out if it's really frumness bothering her. It might be they have bad manners, are not nice, etc, and the frumness is easier for her to articulate.

If it is the frumness bothering her, I'd first reassure her that she is not doing an aveira by hanging out with them. Tell her in your community it is accepted to be friends with people less frum. You and Tatty approve. Her teachers at school approve. The rabbi of your shul approves. No one is going to think less of her if she has less frum friends.

Tell her it's fine if she still feels she'd rather have more frum friends, but for the sake of ahavat Israel she should not shun them. Also tell her when she gets older she may work in a workplace with less frum or even nonJews, so this is getting her necessary life training.

Good luck!

HonesttoGod

Wed, Jun 23 2021, 11:37 pm

What she said ^^

Also, you can tell her there are many many ultra frum men who smoke.
And many frum people who watch tv, not to mention frum people that don’t hold a 6 year old needs to be wearing a skirt.
There are different levels of frum ness and just because you have your guidelines according to your rav they may have different ones according to theirs but that doesn’t mean they’re not frum.

amother

Snapdragon

Wed, Jun 23 2021, 11:42 pm

I would be more interested in knowing how this came up. Was it done in a we are better than you we do xyz at home, or did someone say you are less frum you do xyz out of school. Why was it even discussed? It doesn't seem like a topic that should/ would be coming up in camp among 6 year olds. The background will probably give you better insight on how to approach it.

amother

Wed, Jun 23 2021, 11:49 pm

Thanks for the replies. I found some helpful tips in these posts.
I think there are two chatty friends who said something along the lines of "we are cooler than you we do xyz at home"
But not 100% sure.
She is in a bunk of 6 and 7 y/o girls. I imagine they are very chatty and this is not about what they "should" be talking about... The fact is they talk about all different things and this is one topic that my DD shared with me.

amother

Wed, Jun 23 2021, 11:53 pm

I said something along the lines of how we love all different kids of yidden, and different families have different ways of how they do things. We are happy to get along with all different kinds of people. I know X's Mommy and she's such a nice, good, frum person. Something like that, but I feel like I could've had a better, more thought - out response.

tigerwife

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 12:03 am

While you can’t force her to like anyway,
1. Teach her that it isn’t frum to actively dislike another Jew. Sinas chinam is a serious aveira and the Three Weeks are a good time to discuss this.
2. It is not just important to treat everyone with respect, but a mitzva every Jew is obligated in (Veahavta Lereacha Kamocha).

It’s possible that these girls were perhaps showing off or behaved in some other way that brought on negative vibes. But it should be interesting to get into a conversation with your daughter about why she would dislike someone who is less frum. Where did these ideas come from?

amother

Pewter

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 12:16 am

I try to constantly tell my kids that the Torah commands us to love every Jew and that I love all Jews. One day I was driving and my 5 year old dd pointed out a yeshivah guy and she was like is he a Jew, Ima? So you love that guy, right? It was so cute...

DrMom

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 12:19 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You can point out that standards of tzniut vary from community to community, and that there are girls from other communities that would consider your family's tzniut standards to be too lax. How would she feel if she were on the receiving end of that situation?

Also, these girls may have many excellent middot. They may even surpass her own in some areas. Why write them off?

imaima

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 1:19 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Well you got what you wanted, she is growing up among different types. But it is up to her to form her own opinion about them.

Did she specifically aak for your input or was she just venting?

amother

Snapdragon

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 1:27 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So she might have felt bad/ embarrassed that she's not so cool which is why she decided she doesn't like them. While addressing how all jews are different and none are better etc.. I would also say she shouldn't be making comments to them like that ( not that she did, just that it's not a nice thing to do ) and it wasn't nice that they said that. Validate that she felt about the interaction. I think it's very important to deal with her feelings here over forcing her to like everyone and accept differences.

I also sent my kids to a mixed environment and I had an issue where everyone was watching certain movies we didn't watch. They would make my daughter feel bad and say we are cooler we know the songs and you are missing out. So she would come home and say they are less frum because they like movies I didn't feel were appropriate for our home. But it was really more about how bad she was feeling when they discussed it and less about her actually judging their frumness.

salt

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 2:14 am

SafeAtLast wrote:

Where is she getting the idea that someone less frum can be disliked?
Is she picking it up in school? From neighbors? At home?

Kids like other kids who are most similar to them. I imagine she feels different from these kids and therefore says she doesn't like them.

If a child strongly disliked sport, he/she was probably say "I don't like the kids who play soccer all day".