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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers
My son stole a candy from the store
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 12:34 pm
It's what kids do.
I wouldn't make a matzav.
My son did it a few weeks ago, and I took him back so he could pay for it.
If you make him return it, he will just hide it from you next time.

Do you tell your child no often?


Last edited by amother on Tue, Dec 21 2021, 12:05 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 12:35 pm
Zehava wrote:
Omg the kid is a toddler! He doesn’t understand! Can y’all quit “making him uncomfortable” and assume this means he’ll be robbing banks in the future?


Exactly. He's 4. I would possibly just talk to him when he's calm and let it go.
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amother
Lightblue


 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 12:43 pm
amother [ Lightblue ] wrote:
I wouldn't come down so hard. " You really wanted that candy because it's yummy and fun to get treats. Wanting the candy makes sense. Mommy said no but you took it anyway. But now we have problem
Because the candy is still not yours. It can't be yours because we didn't pay for it. Taking something from the store without paying is stealing and we are not allowed to do that. I know you didn't mean to steal. We have to go back and either return it or pay to keep it. Next time we need to make sure we don't take things without paying."


I just want to add that I wouldn't make him go back to the store. I'd do it. A few times I've accidentally forgotten things in my stroller and I've called and asked the grocery to charge it to my account (cc on file) I might even just make that phone call with my child. "Hi this is Mrs x account number x. I didn't realize my child was holding something and didn't have it scanned. Could you please charge my account for it. You can add it to my next purchase."
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 1:10 pm
SafeAtLast wrote:
It's what kids do.
I wouldn't make a matzav.
My son did it a few weeks ago, and I took him back so he could pay for it.
If you make him return it, he will just hide it from you next time.

Do you tell your child no often?


No. He’s quite spoiled actually. A few minutes before he had an ice cream cone.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 1:17 pm
My husband remembers doing the exact same thing at that age. He said he only remembers to look of disappointment on his mother’s face. He was made to give it back. But his moms look said it all and he never did it again
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amother
Azure


 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 2:04 pm
I don't know about your 4 yr olds but mine is very intelligent and has enough seichel to know that taking things from a store without paying (especially after I said no!) is completely not ok.

I would for sure go back with DC to the store to return the candy to the manager- not as a punishment but as a matter of fact consequence. I would do the explaining and DC would have to hand the candy back and say "I am sorry."
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EstyEF




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 2:04 pm
Good news. A lot of kids at four don't quite understand the concept of stealing/ someone elses property. When your son calms down, try to explain to him that taking something that doesn't belong to him is wrong. You can empathize with him by saying something like "I know candy is yummy and this is disappointing, but let's make HaShem proud by doing the right thing. I know you can return it even though its hard since you're such a big boy" (4s love to be told how big they are!) It might even be nice to help him write an apology note to the store clerk. I understand being embarrassed but I hope it's reassuring to tell you that I'm a morah for preschool kids and confirm that this kind of thing is totally normal for that age, and usually parents having their kids somehow make restitution nips it in the bud!
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 2:33 pm
amother [ Azure ] wrote:
I don't know about your 4 yr olds but mine is very intelligent and has enough seichel to know that taking things from a store without paying (especially after I said no!) is completely not ok.

I would for sure go back with DC to the store to return the candy to the manager- not as a punishment but as a matter of fact consequence. I would do the explaining and DC would have to hand the candy back and say "I am sorry."


OK so your kid is a genius.

My MIL A"H taught pre-1-A for over 30 years. She told me that kids that age don't fully understand the concept of ownership (except for unusual kids like yours of course), and that it's perfect normal for them to take something they want that doesn't belong to them.

Of course we try to be mechanech them and teach them that it's wrong, and try to show them how to rectify it. But let's just understand that it's perfectly normal behavior for a 4 year old in a candy store.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 2:54 pm
I don’t think kids this age understand money and how the transfer of ownership happens when we check out of the store. The kids get that the parent worked hard and got money and now uses the money for food? And then this kid decided to take it anyway without handing over some hard-earned money? Not really.
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amother
Almond


 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 4:34 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
When he stops throwing a tantrum, take him back to the store, and give the candy to the manager (not a checkout clerk.)

Store managers love it when parents do this. Children stealing nosh is a huge loss, and it adds up fast. It's never just one Laffy Taffy, when every kid in the neighborhood does this.

Don't make it a punishment, be very matter of fact. This happened, so we are going to fix it now.

When you get back home, go over the Ten Commandments, and tell him that stealing is as bad as breaking Shabbos or hurting someone.


Please make sure that Manager handles it properly and doesn't allow your son to keep it.

I was once in a parenting class and someone had a child that stole when they went to the grocery. She took her son to the Manager once, and her son was told he can keep it because he is cute. Can't Believe It
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 4:39 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Right. I’m just embarrassed honestly….


There's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's age appropriate behavior and stores are used to having people bring back stuff their kids took.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 4:48 pm
I remember being extremely embarrassed when I had to return half chewed up gum that I stole from the grocery . My mother had a no gum rule, so I didn’t even bother asking her to buy it.
I knew it was wrong. I had it hidden in my pocket but of course she found it.
My mother made me return it and pay for it. I still remember the store owner giving me a scolding while I shakingly tried to count out 40 pennies that I spilled out onto the counter from my piggy bank. And I was horrified when he took my half stick of gum that was still left and threw it in the garbage. I was around 4 at the time . Never did that again.
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tp3




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 4:59 pm
amother [ Almond ] wrote:
Please make sure that Manager handles it properly and doesn't allow your son to keep it.

I was once in a parenting class and someone had a child that stole when they went to the grocery. She took her son to the Manager once, and her son was told he can keep it because he is cute. Can't Believe It

I would totally let a kid keep candy because he's cute.
What a great guy. That's proper management!
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sneakermom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:00 pm
Why do adults feel it’s important to make a matzav out of normal things? It’s more inappropriate than stealing candy!

When my daughter did that at this age, I just went back to the store and paid for it. She has never ever stole since. No lesson necessary!

The biggest lesson to children is that the world is safe and predictable. When you startle the heck out of them with your over reactions. It causes more damage than good!
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amother
IndianRed


 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:01 pm
Make him return it and apologize to the store owner/manager
He will learn a valuable lesson and not do it again
No need to freak out or be punitive just the law of natural consequences
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tp3




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:01 pm
The stores put the candy right at a child's eye level. Just saying.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:08 pm
sneakermom wrote:
Why do adults feel it’s important to make a matzav out of normal things? It’s more inappropriate than stealing candy!

When my daughter did that at this age, I just went back to the store and paid for it. She has never ever stole since. No lesson necessary!

The biggest lesson to children is that the world is safe and predictable. When you startle the heck out of them with your over reactions. It causes more damage than good!

I did this with my own kids because I had negative feelings to the drama and shame I had to deal with when I was a kid when I stole .
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tp3




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:08 pm
Also, it's not called stealing at 4 yrs old. This is an innocent action while stealing is not.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:45 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
How would you react?

This is what I would do, but that's just me:

I would not take it away. That move of taking something away from a child interferes with a sense of agency from the child and true and lasting change of unwanted behavior stems from a place of agency.

I would first get some kind friend to vent to, so that I don't pour any anger or resentment onto my kid.

When I feel totally chill about the situation, I would have a chat with him.

Of course by the time I'm chill he may have eaten it already. Regardless, the lesson will be way more powerful when done from a neutral place than from a charged place

I would not lecture him.

For example:
Son: I have this candy, I took it from the store
Me: oh, you really wanted some candy. I understand.candy tastes yummy in the mouth. Let's go to the store and pay for it because anytime mommy takes something from the store, I pay for it. That's the funny thing about stores: I go inside, I take something, and on my way out I give the cashier money. Wanna come with mommy and I'll show you how I do it?

No angry words are ever exchanged. It's all matter of fact and with openness to the innocence of children.

But like I said, that's just me. I don't think many parents would approach it this way. I'm a weird kind of mother.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:51 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
No. He’s quite spoiled actually. A few minutes before he had an ice cream cone.

That explains it. Sugar is so addictive 😇
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