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Forum
-> Household Management
-> Finances
lamplighter
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 Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:00 pm
| flowerpower wrote: | | We chip in a lot for simchas. Everyone gives the SAME amount. Salary doesn’t matter. You should open your mouth and put your foot down. |
Same. And we keep the numbers very low so it's manageable for everyone.
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amother
Pear
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:07 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | This thread about health insurance from a boss for middle class got me so boiled up!
My husband and I both work. We bring home a combined salary of 175-200k which I'm very grateful for. It covers our life and we can save up some bh. But we work very hard! Get home exhausted, pick up babies, make supper with all the kids around. Barely have time for myself... my husband works hard, long hours, tons of responsibilities stress...
But were considered rich! Cuz we both work. So we must have loads of money just piled up somewhere.
Anytime there a family simcha, gift giving to parents, a shabbas getaway, or any other combined expense, some of my siblings expect us to shoulder the burden cuz we have money. I can't even tell you the entitlement... one sil has 2 kids, doesnt work, is out daily with friends eating out and just chilling. And then when it's time to make sheva b for a sibling, it's on us!! Why in heaven's name do I need to sponsor your share? Because you choose to not work?! I'm not judging sahms just saying stop thinking we have all this money and no we don't work for you!!
Rant over |
so so true. once you hit a certain earning bracket, you are officially earning alot but then so many bills go up as well- you don't qualify for as many tax breaks, government medical insurance, reduced tuition etc. etc.
I think the best way is to just make boundaries for yourself and your money!! you don't need to excuse yourself!! tell your sibs- hey, I would love to be part of sheva brachos, we can either split equally, or I'm happy to give up to 200 towards this...let me know what you want to do..
you don't need to excuse your choices or pay for hers!
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amother
Blush
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:11 pm
| Chayalle wrote: | My husband is learning. I pay tons of taxes and don't qualify for any programs. And I'm not spitting on anyone.
It doesn't take long for Kollel bashing to make it's way into any thread, does it. |
Your comment is really not called for.
Op has a right to express her frustrations at a very very common occurrence (and her personal experience)
You’re situation might be different then others so you can say that nicely that you never take handouts. Honestly your situation is different. From your posts, I see you don’t have a huge family and you actually work.
She’s not describing your situation, so your life circumstances is completely not relevant here.
She specifically mentioned a sil who doesn’t work. That’s very common here on imamother as well, women who don’t work and then cry poverty.
When my husband was in Kollel I worked a few jobs. I see so many of my friends barely working, maybe teaching half a day and expecting everyone to pitch in.
Some friends husbands are working, but not bringing in enough, and they also choose not to work.
I would have loved to cut my hours down, but we needed the parnassah. You can’t have it both ways.
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amother
Banana
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:21 pm
| amother [ Blush ] wrote: | Your comment is really not called for.
Op has a right to express her frustrations at a very very common occurrence (and her personal experience)
You’re situation might be different then others so you can say that nicely that you never take handouts. Honestly your situation is different. From your posts, I see you don’t have a huge family and you actually work.
She’s not describing your situation, so your life circumstances is completely not relevant here.
She specifically mentioned a sil who doesn’t work. That’s very common here on imamother as well, women who don’t work and then cry poverty.
When my husband was in Kollel I worked a few jobs. I see so many of my friends barely working, maybe teaching half a day and expecting everyone to pitch in.
Some friends husbands are working, but not bringing in enough, and they also choose not to work.
I would have loved to cut my hours down, but we needed the parnassah. You can’t have it both ways. |
This wasn't such a nice response to chayalle imo.
Listen, once you go down that road you may as well start bashing teachers for getting tuition breaks and other financial perks that end up being on the backs of those paying full tuition. I know people who vent about that situation constantly and all I think about is what their kids are taking in by hearing the resentment and anger about frum finances and attitudes towards the teachers.
You only hurt yourself by allowing yourself to stew in bitterness and resentment.
Life is a lot easier when you don't.
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amother
Amaryllis
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:41 pm
I really don’t know how certain people were eligible for stimulus checks and afford the life that I see them living...
Right now I’m in a lower income bracket because I don’t work (home with babies) but once I start working I wouldn’t be eligible. Bh we get health insurance from my husbands work
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amother
Floralwhite
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:43 pm
I hear you op but I think your wrong. We make a similar amount but I def don't feel poor. Do you own a house? Do you own two nice cars? Do you pay full tuition? Do your kids go to camp? Do your kids get mostly new clothes? Do you go out to eat? Buy meat and chicken a few times a week? Take a vacation with your husband every year? Fix things in your home that are broken. Buy things you need and also things you want? Save for simcha and retirment?
This is not poor. It's not wealthy as you want to be but its not poor it's doing great!
Iyh your salaries will continue to grow and you'll be able to have more flexibility with your jobs as you climb the ladder.
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amother
Heather
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:57 pm
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Where do taxes come in? You don’t want to pay their shate of 7 brachos. Don’t. Your husband thinks you should. You’ll have to argue that out with him. But why so dramatic
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amother
Heather
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:59 pm
| amother [ Blush ] wrote: | Your comment is really not called for.
Op has a right to express her frustrations at a very very common occurrence (and her personal experience)
You’re situation might be different then others so you can say that nicely that you never take handouts. Honestly your situation is different. From your posts, I see you don’t have a huge family and you actually work.
She’s not describing your situation, so your life circumstances is completely not relevant here.
She specifically mentioned a sil who doesn’t work. That’s very common here on imamother as well, women who don’t work and then cry poverty.
When my husband was in Kollel I worked a few jobs. I see so many of my friends barely working, maybe teaching half a day and expecting everyone to pitch in.
Some friends husbands are working, but not bringing in enough, and they also choose not to work.
I would have loved to cut my hours down, but we needed the parnassah. You can’t have it both ways. |
As far as I can tell ops relative isn’t even in kollel so why that has to be part of the discussion I don’t know. She said her sil is a stay at home mom with two kids who eats out all day.
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saw50st8
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 6:19 pm
It's very easy for other people to spend your money.
Regardless of your financial situation, only you and your husband should decide how to spend your money. It's a really tough situation and you should just come up with a line that can't be disputed like "We can't spend that much at this time. We'd be happy to spend $x on our portion." Don't negotiate with them because it isn't their business why.
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amother
Olive
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 6:51 pm
I see so many women on here that say "we have no money, but I'm a stay at home mom and it's too hard for me to work. I have kids to take care of!" And if you dare say that she has to go and get a full-time job because that's life, everyone on this site will murder you.
Women have been raised in our society to be scared to work. Scared of college because it's not frum enough. Told from the time they were a teenager to get an easy job so that they can have lots of babies. Then told they can't take birth control. Then also their husband should learn for at least the first year or two, and also he can't have any college or work experience.
We literally teach our children how to remain in poverty. And then the people that don't follow this path are both thought of as super modern, not allowed in their schools. Also, people who "have standards" won't let their kids play with our kids. (aka, the "neighbor who hates smartphones thinks my daughter is a bad influence" thread). But our money is still good.
There's a Go Fund Me every second, there's a Chesed Fund started every minute. I thank Hashem I'm giving and not receiving, but at some point we all can't support this anymore.
Women: Get a decent degree, and expect that one day you might use it.
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amother
Snowflake
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 6:55 pm
| amother [ Olive ] wrote: | I see so many women on here that say "we have no money, but I'm a stay at home mom and it's too hard for me to work. I have kids to take care of!" And if you dare say that she has to go and get a full-time job because that's life, everyone on this site will murder you.
Women have been raised in our society to be scared to work. Scared of college because it's not frum enough. Told from the time they were a teenager to get an easy job so that they can have lots of babies. Then told they can't take birth control. Then also their husband should learn for at least the first year or two, and also he can't have any college or work experience.
We literally teach our children how to remain in poverty. And then the people that don't follow this path are both thought of as super modern, not allowed in their schools. Also, people who "have standards" won't let their kids play with our kids. (aka, the "neighbor who hates smartphones thinks my daughter is a bad influence" thread). But our money is still good.
There's a Go Fund Me every second, there's a Chesed Fund started every minute. I thank Hashem I'm giving and not receiving, but at some point we all can't support this anymore.
Women: Get a decent degree, and expect that one day you might use it. |
You must be a self-hating Jew, or a Jew basher. How else could you speak the truth?
/*sarcasm alert
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amother
Mistyrose
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 7:01 pm
| amother [ Olive ] wrote: | I see so many women on here that say "we have no money, but I'm a stay at home mom and it's too hard for me to work. I have kids to take care of!" And if you dare say that she has to go and get a full-time job because that's life, everyone on this site will murder you.
Women have been raised in our society to be scared to work. Scared of college because it's not frum enough. Told from the time they were a teenager to get an easy job so that they can have lots of babies. Then told they can't take birth control. Then also their husband should learn for at least the first year or two, and also he can't have any college or work experience.
We literally teach our children how to remain in poverty. And then the people that don't follow this path are both thought of as super modern, not allowed in their schools. Also, people who "have standards" won't let their kids play with our kids. (aka, the "neighbor who hates smartphones thinks my daughter is a bad influence" thread). But our money is still good.
There's a Go Fund Me every second, there's a Chesed Fund started every minute. I thank Hashem I'm giving and not receiving, but at some point we all can't support this anymore.
Women: Get a decent degree, and expect that one day you might use it. |
I have a degree. I have a bunch of small children and it makes more financial sense to stay home and struggle than to go out and work right now.
And I had former employers calling me every few months asking if I could come back. It just didn't make sense.
People need to stop thinking that a degree solves all problems. In fact I kind of wish I didn't spend so much money on college and have loans to deal with.
Parnasa is a mixed bag if hishtadlus and Mazal and siyata dismaya. It has nothing to do with hashkafa and a lot to do with a person's grit and a persons luck combined.
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amother
Snowflake
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 7:10 pm
| amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote: | I have a degree. I have a bunch of small children and it makes more financial sense to stay home and struggle than to go out and work right now.
And I had former employers calling me every few months asking if I could come back. It just didn't make sense.
People need to stop thinking that a degree solves all problems. In fact I kind of wish I didn't spend so much money on college and have loans to deal with.
Parnasa is a mixed bag if hishtadlus and Mazal and siyata dismaya. It has nothing to do with hashkafa and a lot to do with a person's grit and a persons luck combined. |
She didn't say it solves all problems. It's a tool that you can fall back as to not get stuck in poverty. A degree is definitely a worthwhile tool in your belt. For example, when your small children grow up a bit more, you have with what to rejoin the workforce. SAHMs, with no degrees, have a difficult time reentering the workforce for decent pay.
We tell our girls to stay away from college, have lots of children, and discourage BC. We discourage our boys to gain skills, and tell them to learn a year or two or more. We are basically setting them up for a lifetime of poverty. It is the few lucky ones who break out of the mold easily. If either the dw or dh have a degree, it is something they can fall back on to try to break the mold.
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amother
OP
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 7:11 pm
| amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote: |
It has nothing to do with hashkafa and a lot to do with a person's grit and a persons luck combined. |
I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.
Thomas Jefferson
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amother
Apple
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 7:15 pm
OP "other" ppl do not spend "your" money!!
Believe me Hashem has a very accurate cheshbon of who gets what and I don't think it's possible for "others" to get "your" money!!!
Give tzeddakka to whoever you feel like giving to, ask a Rav if you need help deciding who should get it and don't look at other ppl's earning or spending!!!
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amother
Lemon
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 7:19 pm
I've been working hard all my years as did my DH.
We don't own a house, as a matter of fact we live in an old tiny dungeon. We can't afford to eat out or spend on anything extra than the basic household necessities.
Unfortunately I became physically weak and can't work. My DH is a hard worker, but can't make ends meet with his meager income (below 100k).
With your income and lifestyle, you seem to be pretty well off accordingly.
Even when both of us worked hard from morning to night, we were far from your financial situation.
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DVOM
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 7:37 pm
| amother [ NeonOrange ] wrote: | | A # of years ago the Met for Jewish poverty said that those who earn between $70,000-$130,000 are in the worst income bracket, because they are hammered from all sides. |
We're at the top end of this income bracket, slowly pulling out of it and up.
It's not a super wealthy lifestyle, but I don't think you could possibly call it poor. We've been poor. There's no comparison.
We have modest, carefully budgeted cars, vacations, home improvement projects, toys and extracurriculars for our kids. We can make modest, carefully budgeted simchos without borrowing or going into debt. We pay our tuition. We pay our bills. We can afford groceries and gas and dinner at a pizza store. If we wanted it (we don't) we could even budget for a Doona!
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amother
NeonPink
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 7:39 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | This thread about health insurance from a boss for middle class got me so boiled up!
My husband and I both work. We bring home a combined salary of 175-200k which I'm very grateful for. It covers our life and we can save up some bh. But we work very hard! Get home exhausted, pick up babies, make supper with all the kids around. Barely have time for myself... my husband works hard, long hours, tons of responsibilities stress...
But were considered rich! Cuz we both work. So we must have loads of money just piled up somewhere.
Anytime there a family simcha, gift giving to parents, a shabbas getaway, or any other combined expense, some of my siblings expect us to shoulder the burden cuz we have money. I can't even tell you the entitlement... one sil has 2 kids, doesnt work, is out daily with friends eating out and just chilling. And then when it's time to make sheva b for a sibling, it's on us!! Why in heaven's name do I need to sponsor your share? Because you choose to not work?! I'm not judging sahms just saying stop thinking we have all this money and no we don't work for you!!
Rant over | You have no obligation to pay more than your siblings/in laws for something that isn't mandatory. Let everyone split equally or don't make sheva brachos.
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amother
Charcoal
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 8:09 pm
just a little perspective from the other end....
my husband IS learning, and he has a "rich sister"... I once went out to eat with her and ordered something small cuz I was watching my budget. her pity was written all over the face, when I picked something up and asked how much is this. I put it down, knowing it was out of my planned budget, and she picked it up and pityingly paid for it. I did not appreciate it. im not looking to shnorr off her money. I was trying to stay in budget.... and she still has plenty to say on me...
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amother
Charcoal
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Fri, Jun 25 2021, 8:11 pm
| amother [ Blush ] wrote: | Your comment is really not called for.
Op has a right to express her frustrations at a very very common occurrence (and her personal experience)
You’re situation might be different then others so you can say that nicely that you never take handouts. Honestly your situation is different. From your posts, I see you don’t have a huge family and you actually work.
She’s not describing your situation, so your life circumstances is completely not relevant here.
She specifically mentioned a sil who doesn’t work. That’s very common here on imamother as well, women who don’t work and then cry poverty.
When my husband was in Kollel I worked a few jobs. I see so many of my friends barely working, maybe teaching half a day and expecting everyone to pitch in.
Some friends husbands are working, but not bringing in enough, and they also choose not to work.
I would have loved to cut my hours down, but we needed the parnassah. You can’t have it both ways. |
wow. your comment makes you sound super bitter, or super jealous. none of my kollel friends shnorr. being open to another side is always a nice thing..
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