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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Shabbos, Rosh Chodesh, Fast Days, and other Days of Note
Should dh be open to son , breaking fast.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 8:34 am
My dh doesn't fast so well. He's also been doing a bit of DIY today, not the best day to do it, but this is what he wanted. He knew from the start of the Taanis that he'd most likely not make it to the end, 11pm here.

He wants to break it shortly, he's done really well actually, it's 4.30ish now. My 13 year old son is trying to last out till 11. Dh wants to hide it from our son. Should he just be open and honest with him?
It's likely ds will also want to break it soon if he knows that dh did. Wwyd?

I'm not fasting, I'm pregnant. My other kids aren't bar/bas mitzvah yet.
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 8:37 am
Why would he choose a fast day to do things around the house knowing he's not a good faster? If anything he should stay in bed the whole day if it means he'll get through the day.
Not smart
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amother
PlumPink


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 8:38 am
He should ask a rov and then if the rov says he should break his fast, he can tell son that this was his psak. If son wants to break fast, ask rov.
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amother
Stoneblue


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 8:39 am
amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:
Why would he choose a fast day to do things around the house knowing he's not a good faster? If anything he should stay in bed the whole day if it means he'll get through the day.
Not smart


True but not really helpful. He's an adult who made his own decision and he's not asking us for advice.

OP, I think you should not tell your son. (11pm though! I thought we had it rough with ~21:30!)
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 8:39 am
amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:
Why would he choose a fast day to do things around the house knowing he's not a good faster? If anything he should stay in bed the whole day if it means he'll get through the day.
Not smart


I agree but as I said he knew that even if he did nothing he'd end up sick etc so would anyway break it. Tisha b'av and yom kippur he just has to manage somehow, he prepares better for them etc. Plus they go out quite a bit earlier than 11pm. The shorter taanasim he usually does too.
This one is out the latest and they have to fast in 3 weeks time...
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amother
PlumPink


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 8:42 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I agree but as I said he knew that even if he did nothing he'd end up sick etc so would anyway break it. Tisha b'av and yom kippur he just has to manage somehow, he prepares better for them etc. Plus they go out quite a bit earlier than 11pm. The shorter taanasim he usually does too.
This one is out the latest and they have to fast in 3 weeks time...


Not a reason to break a fast
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amother
Springgreen


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 8:43 am
You're not fasting, you're pregnant. I'd say relax, take care of yourself and leave this to dh. It's up to him to break his fast or not. As far as him keeping it a secret - I'm not into keeping secrets and it could get awkward. What will he do when it's time to break the fast? he'll pretend he's just then breaking his fast too? But I'd leave that to him too. You can discuss with dh how he wants to handle it but for sure not worth an argument especially today. Leave something out for the guys to eat at 11 and get yourself to bed. Sometime in the next week or two have a talk with dh about how you all plan to handle Tisha B'av. That's a stricter fast and harder to break. You'll probably want to ask a shayla due to being pregnant so it'll be easy to bring up the subject.
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 8:48 am
amother [ Stoneblue ] wrote:
True but not really helpful. He's an adult who made his own decision and he's not asking us for advice.

OP, I think you should not tell your son. (11pm though! I thought we had it rough with ~21:30!)

The thing is that it's kinda relevant... since if he breaks now and tells the son about it, it's sort of reinforcing the message that fast days are not more important than taking care of things around the house, so if you accomplish DIY things and then need to break your fast cuz you did that instead of spending time in bed, it's totally fine
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amother
Springgreen


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 8:48 am
amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:
Why would he choose a fast day to do things around the house knowing he's not a good faster? If anything he should stay in bed the whole day if it means he'll get through the day.
Not smart


How is this comment helpful?
The guy in question who did what you think is not smart is not here on imamother. Or I hope not.
What's the point of telling his wife you think he's not smart?
Besides fasting today and on Tisha Bav our focus during this time is on keeping the peace between ourselves and that includes within our families.
Even if you're right (and I'm not saying you are) and op's husband just did something dumb, let's none of us talk about that.
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Amelia Bedelia




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 8:53 am
I don't see why he has to make an official announcement to ds.
Let your dh do whatever he needs to do regarding fasting, and of ds finds out, let him be honest about it.
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amother
Dahlia


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 9:02 am
Fasting until 11 must be very hard. Though it means that there was time to wake up and have breakfast before the fast began. My sympathy. But here's the thing - a healthy adult - male or female - should be able to make through a day without eating or drinking. Ask any doctor.

It may not be pleasant, but it's ok to feel discomfort over the destruction of Yerushalayim. Not everything in life has to be easy.

If dh were to violate any other mitzvah derabbanan, would he want his son to know? Our children see our priorities. Teens in particular are very sensitive to hypocrisy.

Hoping you all feel well through the day.
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amother
Currant


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 9:07 am
amother [ PlumPink ] wrote:
He should ask a rov and then if the rov says he should break his fast, he can tell son that this was his psak. If son wants to break fast, ask rov.


Best advice! And it's also teaching children the importance of asking and trusting daas torah when they have halachic questions!
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nechamashifra




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 9:10 am
I wouldn’t lie to your son. The truth is always the best option.
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 9:25 am
amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:
Fasting until 11 must be very hard. Though it means that there was time to wake up and have breakfast before the fast began.


This actually isn't true; the later the fast ends, the earlier it begins.

For example, the fast ends after 11:22 in Edinburgh, Scotland. It started at 3:16 AM, or earlier. In Juneau, Alaska, it ends after 11:51 PM and started at or before 2:42 AM. In Alta, Sweden, it ends after 12:15 AM and started at or before 2:22 AM. As you go north, the fast starts earlier and ends later.

(MyZmanim doesn't even have all the zmanim for these cities, and I can't find zmanim for cities farther north. I assume it's because the calculations become too complex, but I don't know that for sure.)
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amother
Tanzanite


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 9:26 am
amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:
Fasting until 11 must be very hard. Though it means that there was time to wake up and have breakfast before the fast began.

If sunset is around 1015 pm then sunrise is around 3:00 am. You would have to get up at 2:00 am to eat before the fast.
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amother
Dahlia


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 9:28 am
amother [ Tanzanite ] wrote:
If sunset is around 1015 pm then sunrise is around 3:00 am. You would have to get up at 2:00 am to eat before the fast.


You're right. I meant, get up after midnight to eat a middle of the night breakfast. I should have been clearer. Thanks.
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amother
Stoneblue


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 9:31 am
amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:
You're right. I meant, get up after midnight to eat a middle of the night breakfast. I should have been clearer. Thanks.


Does this actually help? I feel like it wouldn't.
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amother
Dahlia


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 9:32 am
amother [ Stoneblue ] wrote:
Does this actually help? I feel like it wouldn't.


For some people it does. It's worth a try for someone who can't make it through the day.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 9:34 am
amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:
This actually isn't true; the later the fast ends, the earlier it begins.

For example, the fast ends after 11:22 in Edinburgh, Scotland. It started at 3:16 AM, or earlier. In Juneau, Alaska, it ends after 11:51 PM and started at or before 2:42 AM. In Alta, Sweden, it ends after 12:15 AM and started at or before 2:22 AM. As you go north, the fast starts earlier and ends later.

(MyZmanim doesn't even have all the zmanim for these cities, and I can't find zmanim for cities farther north. I assume it's because the calculations become too complex, but I don't know that for sure.)


It started at around 1/2 am this morning so no one woke up to eat/drink. My dh didn't stay up eating until so late.

He doesn't want ds to know bc he's still so young at 13 and doesn't want him to think it's a free for all. I'm with dh all the way, I don't expect him to fast until 11. I'm the same way...he's not planning a whole meal now, just a drink and something small to tide him over till 11. Ds doesn't need to know, we think it's best like this.

BTW dh didn't just do DIY today (which was mainly gardening a bit & fixing pipe work outside) he also sat and learnt etc, fetched kids for me. He doesn't like going to bed on fast days, he just ends up feeling way worse.

He'll sit down with my son later, to eat properly. Ds is kicking a ball around, walking about etc. He's not resting either! I wish he'd rest but he doesn't want to.

DH is extremely thin, he definitely doesn't fast as easy as other adults but he definitely can do it. I'm not upset at him for doing what he did btw. I just wasn't sure what to do about ds.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Sun, Jun 27 2021, 9:39 am
amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:
Fasting until 11 must be very hard. Though it means that there was time to wake up and have breakfast before the fast began.


No, it came in at 1.04am here!

OP, why not ask a shaila for chinuch purposes? If DS is feeling okay and planning to fast it out, and DH can discreetly snack, maybe you'll be told to lie for the sake of chinuch?
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