Dd 16 don’t want to help at home that no friends do

amother

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 12:54 pm

She is my oldest. I didn’t teach her to help at home. I need help now but she says she doesn’t have time during the school and now on vacation she doesn’t want to help. Wwyd. Is your dd have chores or hrlp and if yes to what does she do. My dd sometimes bakes and on very seldom occasion make a dish for shabbos. She does keep her room organized.

avrahamama

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 12:58 pm

She's gotta help. It's not for you. It's for her. It doesn't need to be anything major. But 15-20 min a day of participation in the household is reasonable.

#BestBubby

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 12:59 pm

Kids need to be trained to helpat home from when very little.

At this point all you can do is offer $ or other incentive.

avrahamama

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 12:59 pm

BTW it doesn't matter if it's a dd of a ds. I dont have a girl yet. So it's my boys that are of the age to take on a responsibility that do something. But they all must do something.

ShishKabob

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:00 pm

I disagree with offering her money. She is part of this household, she needs to contribute. Her parents pay for all of her expenses. What kind of adult will she become?

amother

Topaz

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:00 pm

For once, I agree with #BestBubby. It won't be a smooth road at this point to convince her that she is obligated to help.

avrahamama

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:02 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Kids need to be trained to helpat home from when very little.

At this point all you can do is offer $ or other incentive.

Maybe if she starts setting expectations of every single able bodied person in the house she won't need to offer an incentive.

If she only singles out the teen then yes it will be harder to get her to just do the right thing.

amother

Mulberry

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:04 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Do you ask your ds to help too? If not, can't expect dd to.

hodeez

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:08 pm

If she wasn't expected to clean for the last ten years she will be very resistant to the sudden imposition. Incentive is at least a way to transition her into a role of doing more around the house. For your next kids indoctrinate them early Wink

amother

Tomato

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:08 pm

Do you have other kids too?

In my opinion ALL kids should be helping. If you have more kids, make sure everyone is doing something to help so she isn’t singled out.

My 13 year old son has chores (dishes, laundry, take out trash/recycling, sweeping… etc several times a week). My 4 year old cleans up her toys, cleans her kids table… etc too.

amother

Mulberry

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:09 pm

It's hard to start years later when you didn't ask her in the past, but I would sit down and talk to her about responsibility, helping out. It's never too late. Tell her it's a new rule in the house, everyone needs to contribute. Ask her to choose chores that she likes to do.

cbg

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:10 pm

Time for a family meeting
Write down all the household chores and let her pick the easiest ones
DH should also pick chores
It’s not so unreasonable

amother

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:10 pm

She is my oldest. After her I have toddler and a baby. Idk how to make her help also van I have ideas for specific chores that are best for teens. She is very organized so maybe she can organize the kitchen cabinets. What else can I ask her to do? If I have a housekeeper once a week does she still need to help. She claims the housekeepers do everything at her friends house. We live in an affluent community. She is complaining to me that the house is sometimes not perfectly organized but still doesn’t want to help.

avrahamama

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:11 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She is my oldest. After her I have toddler and a baby.

She's gotta help! But maybe don't give her too much childcare stuff she would be resentful of. Start of light and quick. 10-15 min a day of help ... Then build her up to more. But please not more than half hour. Unless it's desperate need.

I did everything for my mother. It was me and then a sibling 13 yrs younger. They never appreciated all I did. Literally walking to supermarket and back with gallons of water a few times a week. To our 3rd floor walk up. Babysitting frequently. And never being given any compensation or even like ok we are going out to dinner let's order something nice for you too.

I didn't ever expect anything. But if you are asking for more than a certain amount of help a day then she needs incentive.

amother

Peach

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:11 pm

What does it mean you never had her help? She never helped put away laundry? Set the table? unload the dishwasher? (How can that be? My 6 year old does all these things) Or are you talking about cleaning the toilets or doing grocery shopping or making dinner? (Which is also ok I’m just curious what you’re referring to)

amother

Azure

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:13 pm

Give her a list of jobs and ask her to choose 3 or 4 that she would like to do. It’s easier to get kids to do chores they find more enjoyable or are easy for them. If she’s good at organizing compliment how well she does it and say you really need her expertise in xyz area.

keym

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:16 pm

Rephrase it.
DD you're getting big now. I'm going to start teaching you this summer how to run a house and do chores.
Here's a list of 15 chores. Pick 3 or 4. And over this week, we'll work on it.
It's not about "needing her help" as much as "wanting her to learn how to work with a family and take responsibility"

amother

Ruby

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:18 pm

16 is close enough to seminary. I'd start with having her do her own laundry. Tell her she needs to be able to do it to go. It's a nice one because you don't need a reward or consequence- either she has clean clothes or doesn't. Once she has that, you can work in other things, but she'll already be used to doing a chore.

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:24 pm

My dd is 13. She helps set and clear/clean the table. Often bakes or makes dessert for shabbos. Goes to the shops for me. Will bath my toddler occasionally. Tidies up and hoovers for shabbos (all my kids tidy and hoover). Clears away clean dishes and puts away shopping. Folds and Puts away her own laundry. Strips and remakes her bed.
I think it may work better if you do chores together with her. In the evening, put on some music and divide up the jobs. Then both sit down with a hot chocolate or milkshake. Make it a joint activity that will help you both relax and bond.