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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Dd 16 don’t want to help at home that no friends do
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:38 pm
What are you asking her to do?

I wasn't expected to do chores as a teenager except theoretically to keep my room clean. And generally that was a battle so eventually my mother gave up and just kept my bedroom door closed Smile

When I was sixteen I had a pretty heavy school load plus a long commute. And also I started working summers when I was 16 at a full time summer job.

If it is relevant, my mother had a cleaning lady once a week to do heavy cleaning and laundry but the kitchen still have to be tidied after dinner. FWIW, my father was pretty helpful as my mother and father both worked so they split household chores. Generally she would cook and he would clean the kitchen. My Bubbe lived downstairs and she would often help by starting a meal like putting the chicken into the oven.
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amother
Firethorn


 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:46 pm
Help at home or take away everything including her clothes from her.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:54 pm
amother [ Firethorn ] wrote:
Help at home or take away everything including her clothes from her.


That has to be a joke.
Right!?
Otherwise. Wow.
That's one way to help with the resentment that she's struggling with being different than her peers who don't have to help.
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small bean




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 2:43 pm
I expect all my kids to do something every day. I do give leeway for social and school obligations.

I think it's important for kids to help.
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amother
Firethorn


 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 2:48 pm
keym wrote:
That has to be a joke.
Right!?
Otherwise. Wow.
That's one way to help with the resentment that she's struggling with being different than her peers who don't have to help.


No. I'm seirous.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 2:49 pm
Seems she was an only child for most of her life and now suddenly since you had two more kids you’re expecting her to pitch in.
Do you have a good relationship overall?
I’d communicate with her like an adult if yes.
Just be frank, state an observation of things that still have to be done, that you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed, and ask what she thinks she can do to pitch in.
Issuing commands will backfire
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 2:51 pm
There's a way to do this without shaming or blaming her.

How do you ask for help?

If you want to share it here, I can try to help you say it in a way that could be easier for her to hear.
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 2:52 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She is my oldest. After her I have toddler and a baby. Idk how to make her help also van I have ideas for specific chores that are best for teens. She is very organized so maybe she can organize the kitchen cabinets. What else can I ask her to do? If I have a housekeeper once a week does she still need to help. She claims the housekeepers do everything at her friends house. We live in an affluent community. She is complaining to me that the house is sometimes not perfectly organized but still doesn’t want to help.


Organizing cabinets is a one time thing. Have her do smth regular.

Pick up a toddler and take him to the park, set table for every shabbes meal, clear the dishwasher. Something like that.
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amother
Cyclamen


 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 2:54 pm
I don't have advice... but just want to comment. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to teach her home management skills. I had no responsibilities as a kid and as an adult it is one of my biggest struggles.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 2:57 pm
amother [ Firethorn ] wrote:
No. I'm seirous.


Ok. Let's follow this through.

Mom: DD please do the dishes
DD: shrugging. I don't want to. None of my friends do.
Mom: DD do the dishes or you lose your stuff
DD: shrugging. I don't want to.
Mom: marches to bedroom with a box and throws all her clothes in.
Now what?
Either you'll win the battle- she'll help, but lose the relationship with her.
Or, you'll also lose the battle. What's next? Do the dishes or live on the street.
How is any of this helpful for anyone?
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:00 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
. I need help now .

What kind of help do you need?
And why specifically from Her?
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amother
Firethorn


 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:00 pm
keym wrote:
Ok. Let's follow this through.

Mom: DD please do the dishes
DD: shrugging. I don't want to. None of my friends do.
Mom: DD do the dishes or you lose your stuff
DD: shrugging. I don't want to.
Mom: marches to bedroom with a box and throws all her clothes in.
Now what?
Either you'll win the battle- she'll help, but lose the relationship with her.
Or, you'll also lose the battle. What's next? Do the dishes or live on the street.
How is any of this helpful for anyone?


If you lose the relationship over being a parent, you didn't have one to begin with.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:02 pm
amother [ Firethorn ] wrote:
If you lose the relationship over being a parent, you didn't have one to begin with.

So
If you don’t have full power and control over your teen then you aren’t a parent and don’t have a relationship.
Wow I bet you think you have a relationship with your kids!
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:03 pm
amother [ Firethorn ] wrote:
If you lose the relationship over being a parent, you didn't have one to begin with.


Taking all of your child's clothing or other possessions is not part of a normal relationship one has with a defiant teenager.

I can't imagine that resulting in anything but a completely broken down relationship until the child moves away at which point it becomes a starting point with every therapist she visits.

It is simply not acceptable parenting to use this kind of nuclear option for what is a pretty typical teenage reaction to be asked to do stuff they don't want to.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:06 pm
amother [ Firethorn ] wrote:
Help at home or take away everything including her clothes from her.

You might make good money selling a parenting book càlled "Nuclear Parenting" (credit to amarante).
Btw, did you graduate from Sadism Academy? If that's the way your parents related to you, then I guess you may have graduated from there. Which makes me very sad that you had such experiences.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:09 pm
amother [ Firethorn ] wrote:
If you lose the relationship over being a parent, you didn't have one to begin with.


True.
Handing out orders and taking away a child's fundamental right to clothes if she doesn't obey- there is no parent/child relationship there, so none to lose.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:23 pm
amother [ Firethorn ] wrote:
Help at home or take away everything including her clothes from her.

Yuck
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:24 pm
This isn't a defiant kid, this is a normal 16 yr old who was never asked to help and is now not happy to start.

I didn't help out much either as a teen, and neither did any of our friends. We had school which was our main responsibility, and some of us had jobs.

Definitely ignore the ridiculous advice to throw out her clothes if she doesn't help. Unless you want her to run away to one of her friends or leave home at the first opportunity.

I wouldn't make a whole big formal fuss of 'now you have to help at home'. People, including kids, don't like to be cornered that way. I would do what others suggested. Things like saying now you are an adult, you really should be doing your own laundry.
If you can't get her to do the dishes or load the dishwasher, tell her she will need to wash her own dishes. It's her choice, load for everyone twice a week or wash her own all week long.

Above all, I would not fight with her over this. She is 16, you can't just change the rules at this stage, and you can't win a fight with a 16 yr old.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:26 pm
Quote:
I'm not convinced kids need chores. My kids don't have chores (oldest is 18). If I need something done I ask for a volunteer. Usually someone responds.

And btw, my teens can cook and bake simple things, do laundry, and run errands.
They learned because they wanted to not because I needed them to.
I used to get yelled at and shamed for not helping my mother in the kitchen as much as my older sister did. My mother would say it's to my benefit to help her. Yeah right.
(I didn't help her in the kitchen because my sister and my mother had a totally enmeshed relationship and I was the "other," the black sheep. Our kitchen wasn't big enough for me to be in there with them.)
(I was my mother's go-to babysitter. No social life or extracurriculars. You'd think that would be enough helping.)
(I figured out the kitchen very quickly after I got married. I didn't need my mother's "lessons.")
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 01 2021, 3:29 pm
amother [ Papaya ] wrote:
I'm not convinced kids need chores. My kids don't have chores (oldest is 18). If I need something done I ask for a volunteer. Usually someone responds.

Were doing just fine without chores. I just say something like “I can really use some help unpacking this order can you help me”?
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