When your child goes to a friend's house, do all rules go

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:23 pm

out the window?
Am I asking too much to expect that my children still respect our standards to some degree?

amother

Bergamot

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:26 pm

Can you give examples?

I live in a mixed OOT community. My kids know they can’t eat cholov stam in someone else’s home, and to ask before watching anything. They are good at following those rules. They also know I wouldn’t want them getting too dirty in the mud.

What kinds of rules are you talking about?

ShishKabob

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:26 pm

No, it's not too much to ask. However, it depends on what it is and it depends how much of a nisayon you are putting your child into when they go to that home.

amother

Babypink

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:28 pm

My kids know what they can and can’t do I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

thunderstorm

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:28 pm

I don’t think it’s asking too much. Please provide an example of one standard not being respected.

amother

Poinsettia

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:38 pm

I don't generally allow my kids to watch TV during the week, just about an hour on the weekend (on the computer). We don't own a TV.

Time and time again, they go to a friend's after school and watch TV while they eat, or instead of playing Playmobil etc. I believe that it's asking too much of my kids to not watch TV when they are a guest and their friends are watching.

However, because of this I don't always let them go to certain houses. I don't see a point in going to spend time with a friend, and then just watching TV.

Rutabaga

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 1:54 pm

What kind of rules?

I give my children 2 rules for playdates - be polite and have fun. I think that pretty much covers everything.

OOTforlife

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 2:06 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

No, it's not too much to ask. However, it depends on what it is and it depends how much of a nisayon you are putting your child into when they go to that home.

Yup, this. The child's age and maturity level factor in too.

amother

Brown

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 2:10 pm

amother [ Poinsettia ] wrote:

Thats why I dont let them go to certain kids houses.
If All they do is watch and play video games instead of playing outside or with games- toys..

And I send them to a heimish- chassidish school..

Chayalle

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 2:13 pm

I think alot depends on the child and the situation.

Years ago, I took a parenting course with Mrs. Leah Trenk of Lakewood, and she shared this story with the group. A woman who had attended her classes in Lakewood moved OOT, and her daughter was at the age of Bas Mitzvah. Her daughter was struggling with the fact that many of the Bas Mitzva events she was invited to were not Chalav Yisrael, which was the family's standard. She called Mrs. Trenk to discuss this.

Mrs. Trenk advised the woman to ask a sheila. She did, and she reported back what happened. Her Rav advised her that it was THEIR choice to move OOT, not her daughter's, and they should tell her that since it's hard for her, it's okay for her to eat, since it's Kosher after all.

The girl went to a party, and came home, and her mother asked her how it was. She said, eh, okay, it's not like the food was so great, and after all, we keep Chalav Yisrael!

Once the pressure was removed from her and she got to make her own choices...she did.

This is not a psak, just a story. If your child is struggling, ask your own LOR.

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 4:57 pm

OP, what types of things do you mean?
The vast majority of homes my child goes to are in line with our way of life so there are no specific rules we make when she goes to friends.

ayintova

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 8:14 pm

We had Shabbos guests over and their children were making a bit of a mess of the toys. My children told them to clean up before taking out more toys because those are the rules at our house. The child replied, “I’m the guest! I can do what I want!”. I remember my children’s stunned reaction. LOL

amother

Zinnia

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 8:20 pm

ayintova wrote:

The child replied, “I’m the guest! I can do what I want!”. I remember my children’s stunned reaction. LOL

We teach our kids to let guests go first when it comes to anything that requires taking turns. When oldest DD was 3 and we were eating at another family, I heard DD tell their kid, "I'm the guest, so I get to go first." Oops!

Since then we have been more careful to be clear that certain rules are only for when we have guests, and other rules are only for when we are guests ourselves.

Page 1 of 1