Can I use your house for free?

amother

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 8:47 am

People post this stuff on whatsapp all the time or they message me directly.

"Hi. I am looking for a house to use for 3 weeks for a couple and 4 children. Would prefer something free."

"Can my inlaws and BIL use your basement for the whole pesach?"

I am kinda floored at these requests. That sure is a long time to want free lodging from strangers. It's also almost a month's worth of electricity, air conditioning, and hot water on someone else's tab.

And it sure is a huge ask for me to host an elderly couple and their special needs son for a week and a half the busiest time of year.

I am always happy to lend out my basement for a shabbos to a friend's family even though it means 3 extra loads of laundry and all the time it takes to make up the beds etc. Or a night here and there for a Simcha but it's a favor. Please don't ask me to host your sister in laws second cousins friend who you don't even know. And please don't ask me to host for an entire week or month. I'm not a gemach. Hosting means I get extra work, have to be dressed with my hair covered at all times, and I have to be social and friendly.

There was a thread recently about whether any request is valid and if someone can just say no. I personally think some requests are really too much. If someone has a private guest house that's one thing. Asking someone with a standard size house and a whole family to let pple move in for weeks is a lot.

watergirl

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 8:53 am

No is a valid and one word answer. You do not have should not have to give your space to anyone for any period of time. There will always be people who figure it cant hurt to ask, right or wrong. That does not mean you can not say no without feeling badly about it.

Chayalle

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 9:00 am

There are people who have Hachnasas Orchim apartments specifically for lending out for longer periods of time. I remember being the beneficiary of such a tremendous kindness the week of my Sheva Brachos - my apartment wasn't ready yet, and a couple who had such a designated apartment allowed us to use it for the whole week.

Before I moved, I had a finished basement with a guest suite, and I was frequently asked for the use thereof. I figured out boundaries for myself of what worked, and said no to requests that didn't. For example, I found that guests during the week were difficult for me, so I only gave it out for Shabbos. Others might find weekday guests to be fine, and if so that's a huge Chessed.

I feel there's always a balance between knowing what is okay to ask....and knowing that it's okay to say no. I'm the one who started that other thread. I do think some things shouldn't be asked, but sometimes there's a fine line. And I always remember something our Rav once told DH and me - if you say no and set boundaries, that will allow you to do the Mitzva. If you don't set boundaries, you will end up not being able to do it.

amother

Navyblue

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 9:01 am

amother [ Wheat ] wrote:

People are allowed to ask, and you're allowed to say no.

Actually, that's called putting someone on the spot. That's not the way I was raised. It's a chutzpah and bad manners. You may find someone who is very polite and has a hard time saying no, but that doesn't mean you should take advantage of them. There are societal norms, and this is inappropriate in my opinion. Why ask for something for free? If you're going to treat them like a hotel, at least offer to pay.

Chayalle

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 9:01 am

BTW I also think there's a difference between posting in a public place vs. asking someone directly.

Public place - anyone who wants can respond, and anyone whom it doesn't work for doesn't feel personally asked, and won't feel bad not responding.

But personal asks can sometimes get awkward and uncomfortable.

amother

Peach

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 9:04 am

Wow are people really like this? When I was a kid we let people use our basement for shabbos simchos but no one ever asked to use it randomly or for weekday. I can’t believe people are so rude. And no I don’t agree that it’s ok to ask, it’s not ok to put the burden on the other person. And just in case you don’t know it’s a huge burden to say no to people for many reasons.

HakarasHatov

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 9:10 am

amother [ Navyblue ] wrote:

Good point, If I know the person I may ask them bit start of with “I don’t expect you to say yes” or “ Please feel free to say no” If Don’t know the person, then I think it is very risky to ask for such a request, so I usually don’t.

amother

Vermilion

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 9:18 am

I agree it’s rude to put someone in a spot like that.
My pet peeve is when I go away for a weekend and people ask if they can use my house while I’m away. Not a private basement. My actual living space. I know there are exceptionally generous people out there who are okay with that but it’s so rude to think it’s okay to ask something like that. Can't Believe It

amother

Taupe

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 9:30 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That thread was actually inspired by a hosting guests thread

amother

Sand

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 9:56 am

We've lent out our house to friends and neighbors when we've gone away for Yom Tov. It's a little annoying because I can't just walk out the door and leave a mess if we're in a rush but I don't mind other than that. It's a normal favor for people to do/ask, not only in my neighborhood but also where our parents and relatives live. We've been on both the giving and recipient sides of house lending.

amother

Vermilion

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 10:06 am

amother [ Sand ] wrote:

I truly admire you for that.
I, for one, am extremely uncomfortable with the idea of people using my house while I’m not there. Never mind the pressure of leaving it perfectly clean and organized. Or them going through my private stuff. Simply can’t imagine. But I admire those who do it.

amother

Gold

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 10:07 am

I actually am looking into redoing my basement because I'd love to have a space to give out for Hachnosos Orchim.
However, I would only give it out for Shabbos and if I know the people asking for it (neighbors wanting lodging for their guests for their Simchas etc)

I agree that it's rude to ask people out of line requests. Like can I use your house for 3 weeks or stuff like that. I have a very close family member who will always go out of her way to do favors. She just cannot say no. Knowing this, I only ask her when I really really need something, because I know she'll say yes. Other family members actually take advantage of that and ask her really ridiculous requests. I think it's super rude.