I'm the worst mother. 3yo cursing.

WhatFor

Mon, Jul 05 2021, 9:09 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

I believe one mom mentioned 12 month olds. The rest of the conversation was about three and two-year-olds. Also if you’re responding to my response then don’t source information from someone else’s response. That’s just manipulating the situation to your benefit.

You were talking about 12 month olds

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

A. I disagree. Putting a 12 month old in a playpen for a short period of time after hitting or doing a behavior that they were told not to do after multiple warnings is not abusive.
B. Saying that posters who are saying that this behavior is abisoce were likely abused themselves is entirely absurd. Adults who are really abused as children wouldn’t be calling a time out for a 12 month old abusive! That is just ludicrous

amother

Ecru

Mon, Jul 05 2021, 9:28 am

WhatFor wrote:

because I was responding to a poster who is referring to a 12 month old. See my response earlier. I never said that punishing a 12 month old for crying is OK. I did say that minor consequences for repeated misbehavior after multiple warning an such as withholding a treat or time out is ok (what does time out mean for you? For me it’s separating the child from the behavior in an age appropriate way. For a twelve month old that may be for two minutes in another room) For a three year old who had greater understanding I would withhold a treat. Again if anyone considers us abusive and you do not know what the true meaning of abuse really is and you should be thankful for that.

amother

Cerise

Mon, Jul 05 2021, 9:32 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

yes I did say that time out can sometimes be appropriate for a 12 month child. For certain behaviors after repeated warnings. I did not say this is warranted for crying. And I’m not talking about locking up the child for the night. Timeout can mean a minute or two in a separate area where they need to pause and stop engaging in the behavior. If this is abusing them then you clearly don’t know what abuse is

Warnings. Whoa. For a 12 month old.
You must have geniuses.

Do they do puzzles at 3 months? Talk at 5 months?
Wow.

Let this ring in your ears- you are abusive.
You are abusive. You are abusive.

Make it personal so it bothers you enough to take action;

Say; I am abusive.
Say; I am abusive.
Say; I am abusive.

Say; I have no idea what not abusive means.

Say; I will ask a few people outside my immediate circle, that are not from old school to make sure my ideas about parenting are up with the times and are not abusive or damaging.

Laiya

Mon, Jul 05 2021, 9:33 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I want to crawl into a hole.

My 3yo son picked up on the f-word from hearing me say it in my lowest moments. For some reason it helped me cope when I was dealing with PPD/postpartum rage.
I have been so careful not to say the word in front of him for a while now, but the damage has been done.

He uses it with startling accuracy and has been saying it more and more often as time passes. For a while he only said it in front of me, but he finally started saying it in front of my husband, who is shocked that he knows the word, as we never curse (we are yeshivish)! I act shocked as well, as I am not about to admit that this is a monster of my creation.

He started using it at my in-laws' house (my MIL has been watching him this summer) embarrassed

She first took the approach of ignoring it, but when it became more frequent, she tried to explain that this is not something we say.
We tried the same as well, and it has accomplished nothing. Even worse, his 2yo sister has started copying him.

I am beyond mortified and at a complete loss as to how we can stop this. I've failed at such a basic thing and I feel like I have ruined a part of my child's innocence forever.

He is going to start school in September and this needs to stop before that! We can't have him corrupting other young children (that is truly my main concern, even more than the embarrassment it would cause to myself).

What should we do???

OP, you did not fail as a mother. It's not socially acceptable, but it's not like this is harmful or dangerous. But what is important for your ds is to have a mother who models self-compassion. Even if you don't put yourself down verbally in front of him, kids pick up on our attitudes toward ourselves. So be kind to yourself.

As for the cursing, he obviously has no clue what the word means because he's 3. I agree with ignoring the fact he's cursing.

I think I would address this the same as a kid who shrieks or cries. Which is, try to address his feelings. You wouldn't tell an angry 3 year old to stop crying, because then what should he do? You need to give him the words he needs, teach him a vocabulary for expressing his feelings. You can say things like, That's so frustrating when your toy breaks! I know you're disappointed that the store didn't have the crackers you wanted. Etc.

And let him hear you model these things yourself. You say you stopped cursing in front of him, he should hear how you do express your negative feelings.

amother

Amaryllis

Mon, Jul 05 2021, 9:34 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

What kind of behaviors need warnings for 12 months old?

(And what kind of 12 month old understands what a warning is?)

Last edited by amother on Tue, Dec 21 2021, 5:57 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Cerise

Mon, Jul 05 2021, 9:35 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

You claim that we don't know what abuse means.

I claim that you don't know what NOT abuse means.

Will you check out what NOT abuse means?

Zehava

Mon, Jul 05 2021, 9:38 am

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

Time out for a minute or two is not abusive.

Actually this is advice given by experts, if a parent is at the end of their rope and is getting agitated about a baby crying. Better to put them down in a crib and give yourself space to calm down rather than c"v end up doing something that ends in shaken baby syndrome.

It’s obviously done in an emergency situation because it’s clearly the lesser of the two evils. In no way does it mean that it’s okay to let babies cry as a general practice of child-rearing.
No one in their right mind would call it a time-out or say that it’s okay to punish a baby for crying.

amother

Cerise

Mon, Jul 05 2021, 9:39 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Tell the child that it isn't a nice word. Tell him you made a mistake and will not use it anymore.

Tell him every day that he isn't using it he is getting a chocolate or whatever you would give for a behavior that you care enough about.

This won't be undone in 5 days.
Give it a few months.

Sometimes we parent our kids. Sometimes they parent us. It is the reality of having kids.

We aren't saints. We make mistakes. Sometimes the price we pay for our mistakes is kids that give us some embarrassment.
It is ok. The world will continue.

You aren't the worst parent. We are all human.

amother

Impatiens

Mon, Jul 05 2021, 9:39 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

A 12 month old DOES NOT misbehave. They explore and interact with their environment.

Nothing in the world warrants punishing a 12 month old BABY.

So yes, if you would tell this over to a therapist, they would likely be mandated to report you for abusing your baby.

amother

Nemesia

Mon, Jul 05 2021, 9:39 am

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

Then that's not time out. Call it what it is. It's not to "teach" the baby something. It's because the parent is at the end of their rope.

In any case, I don't think that's what the posters were referring to.

Sb1234

Mon, Jul 05 2021, 9:40 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

This is horrifying. Putting a 12 month old child in a time out is insane. Insane. Insane. That’s really messed up parenting and I really hope- for your children’s sake- that you can reflect on that and read a book or take a parenting class that can clarify that for you.

amother

Ecru

Mon, Jul 05 2021, 9:41 am

amother [ Cerise ] wrote:

this is absurd! Yes if a 12 month old child for example kicks their infant cousin in the head with their brand new shoes (is walking at 12 months considered super advanced?) and they are told by mommy that this not ok in a gentle way. This is repeated a second and third time then yes I would most definitely send said 12 month old to another room for 120 seconds and tell him that this is because he hurt his little cousin. Yes this has worked effectively for me. I will repeat again - this is not abuse.

amother

Nemesia

Mon, Jul 05 2021, 9:43 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

Seriously?! Warnings for a 12 month old?!
At what point do you realize that you are the one heading the wrong way on the highway?