I'm the worst mother. 3yo cursing.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Jul 05 2021, 8:45 pm

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

behaviors that harm others and/or are not child appropriated. I posted an example to another poster giving the example of a 12 month old child the kicks an infant in the head multiple times with shoes . Agreed that the child is not malicious and doesn’t realize that this is dangerous. But it is dangerous and needs to be stopped if it keeps on being repeated

All the posters pushing for timeouts for babies are 100% abusive! You all need help IRL and my heart breaks for your precious babies who were never given a chance to be and embrace the appropriate developmental stage they were in. Read up on parenting and child development with an open mind ( not books from the 80s ) for your children’s sake.

amother

Hunter

Mon, Jul 05 2021, 9:21 pm

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

Look I’m not going to continue arguing because we are clearly not on the same page here. I will repeat for the last time that I do not condone malicious punishments for babies or children of any age. I do condone age appropriate consequences such as putting them in another room for a minute or two for children (or 12 month olds) who are repeatedly doing something that is harmful to themselves or others. I am not abusive and this is not abusive behavior. And don’t come here on inamother when your child is 7 years old to complain that your child is bratty, spoiled, not listening to you etc. or that your teenager is so uncooperative and has chutzpah. Or that your husband is a man child. Learning boundaries and showing right from wrong doesn’t start at age 7. It starts in an age appropriate manner as soon as they can understand basic sentences. Again all in an age appropriate way. Good luck to you all.

I haven’t followed all your posts but I’m curious how old your oldest is that you write this?

amother

Apple

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 10:32 am

When my daughter was 4 she picked up an "adult" word. The first time or two she said it I didn't say anything, but after that I explained to her that this isn't a word children should use, and gave her a replacement word to use. She has been really good about it, and now about a year later she doesn't remember the original word she used.

amother

Pistachio

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 10:52 am

amother [ Apple ] wrote:

What word may adults use but children may not use it? When around kids, adults shouldn't use any words they don't want kids repeating.

amother

Lemon

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 11:24 am

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

American Academy of Pediatrics used to recommend time outs from 12 months and up but now suggest 18 months. You are calling the AAP abusive Banging head

amother

Lemon

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 11:27 am

Some quotes from them.

The AAP says that to make a time-out work for your 12- to 24-month-old, it's important to act immediately (while the unwanted behavior is happening) and tell him calmly in no more than 10 words why he has to sit down and be still.

By the time children are 18 months old, they may start ... time-out. Very few 18-month-olds know how to be quiet and still. You will teach him.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=.....7qvs1

Zehava

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 11:32 am

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

Oyyy
Seems like this hasn’t been updated since the 70s
A lot of research has been done since then. This advice is very damaging.

lk1234

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 11:39 am

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

I can’t read through the whole thread but was curious because I see this thread popping up on imamother. What you are writing is so out of touch with modern research. Even my parents who are “old timers” would not subscribe to this. Just saying this so you can maybe look into more current parenting techniques.

amother

Honeysuckle

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 11:51 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Wow I did not expect this thread to veer so off course.
Does anyone have any applicable advice for me, as the OP?
Can those who would like to continue arguing about the abuse of 12 month olds please start a spinoff?

I would start using a different phrase for upsetting things, either that happened to you or him. Validate and affirm his feelings, model the preferable word, and encourage him to express how he feels. “Oh shucks, the blocks fell! How frustrating! You look upset, that is no fun. Shucks!”

I would completely ignore his use of the f word. The more attention you show it the more he will find the use of it exciting. I would certainly not punish him, firstly because he is 3 and doesn’t know better, and all 3 year olds struggle with regulation and self-discipline, as is normal, and secondly because it will just emphasize the unwanted behavior and make it seem fun to transgress. He sounds like that kind of kid.

Don’t beat yourself up. He’ll get over it. You haven’t done anything terrible and you sound like you’ve more than learned your lesson. It does not make you a bad parent.

gamanit

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 12:58 pm

Zehava wrote:

Oyyy
Seems like this hasn’t been updated since the 70s
A lot of research has been done since then. This advice is very damaging.

I'm actually not so sure about this. I've been noticing more and more infantile behavior in older kids. What's normal at one age isn't at another and if you don't deal with it when they're young they'll act younger for longer. BTW I personally never believed in time-outs. Also, not all kids are created equal. I just looked through some of my old pictures and saw my son at barely a year old cleaning my walls with a magic eraser (no I did not ask him to). My daughter at that age wasn't walking yet. Both wonderful kids, each kid develops at their own rate.

Zehava

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 1:01 pm

gamanit wrote:

What you’re referring to as infantile might be age-appropriate.
I don’t believe we have to force our kids to grow up before they’re ready. They are programmed from birth to mature at their own pace. Your job as a mother is to provide the right conditions for that to happen. Not force it to happen.
There’s nothing wrong with acting younger for longer if that’s what they need. Being forced into early maturity can be detrimental.
Your kids are only kids for a few years. Why the rush for them to grow up? They’ll be adults for long enough.

amother

Pistachio

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 1:10 pm

gamanit wrote:

I don't think you're noticing infantile behavior in older kids. I think what you're noticing is that many parents today are rushing their kids to become independent and grow up from when they're a baby. They don't allow their kids to grow at their own pace and behave in an age appropriate way, they force their kids to be independent from a very early age.

gamanit

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 1:37 pm

Zehava wrote:

Just an example. I saw a six-year-old girl slapping her mother. That makes sense for a two-year-old. It is not age-appropriate for a first-grader.

gamanit

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 1:39 pm

amother [ Pistachio ] wrote:

Just the opposite. Kids are less independent than ever. It used to be normal for kids to play outside by themselves. Now they're watched all the time.

amother

Pistachio

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 1:41 pm

gamanit wrote:

Just an example. I saw a six-year-old girl slapping her mother. That makes sense for a two-year-old. It is not age-appropriate for a first-grader.

I believe that this is a result of gentle/permissive parenting. Parents are afraid to be the authority figure.
Or maybe that child has behavioral issues.

amother

Pistachio

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 1:47 pm

gamanit wrote:

Just the opposite. Kids are less independent than ever. It used to be normal for kids to play outside by themselves. Now they're watched all the time.

Kids don't play outside by themselves because there's more awareness of safety, it has nothing to do with independence. No one used to use seat belts or helmets either, now there's more safety awareness.
By more independent I mean to say that many parents teach their child to take care of themselves (dress themselves, serve themselves, feed themselves, clean themselves....) from an early age because the parents don't have time or patience to properly care for their kids. I've seen so many posts of mothers priding themselves that they taught their 2-3 year olds to be independent & do everything by themselves without help. I don't see it as a good thing at all to hurry kids to become independent when they're toddlers.

tp3

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 1:55 pm

gamanit wrote:

if you don't deal with it when they're young they'll act younger for longer.

Not quite true.
Many things are typical behavior at an appropriate age that don't need any discipline at all. Kids grow out of it by themselves. Zero interference necessary.
Some behaviors linger because they are not yet ready to grow out of them. You cannot force a child to mature when he is not ready to.
It might look like you can superficially but it is very harmful and inside there is catching up to do.
Some of my kids missed a certain developmental stage for whatever reason and I went backwards with them and made sure they got their time and opportunity. Or if I noticed their sudden interest in a toy below their age level, I encouraged it or even bought it for them.
If you force a child to mature on the outside through punishments, negative attention, etc., he will take years to try to catch up. And it's much more difficult so let's not go there.

gamanit

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 2:02 pm

tp3 wrote:

Kids can grow out of certain behaviors. Others less so. For example, I don't remember which rebbe it was that said that he never punishes a kid for climbing onto the table because that's something he wouldn't do as an adult. If the kid does do something that isn't easily outgrown that's when you step in and guide them towards a more age-appropriate way to approach the situation. Most therapists do not encourage promoting babyish toys for kids. You want kids to engage the mind in play. When did I ever mention punishments or negative attention?

tp3

Tue, Jul 06 2021, 2:11 pm

gamanit wrote:

Most therapists do not encourage promoting babyish toys for kids. You want kids to engage the mind in play.

Just about every toy out there engages the mind through play.
That's why I make sure my kids don't miss something, either if they're drawn to a specific toy or the opposite. Like the one who hates jigsaw puzzles, I will make a point to do jigsaw puzzles with him so he can master that skill.
Anyway this is besides the point but most toys engage one or more of the senses or imagination. Can't skip it.