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How to help a friend that's been terribly abused?
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amother
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Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 3:29 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She won't go out for meals ever. Even a 3 day yt.



It's like she needs someone to push her to do anything, and that's what I'm asking about.

HOW?


Do you know why she doesn't go out for meals?

I have to say that I also often decline going out for meals.

I'm going through a lot and have been through a lot, and sometimes I can't fake it throughout a meal. To go somewhere and not feel seen or be able to be seen is very hard. Also, for good reason, I don't trust some people--not necessarily the hosts, but maybe some of the guests they may have. I've been victim of a lot of loshon hara and worse. Or, I'll know they tend to have certain guests who rub me the wrong way or offend/trigger me and I don't want to sit through that, or end up in tears, or have to excuse myself abruptly and awkwardly and leave. I'm also not going to tell people who they can and can't have as guests, so I just remove myself from the equation.

I know I've also been burned that when I tried to start to open up with some close friends, I was abandoned, or it was too uncomfortable and I was silenced in the name of Torah, or worst of all, I was backstabbed. It's made me very gun shy. And, at the end of the day, I won't starve. I don't NEED a meal.

FYI I am in therapy. There is no magic pill there to change the realities I live in. I have 1 very close friends, but that's it.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 3:37 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She gives and gives and has so much to offer so why shouldn't she offer it to herself and to her own family. I want her to heal instead of helping everyone else heal.

Is there something specific she's doing that makes you feel like she's not healed/ not healing?

To the extent that you can say anything, I think you could maybe say something gently and non-judgmentally about specific behaviors you find worrying. Like, if she always listens to other people's problems, but brushes off any talk of her problems with 'you don't want to hear about it,' you could say, 'actually, I'd love to hear about it, if you're up to talking about it.' If it happens a lot, you could say something along the lines of, '(friend), you keep saying 'oh, you don't want to hear it.' But I do want to hear about your problems. You're my friend. Just like you're always happy to listen to my problems, I would love to be there for you when you have a problem. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about, but please don't hold back for my sake.'

That's just an example, but hopefully you see what I mean. Basically, avoid assuming anything about her current emotional state, or what she needs in terms of therapy or healing - the fact that she doesn't talk about being abused doesn't mean she needs someone to tell her to get therapy, the fact that (as far as you know) she's not dating doesn't mean she needs someone to tell her to get therapy, etc - but if there's something she's actively doing to suggest she's hurting, go ahead and react to that.
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