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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
DS not being included
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 8:08 am
Hi this is my first time posting on this forum so please be kind Smile
DS is 5 years old and technically has an ASD diagnosis but that was pretty much given so he can receive additional services he needs in yeshiva. His issues are mostly sensory and a little bit missing social cues.

Up until now in school he has been fine. He loves playing with friends and never had a problem being included. We switched to a new bungalow this summer and ever since we are here he is having a very difficult time. The boys run away from him and if they come to our bungalow its only to break his things and tease him. And with all that, he so badly wants to be included that he will keep asking them to come back.

DH and I are not sure what the right way to deal with this is. DS is miserable he is crying before camp that he doesn't want to go and crying when he comes home that he tries to play with boys and they just ignore him. I think it would be best if we just went back home. The counselors here are shnooky teenagers they are not equipped to deal with issues like this. DH thinks that's teaching him to run away and he will need to learn to live like this eventually. I know he is right in a way but as a mother I just want to push that down the road as far as possible.

I would be so grateful for any advice or words of hope as this is really weighing on me the last couple of weeks.
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amother
Candycane


 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 8:14 am
I’m sorry he’s having a hard time.

First of all try not to fight the autism diagnosis. If you have it, try to embrace it. It’s not given for no reason.
Secondly, I would leave the colony. It’s not that important to be in a bungalow when the child’s life is practically being ruined. What would you do if it was you getting bullied?
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 8:19 am
Poor kid!

Teaching a kid with ASD how to deal with bullies is important but not quick. At age 5, he probably can't do it so quickly, or at all. He'll need patient teaching, and socials skills work; otherwise, you could be setting yourselves up for retaliatory behavior, meltdowns, and copycat bullying.

I think your DH is seriously mistaken -- forcing a kid into a situation where he will be mistreated strikes me as crossing the line into abusive.

If he were to be working in such a toxic environment, you'd encourage him to find another job.

My 2 cents -- get DS out of there ASAP, and get him the therapeutic help he needs in recovering from this traumatic summer, and the social skills help he needs as well.


Last edited by imasinger on Tue, Jul 06 2021, 8:20 am; edited 1 time in total
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 8:19 am
It’s your job right now to protect your child. Those daycamps are not meant for special needs children. There are daycamps upstate there are. Maybe consider swallowing your pride and contacting one. So you can stay upstate and he can receive the proper supervision he needs.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 8:25 am
Zehava wrote:
It’s your job right now to protect your child. Those daycamps are not meant for special needs children. There are daycamps upstate there are. Maybe consider swallowing your pride and contacting one. So you can stay upstate and he can receive the proper supervision he needs.


Do you have any names? I have no pride left to lose.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 8:31 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Do you have any names? I have no pride left to lose.

Hmmm I recall one ad
I think the name was sunshine? Maybe another poster would know it try checking a Catskills directory. Sorry I can’t be of more help.
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amother
Candycane


 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 8:40 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Do you have any names? I have no pride left to lose.


I personally don’t think a high functioning asd kid belongs in a special needs daycamp. I have a hf sn kid myself and wouldn’t send him there, nothing to do with pride.
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 8:44 am
I was very happy with the diamond program as part of simcha day camp (in far rockaway). We are almost into the teen years and Bh the last year or two we have finally seen significant progress. It was years of Bcba, social skills therapy etc.. until we got too this point that bli ayin Hara, Bh he is doing well socially. Still making us crazy in other ways, but at least that
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amother
Crystal


 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 10:17 am
OP- I don’t have any good suggestions of other camps for you but I just want to send hugs. As a mother of a child who is struggling since we moved and has some social skills deficits we are working on, I feel for you and for your son. Your instinct is to protect your son and rightfully so! He is young and he likely doesn’t have the skills needed to protect himself. Please, please get him out of there. Kids can be so cruel and I fear that the damage being done is so great it will be incredibly difficult to undo. Please! Do it for your child and do it for you! My dc struggled in similar ways- he just wanted friends and he did not even understand that he was being bullied and made fun of. But I did….
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amother
Lilac


 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 10:23 am
amother [ Crystal ] wrote:
OP- I don’t have any good suggestions of other camps for you but I just want to send hugs. As a mother of a child who is struggling since we moved and has some social skills deficits we are working on, I feel for you and for your son. Your instinct is to protect your son and rightfully so! He is young and he likely doesn’t have the skills needed to protect himself. Please, please get him out of there. Kids can be so cruel and I fear that the damage being done is so great it will be incredibly difficult to undo. Please! Do it for your child and do it for you! My dc struggled in similar ways- he just wanted friends and he did not even understand that he was being bullied and made fun of. But I did….


This is so true
I also have a son with Asperger's
I call my son a bully target
It's so hard
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 10:36 am
amother [ Crystal ] wrote:
OP- I don’t have any good suggestions of other camps for you but I just want to send hugs. As a mother of a child who is struggling since we moved and has some social skills deficits we are working on, I feel for you and for your son. Your instinct is to protect your son and rightfully so! He is young and he likely doesn’t have the skills needed to protect himself. Please, please get him out of there. Kids can be so cruel and I fear that the damage being done is so great it will be incredibly difficult to undo. Please! Do it for your child and do it for you! My dc struggled in similar ways- he just wanted friends and he did not even understand that he was being bullied and made fun of. But I did….


Thanks for the validation. As someone who has been there done that what do you suggest I do if I pull him out of there? DH is convinced we will run into the same problem everywhere. I think he was fine in school and camp until now because the kids were probably too young to realize but by now they can tell that he is a little out of the box.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

And to all the other posters, I don't have energy to respond to each one individually right now but your kindness and support mean more than you will ever know. I feel a little less alone right now just knowing people are reading this.
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 10:53 am
My heart breaks for you dear sister.
We see you, and we know your pain.
Please, go home, do it for your precious child and for yourself.
A mother should not have to watch this when there really is no point in putting yourself through this.
Maybe go out for shabbos when you can be with the children, make a grand shabbos party. Do a Sunday messy craft with the kids....
This suffering does nothing for your child, yes when he is older, and will have the tools, then you can try to push him.

A mom of fabulous atypical kids
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amother
Crystal


 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 11:41 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks for the validation. As someone who has been there done that what do you suggest I do if I pull him out of there? DH is convinced we will run into the same problem everywhere. I think he was fine in school and camp until now because the kids were probably too young to realize but by now they can tell that he is a little out of the box.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

And to all the other posters, I don't have energy to respond to each one individually right now but your kindness and support mean more than you will ever know. I feel a little less alone right now just knowing people are reading this.


Your welcome! When things got really bad my son was 8 and we spent a fortune on sending him to a sweet social worker who tried to give him the tools. At this point he is older and after a difficult and miserable year in a new small school which we had such high hopes for, we did a Neuropsych evaluation. We are currently pursuing therapy with a therapist trained in the social thinking program. This is my first suggestion to you. It may not be the answer to all your struggles but I think it is a very good start. My son also was diagnosed with adhd and we are seeing now that his impulsivity really is affecting his ability to apply the skills he spent the last 5 years learning with various social workers (but not social thinking program with is geared, I believe, for spectrum kids). I’m sharing all this OP not to derail, but rather bec sometimes when you child is suffering it can be such a lonely and painful journey. I’ve been there and I still am. Please know that we are here to support you and validate you. Watching your child suffer is beyond awful. I wanted to beat up the kids who dared to hurt my (clueless he was being bullied) son.
Your focus now should probably be looking for a qualified therapist trained in Michelle Garcias program (social thinking) so he can gain the social skills he is missing.
More hugs dear OP. Your son is lucky he has such an awesome mommy who just wants to help him succeed!!!
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suremom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 11:49 am
What about having a shadow in daycamp? If such a situation could work out, it might be really beneficial. I found my kid made a ton of progress when we gave him a break for a month or so. He was free and could just be himself. I feel all the work done prior got integrated plus he went back to his intense schedule much more relaxed.
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amother
Blushpink


 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 11:58 am
I feel your pain! We are also in a situation that's similar, (not ASD). Except we are not in a bungalow colony. It's happening where we live and it's not so easy to say to just move. People and kids and teens are so cliquey. I feel like I can't take it anymore.
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amother
Peachpuff


 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 12:01 pm
suremom wrote:
What about having a shadow in daycamp? If such a situation could work out, it might be really beneficial. I found my kid made a ton of progress when we gave him a break for a month or so. He was free and could just be himself. I feel all the work done prior got integrated plus he went back to his intense schedule much more relaxed.

This may help. It's not really realistic to expect these young teens with no training to know how to deal with this. But it's also not fair to your son to force him into a situation with no support.
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amother
DarkYellow


 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 12:05 pm
Go to the camp director, not counselors, and discuss what is going on. There may be another kid his age, or a year older or younger, who could be paired with him, so he wouldn't be alone. The counselors also have to be told not to accept bullying.

When it happens at your home, tell the parents.

While you're doing this, see what you could do it you went home. You don't want to go from bad to worse. So try to salvage, but set up a backup if you can't.

I am so sorry this is happening to your child. I am davening for him and your family.
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suremom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 12:06 pm
amother [ Peachpuff ] wrote:
This may help. It's not really realistic to expect these young teens with no training to know how to deal with this. But it's also not fair to your son to force him into a situation with no support.

I didnt have a young teen. I would have a mature man with some experience. Yes, it was expensive but it worked out really well.
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amother
Peachpuff


 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 12:11 pm
suremom wrote:
I didnt have a young teen. I would have a mature man with some experience. Yes, it was expensive but it worked out really well.

Right. I meant, the teens running the camp. They aren't trained to deal with complicated bullying situations so it's not realistic to expect them to know how to deal with this situation. And not fair for op's son.
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 06 2021, 12:27 pm
I have a very similar child but he is older (10) and has made lots of progress baruch hashem. I second social thinking by Michelle Garcia Winner. It helped my son a lot. He also has gotten a lot of talk therapy and a year in a small class at a therapeutic school. The therapist would go to school during recess and watch how my son interacted with his peers and was able to find the weak spots. I found that he is not intuitive he needed social skills taught to him in a much more direct fashion. He was naturally motivated he just needed it taught to him in the right way.

At that age I had him in a day camp with a heavy adult presence. It was a low enrollment year for his age so there were 4 morahs for 20 boys. He is not a kid that would do well with teenager counselors. I also had to keep him out of shul groups until he was the age that had an adult leader. Boy camps are much better for this because most of them have rebbeim not teenagers. My friends with daughters find this much harder.

I made sure in his younger years to never put him in a situation that he could not manage. Be it shul, camp, family visits. If he did not have the tools to manage the situation we didnt participate. I saw it as not now. Now going to X place wont work but next year it might. So this year a bungalow colony may not work for you but it might next year. Its being realistic not running away.
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