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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
DD went from cat-killer to cat-rescuer



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amother
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Post Wed, Jul 07 2021, 12:44 am
I always resisted the idea that our DDS behavior was related to our shalom bayis or to how I was relating to her. I was convinced it was a problem in her makeup, someway or another the problem was in dd. All kinds of meds were tried, with limited success. And the side effects ! And dose increases! Cocktails! She killed our beloved cat when she was in 5th grade! . She almost killed our puppy a few months later. (Costed a fortune in vet fees) There was no shortage of doctors, psychiatrists, therapists who were willing to go along with the theory that the problem is in dd.

Until I stopped resisting. It was a long long road to get to that place of not resisting.

I started focusing on my own reactivity, on my inner child wounding, on my own issues.

The reason I resisted is because of the accusatory way in which it was presented to me. I had an instinctive defensive reaction to any finger-pointing at me.

Until one day I met a very understanding woman who normalized my reactivity, didn't make me feel bad about it. She shared her own failures as a mother (son who ended his life) and met me as an equal. After her son's act, she began to do the work of parenting from the inside out (with her other children).
She became an expert in inner child work and she helped me understand my reactivity, and extended so much kindness and compassion. We never talked about how to deal with dd. We only processed my own emotional states in relation to dd.

Gradually I began to relate differently with dd. And that's what ultimately led to her recovery. It's a completely different approach to parenting and not every parent is ready to make the change.

DD is 18 now and she graduated 12th grade a few weeks ago. She volunteers at an animal shelter and she rescues cats. She's gonna start college in the fall. She's not on any meds since 2 yrs ago.

I am sharing a sliver of my story in the hope that it helps someone. Take a chance, find someone kind and compassionate whom you can open up to, and let yourself work through your childhood pains. The unconscious stuff waits for our attention. And until we pay attention we unconsciously transmit it to our children.

Please don't use my post to blame yourself. Use it only as inspiration to do the work.
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