Nine days make me depressed.

amother

Sun, Jul 11 2021, 2:01 pm

I honestly detest the nine days and tisha bav. I know we’re supposed to reduce joy, but I end up just feeling depressed and anxious and confused that this is what Gd wants. Maybe it’s because I can’t handle sadness very well. I grew up with a depressed mother who committed suicide. Sadness must be avoided at all costs, that’s how I feel. Sadness itself makes me depressed and being told to be sad is not good for my mental health. So I take hot showers and I feel guilty. I can’t fast and I feel guilty. Honestly, the nine days ruin my relationship with Gd because I don’t understand how He would want me to be so unhappy.

amother

Magnolia

Sun, Jul 11 2021, 2:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don’t think that being sad nine days out of the year,which commmorate the loss of the beis hamikdash, is too much to ask. People should be sad, ppl should feel the loss. Who says we’re in this world for happiness, comfort, to have a picnic all the time? We are in talus and having all the problems specifically because we don’t have the beis hamikdash. There’s a time and place.

amother

Sun, Jul 11 2021, 2:18 pm

amother [ Magnolia ] wrote:

.

This isn’t about having picnics it’s about not being depressed.

thunderstorm

Sun, Jul 11 2021, 2:29 pm

OP, of course you are afraid to feel sadness. You interpreted depression as sadness when you were a child and the most horrible thing happened due to that depression.
I don’t think sadness and depression are the same feeling. Sadness can turn into depression if the sadness gets turned inward instead of allowing yourself to feel the sadness run through you. It seems like you are afraid of pain, which you then repress so you don’t feel the sadness. But too many repressed feelings are what lead to depression. I would think it’s better to reframe during the 9 days. Think of it as a commemoration for what happened during the churban. Feel the pain of losing your mother to suicide. That is your personal churban and a result of galus due to churban Bais hamikdash. Perhaps you will be able to feel the sadness in that.

PinkFridge

Sun, Jul 11 2021, 2:43 pm

I think it was Rabban Gamliel who lost his eyelashes from crying so hard over the churban; his tears were triggered from hearing the cries of a widow. It's all part of the same loss.
OP, by now you know what you need to do for your mental health and to healthily function. Maybe your avoda during the first 8 of the 9 days is to do the halacha faithfully. That's it. If you don't have the headspace to focus on the churban any more than you usually do during say, Shemone Esrei, when we ask for the return of the Shechina and the BHMK, and a removal of all the tzaar of galus THAT'S OKAY.

At some point during the 25 hours of Tisha B'Av, before chatzos, that's going to be the time to revisit all this. I think you'll be safe if one time during the year you go there. Go to that pain, and offer it to Hashem. Tell Him that you know what real pain and loss is, and that it's all part of this disconnect of galus. Ask him to direct some of those tears to the churban.

I once heard Rabbi Yitzchak Kirzner, zt"l, say that when we cry we should rub the tears in our face. I think it's a Breslov thing. I don't remember the tie in. But if you will cry, rub those tears in your face. Tell Hashem that this isn't a place you go to often but you're doing it for Him.

Plan your day. There is an amazing amount of content out there for Tisha B'Av. I've been inclined to feel a bit - skeptical's not the best word - but uneasy maybe about some of the programming that seems to focus on middos and what some might say are distractions. But particularly after chatzos they can be incredibly valuable. (And if you need it, before chatzos.) I've heard that Tisha B'Av is the beginning of the teshuva calendar. We let ourselves feel at rock bottom, as the consequences of bad decisions. Historical and yes, our own. Then we strategize. How are we going to get out of here? And that's teshuva. And there's no aveilus with teshuva. Not one day from Rosh Chodesh Elul through Succos. We're serious, focused, but we can be upbeat.

PinkFridge

Sun, Jul 11 2021, 2:46 pm

amother [ Magnolia ] wrote:

You're not wrong. The halachos are prescriptions for our souls. But sometimes - and you can look at hilchos nida as one example - people get more customized, compounded prescriptions. It's not OSFA, though if you crunch the numbers it might be OSFM. Those people whom it really doesn't fit should not feel lesser or disenfranchised for having to find different ways WITHIN HALACHA to make it work for them.

PinkFridge

Sun, Jul 11 2021, 2:46 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Not enough to like this post. (OP, it speaks to me. I hope it speaks to you too.)

amother

Gladiolus

Sun, Jul 11 2021, 2:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I've also struggled with this, especially when things were sad enough in my life!!
but then I turned it around for myself, and I came to the realization- the things that happened in MY personal life that were so so painful and sad? it was because of this. because we lost the Bais Hamikdash. because we are in Galus. Because there is Hester Panim.
so it's like the 9 days is a time for each person to personally reflect on the pain in their life to the extent that they can. if they can't- then at least the realization that all this- the painful history of a depressed mother, of suicide in the family etc etc. all comes from this source of Galus. even if you don't dwell on it a long time- a fleeting thought.

amother

Wine

Sun, Jul 11 2021, 4:14 pm

amother [ Magnolia ] wrote:

She just said her mother died by suicide, she knows life isn’t about “happiness comfort and having a picnic all the time”
children of suicides are much more likely to attempt it themselves. I see this as more of a safety issue

amother

Sun, Jul 11 2021, 6:58 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

Just to be clear I bH bli ayin hara do not have suicidal issues. It’s mainly bad anxiety that can make me feel depressed. Appreciate the concern though and I felt that the previous comment was kind of uncaring.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Jul 11 2021, 7:14 pm

As someone who grew up Chabad, I can tell you that not everyone has the belief that you are supposed to feel sad during this time. I was taught that we are always supposed to serve Hashem with joy. Even in the three weeks and the nine days. The phrase “m’maatim besimcha” - “we decrease in joy” we were taught was to be interpreted “we decrease, but with joy”. Yes this is a time when halachically we are required to decrease in certain activities that would be more appropriate for happier times. But we are not required to be joyless. In fact, we never should be completely devoid of joy. A mourner is required to observe many practices of mourning, but there is no requirement for how one is to FEEL. It’s ok to want to feel happy - even if there’s a void and even if it’s a more somber time. It’s a good thing not a bad thing that you want this.

amother

Wine

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:08 pm

dankbar wrote:

Think of the sadness of what Hashem must be feeling-tzar haschinah in the golus.

I once really felt that- when I was נע ונעד with my family, how Hashem must feel without his home.

I really don’t connect with this, He can rebuild it, I see so many people doing their best to be holy and do the right things during excruciating challenges