I hate my parenting

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 8:41 am

I am turning into my horrible abusive mother.
My kids are 7, 4, and 1. 7&4 yo woke me up along with the baby this morning at 6 am by fighting with each other.
They continued fighting all morning. one of them locked me out of the baby’s room when I am on a tight schedule and needed to dress the baby. I yelled and yelled all morning. When I locked my door I so I could get dressed in peace (with the baby) they took a key and wrote all over the wall. I took away a toy from each of them for 1 week. They made trouble in response to that, so I yelled and made them go in a timeout and one of them made more trouble so I literally picked him up by his arms very tightly and put him on the couch, while grunting through my teeth that he better stop. He looked scared.
I know my behaviors is inexcusable but I can’t stop myself. Please help me figure out healthy responses. Please.

I can’t go to therapy. I have no freakin time in my life right now. I am so scared and frightened of who I have become. Please please help me.
I have all the books but I can’t help it, when the kids fight with each other and when they get into troublesome behavior I just lose myself. Please

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 8:47 am

I'm not an expert, but my guess is that they are jealous of the baby, and that destroying the house is their best way of getting your attention.

I would start assigning "jobs" for them to do, so they can feel helpful and accomplished. Give them lots of praise for bringing you the wipes, or sweeping the floor, or folding bath towels.

The next time they fight, say "Oh no, you must be so bored! Let's see if I have some jobs for you to do."

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 8:53 am

Hi OP. First of all, it’s great that you are looking to change. So you’re already a great mom because of that. And I believe you can change. The first thing I want to ask, is there any way to make your life calmer in other areas? You say you have no time - as most people with three young children don’t - but is there anything you can cut down on that can give you more time for yourself and help you feel calmer? I’m possibly much older than you as I have teens already, but in my wise old age 😉 I’ve learned what to prioritize, and it has helped me immensely.

imasinger

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 8:59 am

I highly recommend the Nurtured Heart Approach.

But right now, it sounds like you need practical help before beginning a new approach.

Can you describe what has to happen in the morning? Is there anything that could be prepped ahead of time?

peanut1

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:00 am

Could they be hungry? Maybe have a prepared healthy muffin in the morning that they can take on their own when they wake up.
I find kids are monsters when hungry.

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:01 am

imasinger wrote:

I have that book. But all my good intentions flew out the window this morning.

I prepped everything last night. All that had to be done was everyone eat breakfast and get dressed. (Myself included.)

Zehava

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:01 am

You don’t need a parenting method at the moment you need a way to self-regulate. If therapy isn’t the answer then you need to find another way.

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:02 am

peanut1 wrote:

Could they be hungry? Maybe have a prepared healthy muffin in the morning that they can take on their own when they wake up.
I find kids are monsters when hungry.

This happened after breakfast as well.

I’m crying right now. My husband is no better than I am. Poor kids. They have no one healthy in their lives.

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:02 am

Zehava wrote:

You don’t need a parenting method at the moment you need a way to self-regulate. If therapy isn’t the answer then you need to find another way.

What can be another way? How can I learn how to do that?

Zehava

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:22 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What can be another way? How can I learn how to do that?

The ideal way would be to learn your triggers and how to work through them.
But as a short term fix there might be breathing excercises, visualizations, and other sort of soothing methods you can try.

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:26 am

Zehava wrote:

Can I learn my triggers and work through them on my own?
Is it better if I do CBT? Can a group work as well as one on one? I’d rather save my relationship with my kids and I’ll force some time for therapy if it’s really the only way.

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:30 am

The book that helped me most - even on my really hard days that aren’t anywhere near perfect - still helped me

Are Your Hands Full - Dr. Sora Yaroslawitz

You need volume 1 for the ages you have.

It changed my whole mom game.

thunderstorm

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:33 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What can be another way? How can I learn how to do that?

Here’s an article I cut and pasted, with some tips to help you learn to regulate your emotions.
How to Become the Boss of Your Emotions

Medically reviewed by Jennifer Litner, LMFT, CST — Written by Crystal Raypole on April 28, 2020

The ability to experience and express emotions is more important than you might realize.
As the felt response to a given situation, emotions play a key part in your reactions. When you’re in tune with them, you have access to important knowledge that helps with:
* decision-making
* relationship success
* day-to-day interactions
* self-care
While emotions can have a helpful role in your daily life, they can take a toll on your emotional health and interpersonal relationships when they start to feel out of control.
Vicki Botnick, a therapist in Tarzana, California, explains that any emotion — even elation, joy, or others you’d typically view as positive — can intensify to a point where it becomes difficult to control.
With a little practice, though, you can take back the reigns. Two studies from 2010
Trusted Source
suggest that having good emotional regulation skills is linked to well-being. Plus, the second one found a potential link between these skills and financial success, so putting in some work on that front may literally pay off.
Here are some pointers to get you started.

1. Take a look at the impact of your emotions
Intense emotions aren’t all bad.
“Emotions make our lives exciting, unique, and vibrant,” Botnick says. “Strong feelings can signify that we embrace life fully, that we’re not repressing our natural reactions.”
It’s perfectly normal to experience some emotional overwhelm on occasion— when something wonderful happens, when something terrible happens, when you feel like you’ve missed out.
So, how do you know when there’s a problem?
Emotions that regularly get out of hand might lead to:
* relationship or friendship conflict
* difficulty relating to others
* trouble at work or school
* an urge to use substances to help manage your emotions
* physical or emotional outbursts
Find some time to take stock of just how your uncontrolled emotions are affecting your day-to-day life. This will make it easier to identify problem areas (and track your success).

2. Aim for regulation, not repression
You can’t control your emotions with a dial (if only it were that easy!). But imagine, for a moment, that you could manage emotions this way.
You wouldn’t want to leave them running at maximum all the time. You also wouldn’t want to switch them off entirely, either.
When you suppress or repress emotions, you’re preventing yourself from experiencing and expressing feelings. This can happen consciously (suppression) or unconsciously (repression).
Either can contribute to mental and physical health symptoms, including:
* anxiety
* depression
* sleep issues
* muscle tension and pain
* difficulty managing stress
* substance misuse
When learning to exercise control over emotions, make sure you aren’t just sweeping them under the rug. Healthy emotional expression involves finding some balance between overwhelming emotions and no emotions at all.

3. Identify what you’re feeling
Taking a moment to check in with yourself about your mood can help you begin gaining back control.
Say you’ve been seeing someone for a few months. You tried planning a date last week, but they said they didn’t have time. Yesterday, you texted again, saying, “I’d like to see you soon. Can you meet this week?”
They finally reply, more than a day later: “Can’t. Busy.”
You’re suddenly extremely upset. Without stopping to think, you hurl your phone across the room, knock over your wastebasket, and kick your desk, stubbing your toe.
Interrupt yourself by asking:
* What am I feeling right now? (disappointed, confused, furious)
* What happened to make me feel this way? (They brushed me off with no explanation.)
* Does the situation have a different explanation that might make sense? (Maybe they’re stressed, sick, or dealing with something else they don’t feel comfortable explaining. They might plan to explain more when they can.)
* What do I want to do about these feelings? (Scream, vent my frustration by throwing things, text back something rude.)
* Is there a better way of coping with them? (Ask if everything’s OK. Ask when they’re free next. Go for a walk or run.)
By considering possible alternatives, you’re reframing your thoughts, which can help you modify your first extreme reaction.
It can take some time before this response becomes a habit. With practice, going through these steps in your head will become easier (and more effective).
4. Accept your emotions — all of them
If you’re trying to get better at managing emotions, you might try downplaying your feelings to yourself.
When you hyperventilate after receiving good news or collapse on the floor screaming and sobbing when you can’t find your keys, it might seem helpful to tell yourself, “Just calm down,” or “It’s not that big of a deal, so don’t freak out.”
But this invalidates your experience. It is a big deal to you.
Accepting emotions as they come helps you get more comfortable with them. Increasing your comfort around intense emotions allows you to fully feel them without reacting in extreme, unhelpful ways.
To practice accepting emotions, try thinking of them as messengers. They’re not “good” or “bad.” They’re neutral. Maybe they bring up unpleasant feelings sometimes, but they’re still giving you important information that you can use.
For example, try:
* “I’m upset because I keep losing my keys, which makes me late. I should put a dish on the shelf by the door so I remember to leave them in the same place.”
Accepting emotions may lead to
Trusted Source
greater life satisfaction and fewer mental health symptoms. What’s more, people thinking of their emotions as helpful may lead to
Trusted Source
higher levels of happiness.

5. Keep a mood journal
Writing down (or typing up) your feelings and the responses they trigger can help you uncover any disruptive patterns.
Sometimes, it’s enough to mentally trace emotions back through your thoughts. Putting feelings onto paper can allow you to reflect on them more deeply.
It also helps you recognize when specific circumstances, like trouble at work or family conflict, contribute to harder-to-control emotions. Identifying specific triggers makes it possible to come up with ways to manage them more productively.
Journaling provides the most benefit when you do it daily. Keep your journal with you and jot down intense emotions or feelings as they happen. Try to note the triggers and your reaction. If your reaction didn’t help, use your journal to explore more helpful possibilities for the future.

6. Take a deep breath
There’s much to be said for the power of a deep breath, whether you’re ridiculously happy or so angry you can’t speak.
Slowing down and paying attention to your breath won’t make the emotions go away (and remember, that’s not the goal).
Still, deep breathing exercises can help you ground yourself and take a step back from the first intense flash of emotion and any extreme reaction you want to avoid.
The next time you feel emotions starting to take control:
* Breathe in slowly. Deep breaths come from the diaphragm, not the chest. It may help to visualize your breath rising from deep in your belly.
* Hold it. Hold your breath for a count of three, then let it out slowly.
* Consider a mantra. Some people find it helpful to repeat a mantra, like “I am calm” or “I am relaxed.”

7. Know when to express yourself
There’s a time and place for everything, including intense emotions. Sobbing uncontrollably is a pretty common response to losing a loved one, for example. Screaming into your pillow, even punching it, might help you relieve some anger and tension after being dumped.
Other situations, however, call for some restraint. No matter how frustrated you are, screaming at your boss over an unfair disciplinary action won’t help.
Being mindful of your surroundings and the situation can help you learn when it’s OK to let feelings out and when you might want to sit with them for the moment.

8. Give yourself some space
Getting some distance from intense feelings can help you make sure you’re reacting to them in reasonable ways, according to Botnick.
This distance might be physical, like leaving an upsetting situation, for example. But you can also create some mental distance by distracting yourself.
While you don’t want to block or avoid feelings entirely, it’s not harmful to distract yourself until you’re in a better place to deal with them. Just make sure you do come back to them. Healthy distractions are only temporary.
Try:
* taking a walk
* watching a funny video
* talking to a loved one
* spending a few minutes with your pet

9. Try meditation
If you practice meditation already, it might be one of your go-to methods for coping with extreme feelings.
Meditation can help you increase your awareness of all feelings and experiences. When you meditate, you’re teaching yourself to sit with those feelings, to notice them without judging yourself or attempting to change them or make them go away.
As mentioned above, learning to accept all of your emotions can make emotional regulation easier. Meditation helps you increase those acceptance skills. It also offers other benefits, like helping you relax and get better sleep.
Our guide to different kinds of meditation can help you get started.

10. Stay on top of stress
When you’re under a lot of stress, managing your emotions can become more difficult. Even people who generally can control their emotions well might find it harder in times of high tension and stress.
Reducing stress, or finding more helpful ways to manage it, can help your emotions become more manageable.
Mindfulness practices like meditation can help with stress, too. They won’t get rid of it, but they can make it easier to live with.
Other healthy ways to cope with stress include:
* getting enough sleep
* making time to talk (and laugh) with friends
* exercise
* spending time in nature
* making time for relaxation and hobbies
11. Talk to a therapist
If your emotions continue to feel overwhelming, it may be time to seek professional support.

amother

Banana

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:41 am

Hugs op.
Its hard. As others say. Right now its about regulating your emotions.
Aha parenting - laura Markham-helped me alot. There’s specific articles about after you've lost it.
Also. Dropping the guilt and living literally one moment at a time. Rinse and repeat. Keep restarting. With compassion on self and kids. If you don’t have compassion on yourself you wont have it for your kids. You’re anger at self will spill over.
So you did the best with the tools you have. You are learning new tools now. And if you make a mistake will try again. Next moment
And knowing and underStanding that in repairing relationships theres a lot of room for deep connection.

amother

Ivory

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:42 am

https://www.amazon.com/Transfo.....psc=1
This little workbook has really good worksheets on helping you identify and work through triggers. (Identifying the living legacy of trauma by Janina fisher)

There are nice dbt workbooks that can be helpful as well

Having said that: I found it very hard to work through regulation and triggers by myself and I’m currently in therapy

amother

Ivory

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:45 am

Want to add that I did a one on one session with a parenting coach (blimyheller) and she gave me great tips and ideas for regulating myself (I took her course too but felt that I wanted specific tips for a specific circumstance)

amother

Ivory

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:47 am

I just want to send you a virtual hug OP-
My weekend was very hard and I was horrid and feel down - especially since I’m putting so much work into this area and felt myself slip yet again

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:51 am

amother [ Banana ] wrote:

I have that book too. The problem is I’m semi ok when it’s not a triggering situation. Ie I do well with tantrums (keep my cool and sympathize), I try not to be judge mental and just accept their feelings, I try to add some playful parenting though it’s really hard work because I have a boring personality, and I try to comment and notice when they do things right etc. but then these triggering things happen and I feel like I just lose myself, lose all progress I gained and I feel lost. I feel so angry. I don’t have any idea what to do.

Zehava

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:01 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I can’t answer that for you. I did it on my own but not everyone can. CBT doesn’t address the triggers it only works on your thoughts in the moment.

amother

Banana

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:06 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I relate a lot to what you are saying.
Knowing what to do and not doing it in the moment.
CBT is definitely not the answer. Reflexive reactions is a sign of trauma and sensory somatic work is essential.
Meanwhile practice compassion and surrender.

When the body and lymbic system take over nothing intellectual will help. Just understanding the lymbic system is in control is a step and remove yourself.
Compassion compassion compassion -its the only answer