I hate my parenting

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 7:09 am

amother [ Banana ] wrote:

I relate a lot to what you are saying.
Knowing what to do and not doing it in the moment.
CBT is definitely not the answer. Reflexive reactions is a sign of trauma and sensory somatic work is essential.
Meanwhile practice compassion and surrender.

When the body and lymbic system take over nothing intellectual will help. Just understanding the lymbic system is in control is a step and remove yourself.
Compassion compassion compassion -its the only answer

Practically how do I do that? What does compassion mean? I can’t have compassion on the woman who is yelling at my precious children.

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 7:13 am

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

I get you op. It can be so hard with little kids. For myself I find that just having some time to myself during the day really helps me stay calm when things get crazy. Taking deep breaths, letting things slide and just trying to engage the kids and keep them busy.
I didn’t try myself but it looks amazing is the thrilled mama mastery program . Hudi Gugengeimer has an account on Instagram and talks about it

I tried a class already. I have all the books. I can’t. I just can’t.

I have some quiet time at night. I still lost it this morning. .

amother

Banana

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 7:21 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Practically how do I do that? What does compassion mean? I can’t have compassion on the woman who is yelling at my precious children.

Its a battle. But its the only answer. Use the principles of IFS. Part of you lost it. You are essentially good and want to do whats best.
I basically learned from years of self hate and cycles of this, that guilt and self hate wasn’t making things better for my choldren or anyone else. So while what you are saying is true,focusing on that didnt help my children. So put it aside and focus on developing compassion for the part of me that looses it There must be a reason. What do I need?

Unless I can soften my heart to myself, my heart wont be soft to my children.
A soft compassionate heart will spill over to all. As long as we are in a state of guilt and uptightness and self-hate our children don’t gain.
A work in progress.
You yourself say you know a lot. Read all the books. … it helps . But when you’re lymbic system takes over self regulation is essential and compassion.
Self hate. Never helped my kids.
Being in a place of acceptance and compassion does.
Breathing exercises. Grounding exercises. Softening exercises are vital. Connection too.

amother

Peach

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 7:22 am

I felt totally out of control and like the biggest failure in the world
Now my kids are much older but all I can say is:
Get Help for yourself AND your kids
Physical help and emotional, mental help
No matter how busy you are these days it's so important to do this
Accept any help from others you can get
And don't be concerned of others judging you
Do whatever you can and need to for your family's mental health
It's alot simpler to do it now when they're young
I don't know you but your post brought back vivid memories of me losing control and feeling like a failure(which I still do sometimes)
No shame for trying to help your family!!!!
Learn from my mistakes
And if you need someone who's btdt to talk to I'll give you an email to contact me

womanwithaplan

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 7:39 am

amother [ Banana ] wrote:

What you wrote really strikes a chord in me. You seem very knowledgeable on this topic.

I'm looking to find the right therapy for a child that has a hard time self regulating and resorts to rage and other destructive behavior.
It makes sense to me that its the lymbic system taking over.
Could you point me in the right direction how to help this child? I do get triggered from this specific child, and am trying to figure what type of therapy would be best for both of us (somatic or otherwise).

Dont want to derail this thread, could you pls PM me? Thanks!

shaqued_almond

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 8:12 am

I'd recommend the book "setting limits with your strong willed child." It's all about the right consequences. Obviously the toys didn't work out. The consequences need to be directly related to the deed. I.e. if they don't get dressed put them a timer and if they aren't fully dressed when it goes off put their clothes into a bag, give it to them and start heading out the door.

What would the consequence in your case be? Maybe if they can't behave before you get up you need to tell them that you will need to lock their door until a certain hour. Anyway it's important that it's something you will actually do.

Also, please don't beat yourself up about what happened. Some kids test more than others, it's just in their nature. If you want you can apologize for the outburst and ask the older kids what can be done in the future to prevent it. You're not a bad mother. Parenting is not an easy job. Separate them from each other if necessary. Take a mommy time out when they get you upset.

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:03 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Can I learn my triggers and work through them on my own?
Is it better if I do CBT? Can a group work as well as one on one? I’d rather save my relationship with my kids and I’ll force some time for therapy if it’s really the only way.

Yes, then force the time for therapy. Your relationship with them is the most important thing in the world really. When you learn to be at peace with yourself, you will be a calmer mother.

amother

Blonde

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:10 am

Okay, OP. What about this morning was triggering for you? I assume that not every time they act out when you get dressed, you flip out. What was different about this morning? What were the sensations in your body, what were you thinking and feeling? Was it the sound of the key on the wall? That they took your key? That they wrote on the wall? That you weren't "allowed" to get dressed? That you went to sleep too late last night?

If you can identify what triggered you today you can start to work through it.

amother

Camellia

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:12 am

I’m more concerned that you think a moment of weakness or a bad day is a reason to want to stop living. It’s ok you are human. As much as people on here like to pretend they are all perfect, humans are not perfect. That’s why I say it’s so dangerous to have all these self righteous posts with people pretending to be perfect 100% of the time. Your kids will be ok. They will get the message that you try hard and want to always be perfect. It’s parents that don’t care or that think flawed ways are good enough that scar their kids.

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:52 am

amother [ Camellia ] wrote:

I will edit my title. I was feeling so lost and helpless and worthless when I wrote this. It’s not how I truly feel.

amother

Blush

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:57 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What can be another way? How can I learn how to do that?

just wanted to say- yes, you can learn parenting techniques etc., but what you focus on increases. telling yourself your a horrible, abusive mother isn't going to help anybody.
find the things you are doing RIGHT for your kids. reading your post I can list a few
1) doesn't sound like you smacked anybody, even though your wall was keyed up!! that's amazing self-control
2) you sound really organized- everything ready and packed the night before

and I'm SURE the whole day is not like this. yes, you had a hard morning. and you can think- I would love to learn how to deal with my childrens' fights better in the morning- but to think- I am abusive?! NO!! please don't think this.

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 9:59 am

Here’s part of what scares me.
I dislike my mother. I have no relationship with her. I can’t stand being near her. She was controlling and yelled and hit and never hugged or kissed or played games or gave me any emotional support or helped me with (lack of) friends , she only pressured me with homework and tests and tznius etc.
I’m scared I am turning into her and my kids won’t want a relationship with me.
But the truth is while I need to stop asap I am probably not as bad because I do support my kids emotionally, buy them special treats, play games occasionally, say jokes, hug them, talk and listen to them, and try to support them with their problems in a validating non judge mental way. I don’t force them to do homework or eat specific foods etc.
it’s not as much of a controlling household as mine was. And I don’t hate my husband, I love him- my mother hates and always hated my father.
So is there hope?

amother

Forsythia

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:34 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ofcourse there is hope ! As long as we are here & as long as we are parenting our kids…. tomm is another day.
I never understand all these self righteous posts… and all this parenting advice on this site
As long as you try your best and be there for your kids, you yelling @ loosing your sh*t every so often is perfectly ok in my book
As long as your kids in general feel your love . As long as you try to recognize what situations , what specific kid pushes your buttons and keep trying to resolve and improve the overall situation in your home …. You & them will be just fine
Kids push our buttons . Some very difficult kids push our buttons more . Those kids & situations need an out of the box solutions .
That’s all .

amother

PlumPink

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 11:18 am

OP, I get it.
Just reading your post makes me feel that helpless/out of control feeling.

That is a trigger for me - powerlessness - when I feel like there’s nothing I can do to get them to listen.

I just want to comment -
I did CBT and that did help me with not getting triggered as much. (Not with that specific trigger but in general)
So I wouldn’t automatically say - no cbt

Also, Becky kennedy has some stuff about the limbic system and parenting from upper brain. It could worth looking into.

It’s not hopeless! I hope things get easier.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:01 pm

Hi OP!

First of all, we've all had those days. The important thing is that you notice it, you're aware of it. So close the door on this day, and you're going to decide that tomorrow is going to be a better day. And you can do it! You can make tomorrow awesome! Forget about today.

And you're clearly on your way to being a different kind of mom to your own kids. That's great! Here are some helpful tips:

1) Kids shouldn't have locks on their doors. When they become a bit older, closer to their teen years, that's when they can get a lock. Until then, of course, we always give them their privacy and knock before entering, etc. I myself rarely, if ever, lock my door.

2) Sometimes you can prep your kids for the morning as well. When I put my kids to sleep, and I want the morning to go a certain way, I lay down with them and we mentally go over what we need to do in the morning. I tell them what steps they have to take when they wake up, and I tell them my plans as well. That way, there's no surprises. Your seven year old should understand that you have a tight schedule in the morning.

I love lying down with my kids. I love talking about the day went, and how we want tomorrow to go. And you can be honest with them - sometimes I even tell them how upset I was that something didn't go as planned. I'll tell my six year old that I was upset that I yelled, and I don't want to yell anymore, and I want to do better tomorrow. I think it's a good way to rehash things, show children how to forgive, and how to strategize to be a better person tomorrow.

That's what's meant by forgiving. You're showing them how to forgive you, and you're forgiving yourself, and it doesn't mean you're excusing the behavior. It means your struggling to find a better way forward.

3) Charts! I love charts. For all the times the kids behave in the morning, we're always working towards something. Mostly, it's screen time, but now that we don't allow it for the three weeks, we're working for a huge building puzzle my kids saw in a shop. Even your four year old can see that if she doesn't fight, she can get a star on her chart.

4) When it gets too much, give up. If you see things are spiralling out of control, and your kids are not acting the way you want, text your husband that he needs to take over. Ask for help. And if he's not available, and no one else is, hide in the closet for a few minutes. And if you're late, so what? Everyone is late these days. I blame everything on Covid, lol. It still works.