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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:13 am
Hello,

I'm looking to hear from someone who has a more loving gentle chinuch approach.

We were not comfortable with my 8 year old daughter going around the neighborhood collecting for Chai Lifeline. Mostly because all the kids in the neighborhood have been doing it and we didn't like idea of hounding more neighbors for money.

We told her very clearly that we don't allow her to go collecting.

She left the house, told my older daughter that we allow her to go collecting and walked around the block collecting money. She came home with $50.

Am I supposed to let her get a prize with this money that she knew she wasn't allowed to go collect for?

Thank you!
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amother




Daphne
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:20 am
I wouldn't. She should send the money in but should not get a prize for it since you told her not to to.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:22 am
What you did wasn’t very gentle parenting to begin with so now you’re looking for damage control
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champion




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:25 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Hello,

I'm looking to hear from someone who has a more loving gentle chinuch approach.

We were not comfortable with my 8 year old daughter going around the neighborhood collecting for Chai Lifeline. Mostly because all the kids in the neighborhood have been doing it and we didn't like idea of hounding more neighbors for money.

We told her very clearly that we don't allow her to go collecting.

She left the house, told my older daughter that we allow her to go collecting and walked around the block collecting money. She came home with $50.

Am I supposed to let her get a prize with this money that she knew she wasn't allowed to go collect for?

Thank you!


No idea if I am a gentle parent or not. But I would not forbid my kid to do something her school is endorsing and giving prizes for and all her peers are involved in. Its just a recipe for disaster. You can point out why you don't like it without actually not allowing it and leave it to her judgement. Or you can find a different way for her to get the money.
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amother




Plum
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:28 am
She went against you, but was engaging in a mitzvah not in a bad thing. Don't punish her for doing a good deed. You will kill her association with tzedaka.
This reminds about my son who was thrown out of yeshiva for helping Chaya lifeline, which he wanted to help them, being that we benefited from their org.
Another episode, right after bar mitzvah, their rebbe punished with sitting with teffilin on free time, because of not talking with tefilin, so kid should feel punished.
What ended up happening, instead of instilling chashivus of not talking while wearing tefiliin, it did opposite.
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dankbar




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:31 am
You said the reason you didn't want her to go was not to hound on people, people wouldn't want to give again. She did get some money, so that concern is not valid anymore.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:34 am
Not to play the blame game but my husband is the one that didn't allow her to go.

Yes, now I'm trying to do some damage control.
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amother




Denim
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:34 am
That sounds aggravating.

I dont have an 8 yr old, and I am not an expert on positive (or any) parenting, just from my understanding of the approach, my (slightly messy) thoughts are as follows.

Did you have a discussion about what your concerns were?
It sounds like the collecting was very important to her. A few possible reasons could be the feeling of independence of going collecting from neighbors, a strong feeling of wanting to help people, a feeling of being stiffled from not being allowed to collect. Excitement for the prizes...

I think next steps should be a discussion, where you hear her motivation and validate her feelings. Next you can explain your reasoning for not wanting her to collect, and come up with a solution together.
Maybe she can return the money to the neighbors if you feel it that important?
Maybe she can work toward the prize she wants a different way?

Also probably important for yourself to examine your motives.
You mention not wanting her to get a prize for the money she collected because you didn't allow it - what is your motivation, and what lesson are you hoping she take from that?
Is there another way you could have laid out the boundary that may have been easier for her to uphold?
Also as to your concerns - after the fact, are they still an object of concern? (You didn't want to hound the neighbors for money, being that they already donated, do you think they minded, and would appreciate the money returned?)
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:35 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Not to play the blame game but my husband is the one that didn't allow her to go.

Yes, now I'm trying to do some damage control.

Then he should be doing the damage control
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:35 am
It's not that people wouldn't give, but that we didn't want to be the bother.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:37 am
Zehava wrote:
Then he should be doing the damage control


Ok so that's what I'm asking for advice on. Advice for him.
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tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:37 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Hello,

I'm looking to hear from someone who has a more loving gentle chinuch approach.

We were not comfortable with my 8 year old daughter going around the neighborhood collecting for Chai Lifeline. Mostly because all the kids in the neighborhood have been doing it and we didn't like idea of hounding more neighbors for money.

We told her very clearly that we don't allow her to go collecting.

She left the house, told my older daughter that we allow her to go collecting and walked around the block collecting money. She came home with $50.

Am I supposed to let her get a prize with this money that she knew she wasn't allowed to go collect for?

Thank you!

Sometimes our kids beat us and we have to take a step back and realize that perhaps we erred in judgment.
I would praise her fundraising capabilities and her eagerness to do a mitzva.
Then bring up the fact that she went against your decision not to allow collecting, and ask her what she and you can do about that. Let her come up with ideas and solutions. You'd be surprised what kind of satisfactory solutions kids can come up with.

(I don't allow my children to collect either, instead we just give them money to bring in.)
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amother




Moccasin
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:37 am
Not from this one incident, but as she's approach it pre-teen, you might think about "winning the battle" but then overall "losing the war".
Only you can answer your question because noone answering here knows you, your husband, or your daughter (who sounds bright and precocious; too much passivity or obedience in a child isn't good either).

Maybe go to a wise mentor -

I personally would take this as an opportunity to let my child know how much I'm on their side; I'd probably let them use the money for the prize, & sieze the closeness between us (when they feel my compassion by not flipping out about it) & have a simple, in rapport talk about how it's good middot for a child to listen to their parents or whatever.

Finally I'd be careful to not be too strict. Everyone gets flooded by the collecting, I'd rather not worry about the neighbors getting one more collecting visit, &I'd be more interested in supporting my child in her chesed project (even if hyped up with prizes) & making a nice deal about her enthusiasm to help a good organization
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SafeAtLast




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:38 am
How did you find out about it?

As a parent you don't have to "see" everything.
For the future you can go about it differently.

I don't believe in children going around for safety reasons.
It has unfortunately happened that predators have promised large sums to little children, if they "come into the house."

When my son goes for tzedaka, either me and my husband go with him, or we let him call up aunts and uncles to pledge over the phone.

If I would scold a child over going around without permission, it would be with a safety message.
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amother




Daphne
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:38 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It's not that people wouldn't give, but that we didn't want to be the bother.


I do understand. They might give and surely they don't want it back, but they might still be annoyed that kids keep coming collecting.
Kids are usually motivated by the prizes.
If she was told not to go, it was wrong to go. I don't think she should get the prize.
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amother




Daphne
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:40 am
amother [ Moccasin ] wrote:
Not from this one incident, but as she's approach it pre-teen, you might think about "winning the battle" but then overall "losing the war".


The kid is 8, cmon.
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SafeAtLast




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:40 am
Next time you can tell her she can earn the prize by doing work at home, but she can't go around collecting for it.
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:41 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ok so that's what I'm asking for advice on. Advice for him.
Did he ask you to get advice for him? Genuinely curious. Or, did you decide that you will get the advice for him. Two different things.

I probably would have her send the money in but not allow her to get the prize. She did something that she wasn't allowed to do. Otoh, I would give her an opportunity in the near future to earn that exact prize that she would've gotten from collecting for Chai Lifeline.

Bhatzlocha


Last edited by ShishKabob on Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:43 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:42 am
amother [ Denim ] wrote:
That sounds aggravating.

I dont have an 8 yr old, and I am not an expert on positive (or any) parenting, just from my understanding of the approach, my (slightly messy) thoughts are as follows.

Did you have a discussion about what your concerns were?
It sounds like the collecting was very important to her. A few possible reasons could be the feeling of independence of going collecting from neighbors, a strong feeling of wanting to help people, a feeling of being stiffled from not being allowed to collect. Excitement for the prizes...

I think next steps should be a discussion, where you hear her motivation and validate her feelings. Next you can explain your reasoning for not wanting her to collect, and come up with a solution together.
Maybe she can return the money to the neighbors if you feel it that important?
Maybe she can work toward the prize she wants a different way?

Also probably important for yourself to examine your motives.
You mention not wanting her to get a prize for the money she collected because you didn't allow it - what is your motivation, and what lesson are you hoping she take from that?
Is there another way you could have laid out the boundary that may have been easier for her to uphold?
Also as to your concerns - after the fact, are they still an object of concern? (You didn't want to hound the neighbors for money, being that they already donated, do you think they minded, and would appreciate the money returned?)


I don't think it was discussed enough before hand. My husband just made it clear that he doesn't let.

The motivation for collecting is def about getting a prize.

I just feel that if we allow her to claim a prize with the money we're letting her know it's ok that she ignored what her father said but I'm not really ok with giving her that message
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amother




Copper
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:45 am
OP, because she didn't listen to her parents, I wouldn't allow her to claim the prize.
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