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Gentle parenting - wwyd
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:45 am
ShishKabob wrote:
Did he ask you to get advice for him? Genuinely curious. Or, did you decide that you will get the advice for him. Two different things.

I probably would have her send the money in but not allow her to get the prize. She did something that she wasn't allowed to do. Otoh, I would give her an opportunity in the near future to earn that exact prize that she would've gotten from collecting for Chai Lifeline.

Bhatzlocha


We sat down this morning to try to figure out what to do. He was leaning towards letting her claim a prize because we don't want to go down a negative path with DD. He thought maybe getting a prize for the family and not just for her ...
I didn't think that was the right thing to do.
So we're still in the middle of figuring it out, which is why I'm turning here to get some guidance.
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amother




Moccasin
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:46 am
If it was your husband's instruction, it's then having a shalom bayis component. This site can offer udeas but in your shoes I'd go to a wise mentor/rabbi/Rebbetzin. I'm not saying your not doing this, but - while kids can see normal disagreement - it's important first & foremost for parents to support & give respect/unity for each other's parenting.
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small bean




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:47 am
I would tell her I'm disappointed you didn't listen and in the future we should talk things out instead of going behind my back. I would talk to her about why and I would really hear her out. And I would let her get the prize.

I usually just give the $50-$100 and they get the prize. I don't think what you asked was fair of her. It becomes a social thing.
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amother




Springgreen
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:49 am
SafeAtLast wrote:
Next time you can tell her she can earn the prize by doing work at home, but she can't go around collecting for it.


Op, we had the same issue. My husband did not allow my dd5 to go around collecting for the same reason as yours.

I think she just went around along with friends for fun but did not collect for herself.

I told her she will get more money by calling my parents and siblings. and that's what she did.
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amother




Moccasin
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:50 am
small bean wrote:
I would tell her I'm disappointed you didn't listen and in the future we should talk things out instead of going behind my back. I would talk to her about why and I would really hear her out. And I would let her get the prize.

I usually just give the $50-$100 and they get the prize. I don't think what you asked was fair of her. It becomes a social thing.


I echo this.
In our generation,
Relationship comes before chinuch.
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amother




Moccasin
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:51 am
amother [ Moccasin ] wrote:
I echo this.
In our generation, (Not to oversimplify, but in many ways)
Relationship comes before chinuch.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 10:56 am
amother [ Moccasin ] wrote:
I echo this.
In our generation,
Relationship comes before chinuch.


I guess this is what I was trying to hear - if that is really ok. Because I do think we need to build the relationship and I'd rather put the emphasis there but I don't want to trample on our chinuch either.

And for those who are concerned, we do have excellent shalom bayis but not everything gets discussed before transmitted to the kids.
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SafeAtLast




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 11:01 am
Maybe let her collect the prize, but put it away for a later date, after she has earned it in whatever way you see fit.
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tymama




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 11:02 am
I told my 6yo dd that she could pick a prize and I’ll send in a check. I hate the idea of her going around the neighborhood schnorring.
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amother




Jetblack
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 11:05 am
SafeAtLast wrote:
Maybe let her collect the prize, but put it away for a later date, after she has earned it in whatever way you see fit.


I was going to say this. Hang onto the prize and let her earn it in some way in the (near) future. I would try to connect it to listening to parents when it is hard her.
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SixOfWands




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 11:20 am
dankbar wrote:
You said the reason you didn't want her to go was not to hound on people, people wouldn't want to give again. She did get some money, so that concern is not valid anymore.


It remains a valid concern. People have a hard time saying no to a child, especially a child they know, even if they already gave and would prefer not to give more. OP's reasoning was excellent. In fact, perhaps schools should recognize that and provide zones for kids to canvas, so no one is faced with 6 adorable kids they know, not to mention their own 4, seriatim.
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amother




Snowflake
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 11:30 am
So I don’t know what “gentle parenting” is.
I too am not comfortable with my children collecting like that (yet my sister and SIL are both fundraisers for wonderful organizations).
It’s very tricky as we support the organization (especially Chai Lifeline) but I don’t like the idea of the kids shnering and bothering the neighbors.
I would sit with and brainstorm with the child (meaning let the kid come up with ideas) as to how to raise $ for the org. Let her raise money in a way deamed appropriate. She then donates all the money but only gets prizes for the part post what she did behind your back. The trick is for her to be the initiator in the idea and execution. You can’t and shouldn’t prevent her from participating but you can set ground rules. It does take more time/attention/work.. on your part.
Maybe a lemonade stand. Maybe setting tables for Shabbos. I don’t know her age or ability or interest. It should be child led, but you have the right to set ground rules.
Oh, and you should also be willing to donate or have grandparents donate to help even the playing field with her classmates.
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amother




Snapdragon
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 11:33 am
I don’t use official methods so no idea if it’s gentle parenting enough.

If I’m refusing something that my child is really set on doing, first I discuss why I need to put my foot down. Then we come up with an alternative together. In most cases just flat out refusing something they really want to do will just end in them defying you.
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amother




Fern
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 11:49 am
It’s confusing for the child when parents tell them not to collect. The schools /camps / organizations hype it up and convey to the child that it’s something praiseworthy and that it’s a mitzvah. When parents say otherwise, it’s hard for them to understand. I let my child go collect for chai lifeline with some safety rules. For example , he can only collect on my block, knock on doors of people who we know , and he may call certain family members to ask if they’d like to contribute. Maybe have a talk with your daughter explaining that it wasn’t ok to do something her father specifically told her not to do, and to lie about it to the sister. Have her acknowledge her mistake and apologize. Help her understand why you don’t allow her to collect. And then decide what you will do about the prize.
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amother




Slateblue
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 11:54 am
I think you should definitely let her get the prize, and your DHs idea of maybe letting the whole family use it too is a good idea. But also sit down with her and explain that she made a mistake and that it’s not ok, in the future if she has a problem with what you say she needs to come talk to you first.

I think it was wrong that she went behind your back but I also feel that you (or DH) put her into a very tough position. I don’t think it was right to forbid her from collecting and partaking in an activity that all of her peers are doing. That was really unfair to her.

If you didn’t want to bother the neighbors then you could have come up with other solutions to helping her collect. Like calling relatives or people you know wouldn’t mind, or maybe doing a lemonade stand type of thing. Or in the future just donate the amount needed to get the prize yourself, so you can avoid this issue. Especially considering the whole reason you don’t want her collecting is because of an issue you (the parents) have, which personally I don’t agree with because a. It’s part of life, all the schools do it all over and b. If someone doesn’t want to give, they won’t. No one is going to think “I can’t believe they let their kid go out collecting and bother me”, so just let it go and let her do what everyone else is doing even more so because it’s for a good cause.
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small bean




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 2:34 pm
SixOfWands wrote:
It remains a valid concern. People have a hard time saying no to a child, especially a child they know, even if they already gave and would prefer not to give more. OP's reasoning was excellent. In fact, perhaps schools should recognize that and provide zones for kids to canvas, so no one is faced with 6 adorable kids they know, not to mention their own 4, seriatim.


I hate that they use the kids this way. I agree they need to do something.
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amother




Salmon
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 11:24 pm
OP I don't have anything practical to say, but I commend you for coming here for advice and also commend you and your husband for not wanting your daughter to go door to door collecting.

With all due respect, I can't stand the massive summer fundraisers, and I think it's tacky for little kids to be doing it. When I'm home I'm not usually just longing around, at least at the hours that I get knocks on the doors, so usually it's around supper or bedtime that I get bothered, and I hate having 20 kids come for the same organization. I don't mind older kids doing fundraisers like car washes or even lemonade stands, and I'm happy to buy or utilize the service and add a donation to the change, but door to door collecting really bothers me. (And yet I still feel obligated to give.)
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amother




Aubergine
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 2:07 am
My mother didn't like my sisters collecting either. She helped them arrange a neighborhood bake sale and make money through that.

I would take an approach like this. Tell her the money collected can't be used for a prize because it was without permission but help her make a carnival or bake sale and earn back the money that way.
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