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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 11:31 pm
My 6 year old daughter is always whining/crying/complaining. She is super smart (thinks a lot) and overly sensitive! We love her tons! But sooo challenging:

She wakes up crying that a sibling woke her.. then she cries cuz she can’t fall asleep.. then someone insulted her, took something away.. cries her way to day camp cuz someone said or did something.. cried during camp for whatever reason… comes home complaining..hungry/tired/bored/wants this or that.. always something else. She needs loads of love and attention. But I have other kids and can’t single her out way more than others. As much as I can I try. She demands my fullest attention, get supper/treats/story time the first.. otherwise complains I don’t like her… basically she is never happy and playing victim. I feel so sorry for her cuz she is in emotional pain. But what can I do?? My dh is so annoyed cuz this happens every day and snaps before she can explain herself. Sorry for long rant but any parenting advice appreciated Crying
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 11:41 pm
My first piece of advice is to change your perspective.
She’s not overly sensitive and she’s not playing victim.
She is a child with big feelings which is hard for you as her mother to deal with.
Carry on
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allthingsblue




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 12 2021, 11:42 pm
When my kids cry or whine or vent they need a listening ear, a hug or snuggle and validation.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 1:45 am
allthingsblue wrote:
When my kids cry or whine or vent they need a listening ear, a hug or snuggle and validation.

I try and give her extra hugs/cuddles/ listen better but she is never satisfied.. at bedtime she wants me to come in her bed. When I can’t she says I don’t like her.
I always give her toy/food first and it bothers the other kids her whining. Even the younger ones always giving into her.. they don’t want to deal with her
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smss




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 1:52 am
https://learning.goodinside.co.....-kids
https://learning.goodinside.co.....-dive
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amother




Snapdragon
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 1:54 am
Zehava wrote:
My first piece of advice is to change your perspective.
She’s not overly sensitive and she’s not playing victim.
She is a child with big feelings which is hard for you as her mother to deal with.
Carry on


How is this helpful? And yes she is very sensitive some people are more sensitive than others. It’s really tough to deal with such a child because a human can only do so much.
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amother




Amber
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 2:01 am
When I clicked the link that SMSS posted - I did a Dr Becky course years ago and it was amazing
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ora_43




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 2:17 am
Don't give her things first all the time, or allow other kids to give in to her in ways that aren't fair to them. It's not fair to the other kids. And you don't want to give her positive reinforcement for bad behavior, that will just make it worse.

(crying in itself isn't bad behavior. crying and saying 'you don't like me' when you have to wait your turn is bad behavior.)

OTOH, do look for opportunities to give her positive reinforcement before she cries. IOW give her hugs and praise and attention even when she's being calm. Be proactive about her needs, eg, when she gets home, ask if she wants a snack as soon as she can start complaining that she's hungry (if possible, before she starts complaining). To help her internalize the idea that she doesn't need to cry in order to get the soothing and attention that she needs.

(this part takes time. a lot of time.)

Also, keep in mind that crying is OK. Some kids feel things deeply. Some also struggle to regulate their emotions. Put them together and you get a kid who's going to cry a lot. Don't ignore her whining/crying, but you also don't need to treat it as an emergency, or try to think of ways to get her to stop. Give her a hug if she wants one, and some attention, then let her sit in a quiet space and cry as long as she needs in order to calm down. I don't mean this in a cruel way, the point isn't to ignore her or to punish her. The idea is to give her the space and time she needs to self-soothe, even if it takes her 20 minutes where it takes an average kid 2.
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rowena




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 7:30 am
amother [ Snapdragon ] wrote:
How is this helpful? And yes she is very sensitive some people are more sensitive than others. It’s really tough to deal with such a child because a human can only do so much.


I think that she has a point.
I have a child like this, and the way I parent is completely different when I can keep the perspective of “she is having a hard time” vs. “she is giving me a hard time”.

I don’t try to stop the crying. I let her know that I understand that she is having a hard time, and her sad feelings are ok. That I love her even when she is very upset.
Sometimes I tell her that her crying is hurting my ears so if she needs to continue crying can she please go to her room(I have a calm down kit of sensory toys in there).

Well, this is what I attempt to do.
I probably mess up at least half the time, if not more.
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amother




Cornsilk
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 7:33 am
amother [ Snapdragon ] wrote:
How is this helpful? And yes she is very sensitive some people are more sensitive than others. It’s really tough to deal with such a child because a human can only do so much.

How is it not helpful? Children aren't burdens they are gifts. and they all come with their own packages and it's our job as parents to learn to appreciate and love every part of them.
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amother




Celeste
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 7:43 am
Hi,
I have a child like this younger though. Extremely smart but also extremely sensitive and yes, its not possible to always go to them and nor is it fair to your other children. What worked for me, was to find things that child can play INDEPENDENTLY or w a sibling, and give verbal praise at random. These toys/activities stimulate the child- and he is extra happy to have praise. Also he really likes music so I often have it on in the background. Additionally, he is happy to have scheduling/routine- takes out a lot of crying time. I.e. when he wakes up cranky- he will still go through w the motions and crying stops. "sweetie you just woke up, baby woke up the whole house this morning. Go on and brush your teeth, and tell mommy when your finished." I give him a kiss, he goes off, and comes back to tell me. Usually crying has stopped. Me: great. Okay, now lets go sit and wait for breakfast, heres a coloring book /lacing card, (insert your own activity) to do while you wait. You do your thing- she does hers.
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amother




Celeste
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 7:47 am
Hi,
I have a child like this younger though. Extremely smart but also extremely sensitive and yes, its not possible to always go to them and nor is it fair to your other children. What worked for me, was to find things that child can play INDEPENDENTLY or w a sibling, and give verbal praise at random. These toys/activities stimulate the child- and he is extra happy to have praise. Also he really likes music so I often have it on in the background. Additionally, he is happy to have scheduling/routine- takes out a lot of crying time. I.e. when he wakes up cranky- he will still go through w the motions and crying stops. "sweetie you just woke up, baby woke up the whole house this morning. Go on and brush your teeth, and tell mommy when your finished." I give him a kiss, he goes off, and comes back to tell me. Usually crying has stopped. Me: great. Okay, now lets go sit and wait for breakfast, heres a coloring book /lacing card, (insert your own activity) to do while you wait. You do your thing- she does hers.
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sushilover




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 8:16 am
Did you ever try cuddle therapy? Set aside time every day to just hold her for as long as she needs. If possible, tell her that you'll cuddle until she decides to stop.

This won't cure everything, but it can do a lot to help her feel secure and loved.

Acknowledge to yourself and your husband that this personality is difficult for the parents, but ultimately is a lot more difficult for her. Sometimes whining is caused by externals, but very often it's a personality.

Also, give her empathy and warmth when she's sad, but try to give her even more attention when she's cheerful. "Catch her" when she's in a good mood and mirror her positive energy. Dance with her, tell jokes, label her as "my cheerful girl" or "the funny one". Don't ever label her as a whiner, even if it's objectively true.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 8:22 am
I also have one child like this. Hashem made her with big feelings and needs. I do my best. People told me when she was younger that it will get a little easier as she gets older, and it did. My goal is to fill her with love as much as I can and not mess her up, so that she will B"EH be a healthy adult.

rowena's post really resonated with me. That's what I try to do. Just love her.
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tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 8:40 am
My daughter is like this too, same age. I feel your frustration.
"Nobody likes me" she has a ton of friends and so social, her teachers and principal love her but her siblings are annoyed at all the crying and complaining
"I never get anything" as she's holding a brand new toy I bought for her
"Everyone else is so lucky" as she's eating the same cookie everyone else is eating

There is nothing in the world I can give her that will make her feel lucky or not jealous or special.
She's sensitive which I see as a positive quality. She'll have tears running down her face when she hears a sad story.

I try my utmost not to raise my voice to her because it wounds her deeply. I pay attention to which activities soothe her- sensory activities she can spend hours on, and that's where I lead her when she's overstimulated.

I aim to be patient although it's really hard.
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amother




Poppy
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 9:03 am
Zehava wrote:
My first piece of advice is to change your perspective.
She’s not overly sensitive and she’s not playing victim.
She is a child with big feelings which is hard for you as her mother to deal with.
Carry on


This. A perspective change is so important. I've done it with a child.

But you also need to teach your child what she can do when she is frustrated instead of cry and whine. If you are bored or no one is playing with you, can you read a book? Color? I don't know what your child likes to do. Teach her how to express herself. Ask what she can do instead of cry or if something else is bothering her. Make sure she is sleeping and eating enough.

If she says she never gets a story but you told her one already tell her you understand how much she loves stories but also remind her, mommy just told you a story or mommy told you a story yesterday, tomorrow or the next day you'll hear another one, and sometimes if we have more time mommy can tell you two, but today we don't. Maybe you can look at one yourself. And don't become worked up from her emotions. It sounds like your husband doesn't self regulate so maybe she is picking up on that.

PS you shouldn't allow your children to wake others up. That's more concerning then crying when being woken up. I'd address that too.
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rachelki 768786




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 9:05 am
Could she be over tired?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 9:16 am
Aside from all the other great advice, have her checked for food sensitivities and allergies.

She may not be outright allergic to anything, but if she has a sensitivity she could be suffering from constant, low level inflammation that is irritating her nerves.

My DD just got diagnosed with Celiac, and the change in her diet has been amazing for her. She's having a much easier time regulating her emotions, and overall is a much happier person.
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amother




Celeste
 

Post Tue, Jul 13 2021, 10:13 pm
amother [ Poppy ] wrote:

PS you shouldn't allow your children to wake others up. That's more concerning then crying when being woken up. I'd address that too.


Not the OP but just wondering why you think she hasn't tried fixing that first. I for one, have a baby, who is in his own room, w an a.c and sound machine running, as well as the a.c and sound machine in siblings room- and when he wakes up hes always upset and screaming to the top of his lungs, despite everything I try to stop it. And yes, it sometimes can wake up others in the house. But im not going to move anyone out, and I've otherwised maximized on the distance between everyone and baby. Sometimes a living space just doesnt accommodate for enough acoustics to be masked. Especially w light sleepers.
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dankbar




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 14 2021, 3:17 am
Maybe something happened that she's acting out
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