Responsibilities for the chosson and kallah side

amother

Stoneblue

Tue, Jul 13 2021, 11:40 pm

Im a BT
married an israeli
dh is ffb

we bought ourselves a couch coffee table and velvet chair from wayfair
my aunt gave us her old kitchen table...

beds my boss gave me maaser money to buy new beds from wayfair...

I lied and told my parents that my husbands family friend bought them for us

we are yeshivish but ofc not the typical newlywed couple who has everything bought for them. still coming to terms with what I didnt get. married a year

life is fun

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 2:49 am

moonstone wrote:

I agree with you, but I think around here we're in the minority. 😂

Probably, unless times have changed?
If you move into a furnished apartment, beds are there anyway. Kitchen stuff we acquired gradually as we went along.
Did you have a Bosch machine straight away? I got one after 10 years.....

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 6:53 am

essie14 wrote:

It's the responsibility of the engaged couple.

I have a feeling that the OP is in the charedi world. This question is not askd in the MO/DL world. Sometimes parents or family may gift things but it is the responsibility of the couple to organize everything. Not so in the charedi or chassidish world.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 7:10 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Probably, but it also depends on family background. In my circles, while yeshivish, it isn't unheard of for the couple to do it on their own. Between shower gifts to help set up kitchen and towel/linen household needs, and using wedding money to buy basic furniture, it is quite manageable. Often, the couple is a drop "older" say 23/24 and the girl may already have bought a (likely secondhand) car. If not, they take care of it after marriage.
Yes, even for those starting out in Lakewood!

amother

Winterberry

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 9:16 am

Sort of yeshivish, haven't been married that long...
Many of these items were given as gifts (small appliances and kitchen things). Some we bought ourselves. Maybe my parents bought us some? But not out of obligation, just by choice.
Furniture is pretty much all second-hand. I imagine that to a lot of people that is crazy, but for the people I know it is so normal. To me it is strange that people go buy brand new sets of furniture before they get married and spend a ton of $, especially if they'll be living for a only a few years in that home. The people I know who got new furniture are mostly those who qualified to get from a tzedaka organization!
As for a car, either one or both spouses has a car from before, or they can decide whether to buy one or not. Our first car was older than me, and our current car isn't much newer.

amother

Lightcoral

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 10:00 am

RW MO

We went to IKEA for furniture and got a lot of the practical kitchen stuff and linens/towels as shower and wedding presents off our registry. We bought whatever else we needed as necessary. When we moved to a house a few years later we slowly bought better quality furniture to replace the IKEA stuff.

We spent part of the week of sheva brachos shopping for a car and ended up leasing one. I remember DH being very concerned that the car have both driver and passenger side airbags so I would be protected no matter who was driving. It was really sweet!

amother

Brass

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 10:07 am

If you’re living in Lakewood usually the kallah’s parents will take care of the kitchen appliances and furniture. But some families only buy minimal furniture, or second hand. Others get everything and beautiful. Tiferes devora lekallah doesn’t help matters because thanks to them any families that qualify will get gorgeous furniture and appliances for free, which drives up the standard for everyone else.

The car parents will often help but usually the couple does buy themselves. Or one of them will already own a car (usually the girl)

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 11:17 am

Yeshivish somewhat. Most of my kitchen items were gifts- I have a well-off and very generous grandmother, as well as a lot of close family friends and relatives who gave as well. We got an amazing couch on craigs list, got a free kitchen table from a frum person giving it away, took a bookshelf and high riser from my in laws (old furniture they wanted to get rid off), bought really nice dressers off my cousin who was moving, and paid for our own beds and mattresses. My mother bought me a lot of random other housewares I wasn’t given as gifts. In my circles I think the girls side sets up the apartment, but depending on how much the parents can spend it may end up being a combination of sources.

amother

Coffee

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 11:21 am

Chassidish. Cost of furniture & appliances are split but the kallah goes shopping and chooses everything. Sometimes the chassons mother goes along with the kallah to shop. If the couple will want a car, they take care of it themselves after marriage.

Chayalle

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 11:23 am

amother [ Brass ] wrote:

I have a good friend whose son recently got married, and she told me that the Kallah's side asked them to share in the cost of the furniture 50/50. I believe they got 2nd hand. They also split the wedding costs 50/50. (this is not usual)

ETA: I was thinking back to when we got married, 20+ years ago. My parents bought most things - kitchen ware, linen, towels, etc..... bedroom set, dining table and chairs, kitchen table and chairs. My in-laws bought the wall unit which included china closet and shelves for Seforim (it was new, from Frankel's).

Last edited by Chayalle on Wed, Jul 14 2021, 11:25 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Puce

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 11:24 am

In my experience, in the yeshivish world, it is all on the girls family and if they can't afford it, they receive it through TDL and/or the couple uses chasunah gift money to purchase what they need.

amother

Chambray

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 11:26 am

To clarify the question.

Are you the parents and what to know what is customary gifted to the young couple or are you the young couple and asking what you are ENTITLED to.

If you are the parents, whatever you can give is very much appreciate and so super helpful. Personally, I would give my children the shirt of my back. Setting them up for success in life is my goal and responsibility and their happiness is my happiness.
If you are the young couple-NOTHING.

Chayalle

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 11:29 am

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

In my experience, in the yeshivish world, it is all on the girls family and if they can't afford it, they receive it through TDL and/or the couple uses chasunah gift money to purchase what they need.

I think it depends somewhat on the people involved. I definitely see that the Kallah's side usually pays a proportionally larger share, but I do see instances where the Chassan's side pays something as well.

I recently got a call from someone who had a suggestion for us where the other side wanted to know up front if we were multi-millionaires (with the demands they had, what else could we be?) but I have never heard this before. The caller tried to convince me that "this is the way it is by everyone, standard" but I've run this by multiple people since who have married off daughters in the yeshiva world, and they laughed and said nothing of the sort.