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How to give over 9 Av mood w/o leaving kids with bad taste

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 11:30 am
Growing up my family took tisha bav very seriously, siting on the floor and reading eicha at least until chatzos. After that was a little lighter, but still everything was looked at as in appropriate for the day. (I remember a friend telling me her mother took them to Walmart in the afternoon and I was horrified.) When I tried looking online for inspirational articles I was reprimanded for using the computer on tisha bav. It’s only as an adult that I have found ways to mourn that work for me. My husband is completely turned off from all that and reads and watches secular books and movies all tisha bav (although I’ve asked him not to do it in front of the kids). My kids are young teens and fasting, and I’d like them to realize that it’s not just a day for frivolous entertainment, but I also don’t want them to feel as I did or as my husband still does. For reference we are JPF. We have a rav, follow halacha etc, but are not Yeshivish. (Not implying others don’t follow! Just trying to give a picture.)
I asked for appropriate video suggestions on shiva asar btamuz, but my kids had no interest in the suggestions that were given. My older one will watch Holocaust movies, but that’s too intense for my daughter who just turned 12. She’d rather just play games on her phone and I don’t want to make a big deal about it. She’s a very good kid. So I can just let it go, and hope that as she gets older, she will take it more seriously, and I’m thinking along those lines, but if anyone has any ideas, I’d love to hear them. It also doesn’t help that it seems some of her friends just watch regular movies all tisha bav, with the attitude of, whatever helps you get through the fast.
I’m extra sensitive regarding not giving them a bad taste that just turns them off because that’s how my husband and I grew up, always being reprimanded and having things shoved down our throats, instead of being allowed to find our way. Not just tisha bav related obviously. So even though we are not those parents in any way, I always have that worry deep down.
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amother




Amethyst
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 11:44 am
In my opinion, fasting is enough to set the 9 av mood. Anything else is just personal sensitivity. After chatzos, we play games and do activities to make the day pass quicker.
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amother




Bellflower
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:17 pm
I don’t think kids need to feel the mood.
They’ll have their time. For now let them be kids.
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amother




Thistle
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:21 pm
Chasidish here. We did not read or watch secular stuff on 9 a bit we didn’t do inspiration all say either. We used to bake after chatzos, grandkids would come to my parents and all the kids would do activities like crafts together
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:34 pm
I appreciate everyone sharing their perspectives. This is very helpful.
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amother




Amaryllis
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:46 pm
We would read Eicha in the morning, and daven. Not do much else until 1. After that we would be baking, sometimes grocery shopping and cooking, reading (anything Jewish, not at all inspirational).
The younger teenage years I would sometimes even bake with neighbors, or if we were upstate, the girls in the colony would get together in one house and bake up a storm.
Meaningful in the morning, after 1 basically focusing on what we want to break the fast on.
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DVOM




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:03 pm
I really identify with your post, OP.

My (truly wonderful) parents were very serious about religious observence, and I felt pressured as a young girl and teenager to be in sync with the holiday feeling even if I just wasn't there yet. I just couldn't turn my feelings on and off that way, and I felt resentful and rebellious at the notion that there was a particular way that I 'should' be feeling (serious and introspective on yom kippur, happy on Purim, sad on Tisha b'av).

With my own children, I try to model but not pressure. I will watch a video or listen to a lecture or engage in the activity of the chag. Sometimes they'll join me, sometimes they won't. That's ok. I trust that they will make it there in their own way, at their own pace.
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amother




Cerulean
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:09 pm
I've had the same question as you op.
In my case I find it very hard myself to stay focused, and really need a distraction from fasting so definitely dont think I can expect more from my kids.
My fasting kids slept late so the day will be shorter, non fasting kids played all morning. E1 davened around 12 after dh got home from shul.
This year my 14yr old made a sort of camp with her friends for younger neighberhood kids in the afternoon, so that's been keeping her busy, plus she is making money. 2 of my little kids were her campers and another was her helper, so that kept them all occupied. My 12yr old and 9 yr old were both home so I put on one of the free videos from the yeshiva world for them, then they both went with friends to the tishabav video showing for kids in the local hall. 9 yr old just came home and he told me hes bored, and can he read comics. I told him it's fine, there is only so much 'inspiration' he can tolerate in one day. Once the weather cools down I imagine he'll want to go to the park with some friends. The younger ones will go to bed after supper and the older ones will probably rest with books or videos till the end of the fast. It's a very long day.
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ra_mom




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:11 pm
We watch inspiring videos until chatzos and after that I let do whatever watching or reading they want, because the focus should be on fasting and getting through the day.
We just finished some videos that we bought on Hashkifa.com that we all connected to.
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amother




Gardenia
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:12 pm
What you’re describing sounds like my sleep away camp experience, where I was chided for going on the slide (as a non fasting youngster) because it wasn’t In the spirit of the day

It didn’t resonate with me then or now

I watch food network all day. Or Olympics when theyre on. Or whatever. Anything to pass the time. I am a terrible faster; fasting has never brought me closer to anything. I chose not to fast on my wedding day either for the same reason.

I have a BY background btw
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amother




Lilac
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:13 pm
It's so easy these days because there is so much tisha baav appropriate "entertainment" available.

Off the top of my head for this year:
Project witness, Project inspire, yoel gold, alef beta, chofetz chaim heritage foundation
There are more, I think links to all are on yeshiva world. Some are free some for a small fee (like $10) They aren't all appropriate for very small children but mine are all over 11 and I have these things playing all day for them to distract from the fasting (some aren't good fasters) and help them feel inspired and feel the day.

For very young children, like under 9, I used to let them watch any Jewish entertainment that wasn't primarily musical to keep them busy. Also gave them crafts to keep them busy.
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Simple1




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:37 pm
DVOM wrote:


With my own children, I try to model but not pressure. I will watch a video or listen to a lecture or engage in the activity of the chag. Sometimes they'll join me, sometimes they won't. That's ok. I trust that they will make it there in their own way, at their own pace.


I feel that way too.
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amother




Papaya
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:49 pm
We watch the videos mentioned that have links on yeshiva world.
We put our couch pillows on the floor.
I cook for the younger kids and for after the fast with whoever wants to be involved.
If someone needs to play games or read a novel to pass the time, that's fine--the most important thing is that the above 12 fasters make it through someway or another.
I wouldn't go shopping or on an entertainment trip.
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amother




NeonPink
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:54 pm
I read this book with my children. It's amazing and totally tells the idea of the day without being overbearing:
https://www.amazon.com/What-Wa.....13709
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amother




Moccasin
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 3:14 pm
The children's program is live now on Torah anytime.com: https://tbav.torahanytime.com/ choose children's program from the drop down menu

Oorah children's video and resources
https://www.oorah.org/tisha-bav/
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thunderstorm




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 4:06 pm
ra_mom wrote:
We watch inspiring videos until chatzos and after that I let do whatever watching or reading they want, because the focus should be on fasting and getting through the day.
We just finished some videos that we bought on Hashkifa.com that we all connected to.

I do the same. Some of my kids watch me daven and say kinnos and listen to shiurim. I don’t expect them to do what I do. If they want to join they can , if not , not. They tend to watch certain inspirational videos with me and some tune into the shiurim with me. But I never make anyone feel like they need to. Some of my kids do their own thing. They perhaps have not come to the point of feeling the day , like I do. That’s ok. There’s time for them to reach that. Everyone at their own pace.
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