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Bas mitzvah and girly drama
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:46 pm
My daughter is in a smallish OOT school and she is in a small class. Sometimes she is friends with most of the girls, sometimes she concentrates on just one of them and davka doesn't want to have anything to do with some of the others. The situation changes every couple of weeks.

I must say I am not a fan of some of the girls and some of others are clueless and still immature, as well as my daughter of course.

Her bas mitzvah is coming up and I wonder how it all will play out. People usually invite all the classmates but I just don't know what to do when the time comes up to plan her bas mitzvah.

How do people handle this drama when they have to invite everyone, also the person who has been hurting their child in school? Do people ignore this background?
Please share your experiences.
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amother




Peachpuff
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:48 pm
Quote:

[My daughter is in a smallish OOT school and she is in a small class. Sometimes she is friends with most of the girls, sometimes she concentrates on just one of them and davka doesn't want to have anything to do with some of the others. The situation changes every couple of weeks.

I must say I am not a fan of some of the girls and some of others are clueless and still immature, as well as my daughter of course.

Her bas mitzvah is coming up and I wonder how it all will play out. People usually invite all the classmates but I just don't know what to do when the time comes up to plan her bas mitzvah.

Has anyone had a celebration when they had to exclude one of the girls? I think it is so petty and we will regret it afterwards but OTOH it is my daughter's celebration and I don't want to risk a nasty friend ruining it for her.]

Sounds absolutely horrible to exclude one girl. Is this really a question? On 9 av?
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:50 pm
amother [ Peachpuff ] wrote:
Sounds absolutely horrible to exclude one girl. Is this really a question? On 9 av?


The bas mitzvah is not on 9 be av.

It is not the point though, the point is how ppl handle the drama when it's bat mitzvah time.
Will rephrase the OP.
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amother




Butterscotch
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:51 pm
Invite everyone.
If you don't I guarantee there will be more (worse) drama.
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amother




Peachpuff
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:53 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
The bas mitzvah is not on 9 be av.

It is not the point though, the point is how ppl handle the drama when it's bat mitzvah time.
Will rephrase the OP.

I understood the bas mitzva is not on 9 av. But you asked whether it’s ok to exclude 1 girl and you asked it on 9 av.
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amother




Oatmeal
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:54 pm
By us the rule if the school is you need to invite all the girls in the grade. My daughter has been to tons of BM where she wasn't friends. Some friends she was once friends with at their BM she is no longer close to and others she is. I think just invite the grade.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:54 pm
amother [ Peachpuff ] wrote:
I understood the bas mitzva is not on 9 av. But you asked whether it’s ok to exclude 1 girl and you asked it on 9 av.

It is not even 1 girl, could be a few. If you want to be specific.
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amother




Butterscotch
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:55 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It is not even 1 girl, could be a few. If you want to be specific.

This is how major class feuds start.
Just don't even go there. Invite everyone.
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amother




Peachpuff
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:56 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It is not even 1 girl, could be a few. If you want to be specific.

Ok, you changed the question...
Perhaps if you make a very small celebration and only invite a handful of friends it’s ok. If you invite the class and exclude 2-3 it’s horrible.
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amother




Butterscotch
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:57 pm
amother [ Peachpuff ] wrote:
Ok, you changed the question...
Perhaps if you make a very small celebration and only invite a handful of friends it’s ok. If you invite the class and exclude 2-3 it’s horrible.

Not in a small oot school. It will be a smallish celebration anyway.
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causemommysaid




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:58 pm
You invite everyone. You have to. The drama will be worse otherwise.

If there is one girl who you think will ruin it by laughing during her speech or say nasty things under her breath you can call the kids mother and tell her you're concerned and her daughter is welcome as long as she is gracious.
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trixx




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 12:58 pm
You need to invite everyone. Hopefully everyone will be on their best behavior. You can't exclude 1 or even 3 girls out of a class of 15 (and that's a large class! How much more so if it's smaller)
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sky




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:03 pm
Invite everyone or no classmates.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:05 pm
causemommysaid wrote:
You invite everyone. You have to. The drama will be worse otherwise.

If there is one girl who you think will ruin it by laughing during her speech or say nasty things under her breath you can call the kids mother and tell her you're concerned and her daughter is welcome as long as she is gracious.


The mother will never get involved, unfortunately she thinks nothing can be done. This applies to most mothers. She doesn't even know most things her daughter does.
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Iymnok




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:05 pm
Our school has a rule that no one may be invited. It’s for family only.
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amother




Puce
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:07 pm
Don’t invite anyone in the class. Send goodie bags to school. Problem solved, the end.
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amother




Butterscotch
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:08 pm
I wouldn't advise calling a mother anyway. It will only stir up the drama.
Invite everyone or do family only. Unless you want to make things much much worse.
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abound




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:09 pm
Talk to her teacher or principal and ask how to best handle it
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causemommysaid




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:10 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
The mother will never get involved, unfortunately she thinks nothing can be done. This applies to most mothers. She doesn't even know most things her daughter does.


So invite 2 or 3 friends and no one else. But that is only in the case where someone will actively ruin the party. If she's just not the most pleasant girl then invite everyone.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:12 pm
Iymnok wrote:
Our school has a rule that no one may be invited. It’s for family only.


I like that.

DD's school had a rule that it was everyone or no one. Everyone was expected to be invited, a class of over 30 girls. You were expected to make a big party, and the girls were expected to bring large amounts of gift money. If you brought less than everyone else, everyone knew it, and the teacher would shame you.

Some of these girls had parties on yachts, with live bands, and steak dinners. Surprised If your party was smaller than everyone else's, the other girls would shame you.

DD was disgusted at the display of wealth, the frivolity, and the general lack of kedusha. She tried to call in sick for most of the parties. She "got the flu a lot" that year.
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