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Bas mitzvah and girly drama
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:14 pm
abound wrote:
Talk to her teacher or principal and ask how to best handle it


I am thinking now that it might be a good idea to discuss this issue together with other parents and teachers too.
Aa I said, that is another can of worms because some parents think their child is never wrong.
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SafeAtLast




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:14 pm
How many girls are in the class?
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:16 pm
SafeAtLast wrote:
How many girls are in the class?

10
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amother




Lemonlime
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:19 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
10


If it's just 10 girls in the class, then it's either no one or everyone.
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amother




Lemonlime
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:20 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
I like that.

DD's school had a rule that it was everyone or no one. Everyone was expected to be invited, a class of over 30 girls. You were expected to make a big party, and the girls were expected to bring large amounts of gift money. If you brought less than everyone else, everyone knew it, and the teacher would shame you.

Some of these girls had parties on yachts, with live bands, and steak dinners. Surprised If your party was smaller than everyone else's, the other girls would shame you.

DD was disgusted at the display of wealth, the frivolity, and the general lack of kedusha. She tried to call in sick for most of the parties. She "got the flu a lot" that year.


Omg, in which frum community is it the norm to have a bas mitzvah on a yacht? Wow
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amother




Cyan
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:20 pm
Separate point address the bullying with the school immediately. If everyone invites everyone then you really have to. At most I think you can invite only her 2 closest friends and say you are making a family party. But you can’t invite most of the class and leave out a few girls despite the bullying.
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SafeAtLast




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:21 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
10


If you invite more than 2 girls you need to invite everyone then.

The solution to class politics is never to create more politics.
And I don't think it's wise for parents to get involved unless there is real bullying.

Let the kids work out their arguments on their own.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:36 pm
Dear ladies, I hear your message loud and clear.

It is still a minefield to navigate, I guess I will see how things develop.
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amother




Lemonlime
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:42 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Dear ladies, I hear your message loud and clear.

It is still a minefield to navigate, I guess I will see how things develop.


Are the principles and teachers privy to and involved in the situation? Do they know what's going on?
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amother




NeonPink
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:46 pm
Invite the whole class, and the teachers, and the principal. The school staff keeps the girls under control at the event. And dd and the other girls will understand that all girls are invited because all girls are invited. And even if dd isn't liking each girl, she will feel supported by having the "crowd" there for her. So there will be some positive memories associated with these girls too. Because of drama, she may end up friends with some of the more problematic girls later on.

Also, with a class of 10, you can invite many community members who are friends of the family and who dd knows and likes. This dilutes the impact of the class if that's what dd wants.

Signed, a mom of a girl in a class of 10. We invited all, and thirty family/community members. Not all girls came, but most did. And dd's memories of it are good.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 1:47 pm
amother [ Lemonlime ] wrote:
Are the principles and teachers privy to and involved in the situation? Do they know what's going on?


They ignore it unfortunately.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 18 2021, 3:04 pm
amother [ NeonPink ] wrote:
Invite the whole class, and the teachers, and the principal. The school staff keeps the girls under control at the event. And dd and the other girls will understand that all girls are invited because all girls are invited. And even if dd isn't liking each girl, she will feel supported by having the "crowd" there for her. So there will be some positive memories associated with these girls too. Because of drama, she may end up friends with some of the more problematic girls later on.

Also, with a class of 10, you can invite many community members who are friends of the family and who dd knows and likes. This dilutes the impact of the class if that's what dd wants.

Signed, a mom of a girl in a class of 10. We invited all, and thirty family/community members. Not all girls came, but most did. And dd's memories of it are good.


Thank you!! This is a great piece of advice. We don't have much of a family to speak of, but with teachers present, it may work out nicely.
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amother




Dahlia
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 7:54 am
I think it’s beautiful you are looking for a solution on 9 av INSTEAD of creating hurt and drama (kamatz and bar kamtza come to mind). Literally making up for our past-kudos!

I’m a school teacher for this age girl and a few things that I see really work
1. A motivator to run games or activities who is aware of the situation
2. An activity that girls do in pairs and make sure to seat your DD with a good friend. In general if you keep it busy then there is less time for drama.
3. Love what another poster said about inviting More people your DD gets along with. Family. Neighbors, camp friends. Overwhelm the balance with positive people.

Remember. Zivchu zivchei tzedek ubitchu el Hashem. Just do the right thing and trust Hashem that it will work out well.
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amother




Grape
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 8:56 am
Sorry you are dealing with this op. Good advice here. In the zechus of your sensitivity and thoughtfulness may you, your daughter, your whole family, and all am yisroel share only simchos in joy.
Mazel Tov!
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