The SAHM vs Working Mom debate

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Jul 19 2021, 5:02 pm

I am SAHM.
SAHM I am.

That SAHM I am,
That SAHM I am.
I do not like that SAHM I am.

Do you like green dollars and work?
I do not like them,
SAHM I am.

Would you like them here or there?

I would not like them here or there,
I would not like them anywhere.
I do not like green dollars and work
I do not like them SAHM I am.

Would you like them full time?
Would you like them part time?

I do not like them full time,
I do not like them part time,
I do not like them here or there,
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like green dollars and work,
I do not like them SAHM I am.

Would you like them in an office chair?
Would you like them as a career?

I do not like them in an office chair,
I do not like them as a career,
I do not like them full time,
I do not like them part time,
I do not like them here or there,
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like green dollars and work,
I do not like them SAHM I am.

Would you could you through quickpay?
Would you could you right away?

I would not could not through quickpay,
I would not could not right away,
Not in an office chair,
not as a career,
not full time,
not part time,
I do not like them here or there,
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like green dollars and work,
I do not like them SAHM I am.

A job! A job! A job! A job!
Could you would you take this job?

Not a job,
not through quickpay,
not right away,
Not in an office chair,
not as a career,
not full time,
not part time,
I do not like them here or there,
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like green dollars and work,
I do not like them SAHM I am.

Would you with cleaning help?
Would you could you if I yelp?
I could not should not with cleaning help,
I could not should not if you yelp,
Not a job,
not through quickpay,
not right away,
Not in an office chair,
not as a career,
not full time,
not part time,
I do not like them here or there,
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like green dollars and work,
I do not like them SAHM I am.

Oh well, oh well, I'll let you be,
I'll go my own way as you see,
I like green dollars and work a lot
But as you see my friend does not.

amother

Snowdrop

Mon, Jul 19 2021, 6:46 pm

I have done both. There's no question that being a sahm is logistically easier. In addition to the housework, cooking, laundry, errands etc being just part of your day, you're always available to deal with the appointments that crop up, the kid who gets sick and has to stay home for a couple of days, etc. There's no way around it. Those logistics are easier to handle if you're home. But oh, I was severely depressed as a sahm! Bored and unfulfilled. It was absolutely mentally harder, and that's why I ultimately chose to go back to work. I'm much happier working, even though it means I have to scramble more and deal with all the crazy logistics that come with it.

thunderstorm

Mon, Jul 19 2021, 6:50 pm

I was a SAHM and then took a 9-4 job. I’m happier with working . I did not have cleaning help and that made it a struggle. I have been able to arrange 4 hrs a week of cleaning help and it’s slightly an improvement. It’s nice to be a SAHM with a newborn , but once they are a little over a year old I get the itch to go back to work. I have a certain inner peace when I work.

amother

Babypink

Mon, Jul 19 2021, 7:01 pm

amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:

And SAHM's never seem to go back to work, because by the time their kids are all old enough and out of the house, they've been out of the workforce a very long time. So then their job gets easier.

That is absurd.
It is hard to re-enter the workforce. You take a pay cut and step back from where you were. You have to prove yourself 2x as much as some young person for whom this is a first job.
I was a SAHM. I had a very sizable group of SAHM friends. We are ALL back at work.
(Do you know what HS costs?)

Ema of 5

Mon, Jul 19 2021, 7:03 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you!!!!! No one is saying that SAHMS do nothing all day but I wish people would admit that under normal circumstances the working moms have it harder.

Why does it have to be a contest? “My life is harder than yours” Why can’t it just be “my life is hard in one way, your life is hard in a different way, and we both respect each other.” I work, and I will NEVER say that one is harder than the other. Each is hard in its own way, for different people.

honeymoon

Mon, Jul 19 2021, 7:04 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Are you working part time or full time? I think working 3-5 hours a day is really the best of both worlds. You get to leave your house so you don't feel your brain turning to mush being with toddlers all day. It gives you motivation etc. You have some time to yourself so you are not harried mess getting in the door 10 minutes before the kids and you can still excuse the cleaning help! Given the choice I would work part time over being a SAHM but the choice is not mine and I work full time...

I worked part time for many years and while you do indeed get the benefits of both, I still find it easier to be a sahm.

saw50st8

Mon, Jul 19 2021, 8:00 pm

I was able to take extended maternity leave for 9 months. It was probably the easiest 9 months of my adult life. I know that's controversial to say - my house was cleaner, my food was healthier, I did fun things with my kids every day. For me, life was much easier. I didn't have to get out at the crack of dawn, rush to work, work all day, pick up my kids, get dinner on the table, bathe my kids and worry about if I was spending enough quality time with my kids. My husband also had more free time because I was able to do errands during the day.

During covid, my life got easier again because I could do housework on my lunch break or switch the laundry between meetings or chop vegetables while taking a work call. My whole family was together and we spent lots of time together even when my husband and I were working much longer hours. I'm going back 3 days a week in September and I am not looking forward to the reduced quality of life.

But it doesn't help a SAHM if I find being home easier. We are all individuals and what I find easier someone else finds harder and vice versa. It's not a competition - I hope that we all have easier lives!

amother

Gold

Mon, Jul 19 2021, 8:16 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you!!!!! No one is saying that SAHMS do nothing all day but I wish people would admit that under normal circumstances the working moms have it harder.

The thing that most people forget in the debate when they say I have to do everything a SAHM does in less time is completely false. Because all that goes on in the hours you are working you don’t have to deal with, endless messes , serving meals snacks etc that happen during those hours, all the diapers that are changed then. When I worked my house was cleaner at the time I ended work then when I was a SAHM.
So it’s not the same amount of housework at all. Assuming you are home with kids.

amother

Honeysuckle

Mon, Jul 19 2021, 8:23 pm

I work full time- 7:45 to 3:15. I had a period of time when I was a SAHM and loved every second. Thank you Covid.

One day, when my husband makes enough money, I plan to stay at home and work very minimally (like 10 hrs a week). I love being home, taking care of my babies, spending more than 15 frantic minutes preparing supper to throw into the oven, cleaning when I am not completely exhausted at 11 pm..... ugh I could totally day dream about those months....

I was less stressed. I had so much less to do. I didn't have to prepare every single thing for shabbos until the wee hours on Thursday nights (down the setting the table). I didn't have to wait up for my laundry to finish at midnight so that we would have clean underwear the next day. I was able to go grocery shopping at a calm time and not stand in line for 25 minutes during the afternoon rush. I had the mental space to bake sometime for shabbos that involved a little more than the recipe for chocolate chip cookies that I know by heart. I felt like a real mother and a person. I cannot wait for that day again.

amother

Wheat

Tue, Jul 20 2021, 1:06 am

I've been a SAHM for many years. In the beginning, it would have been much easier for me to go out to work. My 3 oldest kids had special needs and 2 of them cried non stop and didn't sleep. I used to dream of handing my screeching baby over to a babysitter and going to work in a nice, quiet office where I could hear myself think and nobody was wrecking everything I tried doing. I wished I could have even just a 5 minute walk to work in which I could be alone and normal. I wished I could have a lunchbreak where I could put my head down and close my eyes and nobody would interrupt me.

But B"H those children have grown and my kids who are little now are much easier to handle. Now I enjoy being home with them, and I would find it very difficult to work out of the house. Some years are easier than others.

imaima

Tue, Jul 20 2021, 1:33 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I have no intention of opening up a can of worms I really just want answers.

I work from 9-4. I have a grand total of 7 hours of cleaning help a week. I drop my baby off at daycare on the way to work and pick him up on the way home so there is literally zero me time. My other kids buses come staggered shortly after I get home and its a marathon to get dinner on the table. I look at stay home moms and I am not going to lie. I am downright jealous. I can not understand the debate the SAHMS have it harder. Can someone please explain the debate to me?

Let me me very clear that I do not think they sit with their feet up all day I get that they are busy yet I tend to my house also and am forced to do it in much less time...

They don't have it harder. It's a lie. SAHMs made it up to make themselves feel good. All the memes about them being busy all day long with things are nice and they are true. But working moms have all the same responsibilities but also work. There is just no denying that.

If we take a WM and a SAHM with identical income and family situation, a workinng mom will have it harder.

imaima

Tue, Jul 20 2021, 1:34 am

Kiwi13 wrote:

I was a SAHM for a while (now I'm a part-time WAHM), and I personally agree with you that being a SAHM is a luxury and not necessarily harder than working outside the house.

BUUUUUT....

That was NOT the case when I had a 2yo and twin infants with special medical needs. Never getting a break from caring for little kids is hard. It's a never-ending series of tasks and cleaning and soothing and feeding and changing... you don't sleep well at night, and you don't really get rest during the day either. You don't get to take a lunch break. You don't get to have interactions with other grownups. It's easy to lose yourself and your mind.

I still considered it easier than working outside the home for personal reasons, but my sister who works a high-stress job in corporate America told me after COVID lockdown that she doesn't know how SAHMs do it. She said she loved being with her kids for a couple weeks but that she'd lose her mind if she had to do it long term, especially without her husband home helping too.

Okay but if you had these kids plus work, wouldn't it be even harder?

amother

Razzmatazz

Tue, Jul 20 2021, 1:36 am

like others said, everyones situation is different which is why sahm can be harder or easier.

if a sahm has 4 children under 5 or a lot of young children, it may be harder to be a sahm because you really dont get a break with a few really young kids. But, if a sahm sends all her kids 2 and up to playgroup etc and is only taking care of her infant, then she may have it easier than a working mom.

Most sahms I know have no kids home/send their toddlers out or have only a baby home.

But, a working mom may have it easier if her job is enjoyable/makes her fulfilled/gives her an outlet/is flexible and is not full of pressure. For example, someone I know works with a developmentally delayed adult and goes out to eat etc as the goals.

a working mom who works a high pressured job that is stressful with deadlines and "hw" to do at home etc might have it harder especially if shes not able to easily schedule appointments etc and if her job is not flexible etc.

and, not all working moms can afford cleaning help.....so this is also not the same as someone who is working but is able to afford cleaning help or a sahm that also has cleaning help...

im a working mom and yes, im jealous of the sahms I know that dont have more than one child home. (I also know one sahm said shes having a very hard time adjusting from working to taking Care of her baby)

and, I have to work on myself not to be jealous because everything is from hashem

imaima

Tue, Jul 20 2021, 1:40 am

amother [ Chestnut ] wrote:

It's not either or. I'm home, sometimes with 2 babies at a time, don't send my kids out before 3-4, almost never buy takeout and I have 3 hours of cleaning help a week.

Exactly. You need to have all identical criteria to find out the truth.

I was a SAHM with a 1 y.o. and 2 hours of cleaning help a week and a working mom with the same conditions. Working was much harder.

Last edited by imaima on Tue, Jul 20 2021, 1:57 am; edited 1 time in total