Home

Aunt of Kallah won't come to the wedding
1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 6:58 am
My DH is from a large family, and as with many such families, not everyone gets along as well as they should. He and one sister in particular are not on the best of terms. We are making a wedding for our daughter, and we invited all his siblings. They all responded that they were coming, except for this one sister who said she's not coming. When DH called her to confirm, she said no, she's not coming, and made up a flimsy excuse. Now the entire family is telling DH to call her and ask her to please come, and say he really wants her there. DH feels that he sent her an invitation which is what he did with all the other members of the family, and he doesn't need to do more. There's a lot more to this, but I'll keep it brief. My family did so much for this sister and her family, including making one of their children's shidduchim. She never thanked our family or showed any Hakoras Hatov for this match. This sister has been very spoiled by her parents, and needs everyone to cater to her. I am the first person to tell my husband when he is wrong, but I don't believe he's wrong in this case. I'd like to hear from the Imas regarding the next step of what we should do.
Back to top

amother




Lemonchiffon
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 7:01 am
If DH doesn't want to call then you can call, tell her it would mean a lot to you and to DH if she came. I don't think it is necessary but that is what I would do. Then after that I would let it go. I wold also tell her that I am setting her a seat and I hope she changes her mind.
Back to top

amother




Jasmine
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 7:02 am
Just leave it alone. It's not worth the stress.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 7:03 am
amother [ Lemonchiffon ] wrote:
If DH doesn't want to call then you can call, tell her it would mean a lot to you and to DH if she came. I don't think it is necessary but that is what I would do. Then after that I would let it go. I wold also tell her that I am setting her a seat and I hope she changes her mind.


She never called me to wish me a mazel tov, so it would be hard for me to do that.
Back to top

amother




Hosta
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 7:06 am
amother [ Jasmine ] wrote:
Just leave it alone. It's not worth the stress.

This
Back to top

amother




Lemonchiffon
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 7:14 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She never called me to wish me a mazel tov, so it would be hard for me to do that.


It is a hard phone call to make, be the better person, you can do it. After that phone call then completely let it go, you did your best and can move on and feel confident that you tried. I think that will add to your simcha at the wedding, you will not have doubts that you could have perhaps tried calling her. And when you do let it go then just give a one liner to any family member that comments to you about her not being there, say something like, "yes, it is a shame she couldn't make it", and if they respond saying you should have done something to make peace or whatever then just repeat, "yes, it is a shame she couldn't make it". Speaking from experiene with my own difficult family members and I believe this is what I would do in your place. You did start this post so just moving on at this point and ignoring the issue is not so easy, I think making the phone call will enable you to move on.
Back to top

amother




Tiffanyblue
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 7:20 am
If she's being difficult now, just imagine what she'll be like at the wedding itself. You can call if you want to, but after that, let it go. You're better off that way. Some people just can't be appeased, and twisting yourself into a pretzel will only.harm you.

I'm sorry that you have this dynamic going on, but try to focus on the joy of the wedding. Mazel tov, and may every simcha be smooth and uncomplicated.
Back to top

zaq




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 8:19 am
You did your part by sending an invitation. You have enough to do planning the wedding. If Auntie is waiting for the gratification of having the family come crawling to her begging her to make their life complete by gracing the simcha with her royal presence...let her wait. Everyone will doubtless be much happier without her there.

The reply to her flimsy excuse for not coming is "We're so sorry you won't be there but we'll imagine you there in spirit. " And then put her out of your minds.
Back to top

amother




Petunia
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 8:37 am
You fulfilled your obligations. Calling to make her feel welcome would be a great thing to do, if you (or dh) choose to do so, but you would be going beyond what you need to do.
Back to top

abound




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 8:42 am
You are right!
But much better to be smart and be the better person, so one of you make the call. It should be short and sweet and that is it.
Back to top

freilich




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 8:45 am
She's obviously not a healthy individual. Can you view her as that? If you do, that will take away the hurt of her not even calling to wish Mazel Tov.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to only call in a very parva non emotional way. Say something like how are you etc etc. Then tell her that it will mean a lot for you to have her attend. Ze Hu. No need to add any more sweet talk.

Good luck OP, and Mazel tov!!
Back to top

amother




Cognac
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 9:01 am
If she's stubborn there's not much you can do!
My mother's aunt refused to come to my wedding unless we made my grandfather's unveiling the morning of my wedding. (Aunt was my grandfather's sister.) She didn't want to have to travel twice and only wanted it THAT day, no other. My mother said no way, would be too painful for her and my grandmother. And it was my wedding day!! The aunt didn't come to the wedding. Not much you can do about people who are unreasonable and stubborn!
Back to top

amother




Fern
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 9:07 am
I would tell everyone and anyone who calls me or dh pleading for you to call auntie again that you have already called her and spoken to her and while you wish she could come you respect her answer; however, should they wish they are more than welcome to reassure her that you wish she could and would come join the simcha.
Rinse repeat.
Daven for achdus.
Focus on the kallah and your simcha.
Mazel Tov!
Back to top

naomi2




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 9:09 am
I vote for you to call and personally ask her to come. Not begging but show you are making an effort. There are so many stories in Jewish history of people waiting for the other to make the effort for shalom when they could have overcome their pride and tried just one more time. It will take 2 minutes of your day. Just call now.
Back to top

Iymnok




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 9:17 am
I think, cal her once and graciously invite her. Respect her answer even if it sounds rediculous.
Don’t get involved in the politics. Your job is to graciously invite the people important to you. Their responsibility is to accept the invitation. If they don’t, for whatever reason, it is not on you to pressure, only to welcome them.
Back to top

amother




Green
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 9:26 am
I think not going to a Simcha sets a precedent like nothing else, in a relationship. It draws the lines in a very hard place, and affects the entire family unit. I think your DH has done his share because he both invited and called. However, in the invite phone call when she said she's not coming, what was his response? Did he say how sorry he was, and how much he hoped she'd reconsider? Or did he just say, oh, sure, and act like he didn't care? Or respond in any way that it could be construed as such?

It sounds like you are dealing with a sibling with emotional issues. I have such a sibling (she is probably BPD, according to my therapist) and I walk a fine line keeping our relationship without impacting myself and my family negatively. However, I consider family to be what Hashem gave me, and I'm not ready to toss my relationship with my sibling over the fact that the same Hashem gave sibling these emotional issues.

So if your DH didn't make it clear how much he wants her to come in that phone call, I'd call again. I'd say how much I want her to come. And then I'd leave it, knowing I made my best efforts at preserving the relationship and the family unit.

I just want to also say, I have a sibling (not the one with BPD) who has other struggles, and she made a wedding sometime back. A few weeks before the wedding, I got into an argument with her totally against my own intentions - literally she was in a very sensitive state (she has had issues with the child that was getting married) and asked me something, and I answered and she didn't like my answer and interpreted it very personally. End of story, she hung up on me and refused to talk to me or answer my phone calls. It was a very painful time and I didn't know if I should go to the wedding. I literally felt like Bar Kamtza. I ended up asking a relative who is a Rav what to do, and he told me to go, put on a smile, and he promised me it would be okay. I was shaking but did what he said, went into the wedding not knowing what might happen. But my sister embraced me like there was nothing between us, and we have never discussed it since. I danced with her that night like the past few weeks could totally disappear and our relationship has continued like it never happened.

It may sound crazy, but OP, do whatever you can to keep the family whole if possible. At least know you did your best.
Back to top

amother




Blue
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 10:49 am
I would make the phone call as hard as it might be and daven to hashem that in the zechus of going the extra mile to keep shalom the new couple should have only shalom in their lives.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 2:14 pm
OP here. Thank you to all the Imas for your responses. I haven't decided yet what I'll do, but it has helped me to hear so many different opinions.
Back to top

amother




Indigo
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 4:24 pm
im like the sister of your dh. although you can belittle the sister and say shes immature or bpd or...like other posters here said, she can say the same about you....no matter what, there are 2 sides to every story and 95% theres a good reason to distance from relatives and its not bec that woman has bpd or....

clearly you dont think you did anything wrong to her and you mentioned that you did a lot of good, but the good doesnt negate the bad. to insist its nothing is dismissing your dhs sisters feelings and clearly you will never reflect and see what the sister is pained about because you make it seem like the sister is distanced fir no reason...


usually, theres a good reason for an aunt not to go to the wedding...it has to do with how dh(possible you too?) treated her, she must keep her distance....many ppl post threads about critical relatives and others say keep a distance....a sister doesnt just distance for no reason....she will not change her mind about the wedding....

but, for the future, you might want to do some introspection to see whats your dh/your role in the conflict if you really want to repair the relationship before the next wedding.
Back to top

zohar




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 20 2021, 4:37 pm
amother [ Indigo ] wrote:
im like the sister of your dh. although you can belittle the sister and say shes immature or bpd or...like other posters here said, she can say the same about you....no matter what, there are 2 sides to every story and 95% theres a good reason to distance from relatives and its not bec that woman has bpd or....

clearly you dont think you did anything wrong to her and you mentioned that you did a lot of good, but the good doesnt negate the bad. to insist its nothing is dismissing your dhs sisters feelings and clearly you will never reflect and see what the sister is pained about because you make it seem like the sister is distanced fir no reason...


usually, theres a good reason for an aunt not to go to the wedding...it has to do with how dh(possible you too?) treated her, she must keep her distance....many ppl post threads about critical relatives and others say keep a distance....a sister doesnt just distance for no reason....she will not change her mind about the wedding....

but, for the future, you might want to do some introspection to see whats your dh/your role in the conflict if you really want to repair the relationship before the next wedding.


No. That's not how it works. The party that needs grovelling on order to attend a simcha, especially if it's a pattern, they are the problem, and the rest of the family should not feel the need to twist themselves into pretzels to make them happy. It's usually counterproductive to do so. (The fact that the rest of the family is getting on op's case to placate her, strengthens my understanding of the dynamics in play.)
Back to top
1, 2  Next Recent Topics

Page 1 of 2 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Wedding Diamond ring - Reset bec doesnt fit? and it's old
by amother
5 Yesterday at 12:52 am View last post
Kallah's mother in need of sheitel
by amother
9 Sat, Sep 18 2021, 11:50 pm View last post
S/O who did you give kibbudim at wedding to?
by amother
2 Thu, Sep 16 2021, 11:32 pm View last post
Relative making a wedding and Covid vaccine required
by amother
85 Tue, Sep 14 2021, 2:42 am View last post
[ Poll ] S/o do you know anyone who made wedding requiring covid test
by amother
17 Mon, Sep 13 2021, 9:08 pm View last post