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Do you feel you've got it harder now then your parents had
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 12:37 pm
Were you happy with your upbringing?
If you have siblings did your parents treat you each the same?
Assuming you have children are you happy with your own parenting?
Do you feel you have a harder time bringing up your children today then when you were brought up?

To answer one of the questions I was not brought up in the same way as my siblings and I suffered as a result. Yet as soon as I got married I felt a breath of fresh air and felt much better within myself.

As for my bringing up my own children, at times I made and still make mistakes but my children live nearby and feel very close to us B"H.

I think being a parent now is much harder then when we were kids.

What are your experiences?
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amother




Chambray
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 12:57 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
(1)Were you happy with your upbringing?
(2)If you have siblings did your parents treat you each the same?
(3)Assuming you have children are you happy with your own parenting?
(4)Do you feel you have a harder time bringing up your children today then when you were brought up?

To answer one of the questions I was not brought up in the same way as my siblings and I suffered as a result. Yet as soon as I got married I felt a breath of fresh air and felt much better within myself.

As for my bringing up my own children, at times I made and still make mistakes but my children live nearby and feel very close to us B"H.

I think being a parent now is much harder then when we were kids.

What are your experiences?


(1)Could have been better but no major complaints that I would dwell on today . Like most people my parents are imperfect.

(2)No. They clearly had favorites and children they paid more attention to and I was not among them

(3)Same as my answer to one. As a parent I realize that there is a lot more beyond a parent's control than I thought before becoming one. I'm still proud of my self control and sacrifice for bringing up my children.

(4)Absolutely!!! What parents got away with then would never go today. Also when I grew up the winds were blowing in the direction of doing and being better than your parents. Today they no longer seem to be.

Had I grown up today and been offered the blame your parents excuse I probably would have taken it to some degree. Back then we did not know we had such options
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amother




Honeydew
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 1:11 pm
I think every generation has different challenges and one is not necessarily easier or harder than the other. They are just different.

I think I had a wonderful upbringing and I would like to say that I am doing a good job with my children as well. Maybe I am delusional on both fronts and we are all very dysfunctional or maybe I am lucky, or maybe beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

My parents were not perfect but did the best they could with the resources they had and I don’t fault them for difference in resources be it their financial standing at that time or difference in societal practices and pedological practices of the day.

I do not know if people here had horrible upbringing or if people are to quick to criticize. Both are equally possible and not only would I have no way to judge, it also wouldn’t be my place.

Wishing everyone menucha and whatever healing they need.
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amother




Violet
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 1:24 pm
I have it much easier. My parents were born in 1950's Ukraine. They faced much more hardship and had a much lower standard of living. It was also just a very harsh authoritarian culture in terms of parenting. I'm told Jewish parents were softer and spoiled their kids more than non-Jewish parents, but it was still harsher parenting than the typical UMC American.

In response to the questions:

(1)Were you happy with your upbringing? Yes, very. Not that my parents were perfect. But overall they were very very good.

(2)If you have siblings did your parents treat you each the same? Just one sibling. They didn't treat us the same because we weren't the same, but I always felt equally loved and cared for.

(3)Assuming you have children are you happy with your own parenting? It's decent. I am always trying to improve.

(4)Do you feel you have a harder time bringing up your children today then when you were brought up? My husband and I have a lot more money and we also have a lot less uncertainty to deal with. Also, I feel that a lot of things are better understood and handled these days than they used to be. Overall, I think it is much easier for us.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 1:38 pm
I actually think my parents had it way harder than I do today. They were the children of holocaust survivors and I think they truly are 2nd generation survivors. I think there was also less awareness in their days and less tolerance for imperfect parenting. There was so much judgement. They had a large family that they raised while struggling financially, with children with SN with very little of the support and infrastructure we have in the frum community today.
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amother




Hydrangea
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 1:39 pm
I definitely have it way easier than my parents. I have more information with which to understand my children and their behaviors, more tools, resources, evidence and support to lean on. Plus also other lucky factors like a better marriage, more money and less stress. My parents were lousy parents but I don’t blame them.
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amother




Charcoal
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 2:10 pm
I feel that my parents had it easier. Way less ideas of what they needed to provide. A simpler life was fine.

I am struggling much more financially and cannot afford decent health insurance which blocks my access to more resources for struggling children.

In a way, I also think it was a blessing that there was less awareness of problems and thus a greater acceptance for differences. Like kids were just the "quiet type" or not the school type, instead of the labels my children have for autism and learning disabilities. Like what good does it do to have the label if frum private schools can't offer the therapy in your IEP anyway. These labels help in the public school system so you can advocate for your kid to get services. There aren't too many services to get where I am through the schools and we are paying so much money for private help that sometimes isn't as effective as one would wish. And the labels don't help me much when the principals tell you I'm sorry we can't serve your kid and they don't really want them in the school. Yay.
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amother




Lilac
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 2:14 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
1. Were you happy with your upbringing?
2. If you have siblings did your parents treat you each the same?
3. Assuming you have children are you happy with your own parenting?
Do you feel you have a harder time bringing up your children today then when you were brought up?

To answer one of the questions I was not brought up in the same way as my siblings and I suffered as a result. Yet as soon as I got married I felt a breath of fresh air and felt much better within myself.

As for my bringing up my own children, at times I made and still make mistakes but my children live nearby and feel very close to us B"H.

4. I think being a parent now is much harder then when we were kids.

What are your experiences?


1. No
2. Generally, although my parents older children received some punishments so horrible I can't even post them here. BH that isn't the case with the younger ones.
3. I made a lot of mistakes but I am confident with the direction I am going.
4. I think it is easier today to be a parent if being a parent means connecting with children and connecting with their souls. I don't think my parents had resources available to do that, although some of my children are the same ages as my youngest siblings. On the other hand, parents today are more accountable and need to step up to the plate which can make parenting more difficult, but the reward in making your child feel safe and loved is greater than the alternative.
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Success10




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 2:16 pm
I think I have it easier today, in some ways. There is more awareness about developmental issues, and help along the way, and more parenting help. But in some ways my parents had it easier. I was raised in the US and got home from school very late as a young child, my kids here in Israel get home much earlier. Plus, we had an obnoxious amount of TVs and we just stared at them the few hours we were home. I don't have that luxury (B"H) but we do allow some videos and tablet games during vacation and Corona lockdowns.
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chocolate moose




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 5:43 pm
I don't know. it's certainly different.
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ellacoe




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 5:48 pm
I think that we are better equipped as parents than our parents were. There are more resources available to us as parents including research, classes and awareness.

However the challenges that we face as parents are far more difficult. When I was growing up alcohol and marijuana were not at all prevalent. There were no cell phones. It was harder to get into trouble than it is now and "trouble" was more innocent than it is today.
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amother




Daisy
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 5:51 pm
My parents had huge challenges and had hard. I don't think I have it easy. We each have struggles just different ones.
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amother




Cantaloupe
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 5:52 pm
My patents had tons of support and help. Their parents helped with the kids, shopping and laundry. They had cleaning help and live in babysitters on top of that. But they were abusive parents. I was treated way worse than my siblings I was their punching bag.

I’m on my own no support or help and I don’t have as much money as they did. And to top it off I have to deal with healing from trauma. I love my kids and I would do anything for them, but every day is like climbing a mountain.
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amother




Bisque
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 6:10 pm
No
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amother




Winterberry
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 7:20 pm
I'm not interested in analyzing or comparing parenting styles. That wasn't even a term till recently. But there's no question that my life has been so far B"H much much much easier than my parents. No comparison. I won't get into their childhoods and youth, let's just say they were born into poverty and leave it at that.

Did I have children who were hospitalized and nearly died in infancy? No, because BH vaccines or treatments for their illnesses became available long before my kids were born. Did I have to rely on monthly letters as my sole means of communication with my family for many years? No, because we all have phones, and by now we all have cell phones with texting capability. Did I have to live with my husband and children in my elderly parents' apartment, sleeping on a foldout couch in the living room, for several years while my husband struggled to find a job? Again no, B"H! B"H! B"H!

I also think my adult children have it harder than I did overall, though there were some hard years and a couple of very hard years. At the time my parents weren't young but they were still capable of looking after my kids when necessary. My kids don't have parents or inlaws living close enough to do that. We never had to squeeze into a tiny apt. to visit parents or inlaws the way my kids do. They run the gamut from kollel to professional but right now they all have it harder in many many ways than I did then. Just thinking about something like having to look for reliable childcare and hope it's affordable is enough to give me the screaming meemies. I survived that stage and so will they, but meantime my heart aches for them.
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amother




Lawngreen
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 7:31 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Were you happy with your upbringing?
If you have siblings did your parents treat you each the same?
Assuming you have children are you happy with your own parenting?
Do you feel you have a harder time bringing up your children today then when you were brought up?



1. No. We were beaten up and subject to a lot of verbal abuse. All in the name of chinuch.
2. No.
3. I’m not perfect but I’m a million times better than my parents
4. Yes- I take my kids to OT and speech (no one was busy with this stuff then), my mother didn’t work,
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amother




Burgundy
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 7:41 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Were you happy with your upbringing?
If you have siblings did your parents treat you each the same?
Assuming you have children are you happy with your own parenting?
Do you feel you have a harder time bringing up your children today then when you were brought up?


1) it could have been worse. My mother was loving and kind but very bad at being emotionally validating. Everything was "fine" according to her. My father was a scary dude and very, very strict with us all.
2) my mother treated us equally. My father treated the boys as much more important. Girls were good for serving food and cleaning. And cost him more money...
3) I am mostly happy with my parenting. I have areas I want to improve but bH my kids are wonderful.
4) it's a different set of challenges. I'm not sure that one way is easier/harder than another.
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amother




Winterberry
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 7:44 pm
ellacoe wrote:


However the challenges that we face as parents are far more difficult. When I was growing up alcohol and marijuana were not at all prevalent. There were no cell phones. It was harder to get into trouble than it is now and "trouble" was more innocent than it is today.


How old are you that you think the bolded? Alcohol and drugs--not just marijuana but heroin and every kind of pills--were among the top issues, along with going OTD in general and zex in particular, that had parents turning prematurely grey when I was in HS around 1970.

I wouldn't say that trouble was more innocent. Teenage zexual activity has declined somewhat since 1990, though not nearly as much as one would hope. See https://www.childtrends.org/in.....eens.

What is true is that, thanks in part to the Internet and in part to the loosening of society's standards in general, , trouble is far more easily accessible. Books, shows, "music" and films are more explicit and more violent, available 24/7, and the kids don't even have to leave the house.
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mig100




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 11:06 am
Chayalle wrote:
I actually think my parents had it way harder than I do today. They were the children of holocaust survivors and I think they truly are 2nd generation survivors. I think there was also less awareness in their days and less tolerance for imperfect parenting. There was so much judgement. They had a large family that they raised while struggling financially, with children with SN with very little of the support and infrastructure we have in the frum community today.


I agree strongly with the bolded.

I dont think their parenting was perfect. I try not to judge, considering their hardships.

I am grateful that I am raising kids now and not then. There is so much more resources, support and awareness for parents.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 11:37 am
My parents definitely had it harder. They had harder childhoods and there was much less awareness about parenting. Though I’m not sure the awareness part would’ve made a bit of a difference. I see many people parenting abusively today even though the info is out there. But definitely they started their adult lives with much more of a deficit than I did.
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