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Do you feel you've got it harder now then your parents had
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amother




Lilac
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 11:39 am
Zehava wrote:
My parents definitely had it harder. They had harder childhoods and there was much less awareness about parenting. Though I’m not sure the awareness part would’ve made a bit of a difference. I see many people parenting abusively today even though the info is out there. But definitely they started their adult lives with much more of a deficit than I did.


Whoever says this has oifgeklerte hashkafos so why look at the information?
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amother




Anemone
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 11:42 am
lawngreen when did you grow up?
I'm in my late 30s. I had speech therapy for years, my speech when I was younger was very bad. My mother did pay for the therapist to come to our house though.
I'm pretty sure two siblings had vision therapy, one had ongoing psychologist appointments. Maybe my mother was ahead of the times but she definitely tried very hard to help us anyway she could.

My mother was a single mother and we weren't easy children. She definitely had it harder.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 11:44 am
amother [ Lilac ] wrote:
Whoever says this has oifgeklerte hashkafos so why look at the information?

It’s not really just that. There are many other excuses. And there are even those who go to classes but are still completely blind to their own behavior.
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amother




Lawngreen
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 11:57 am
amother [ Anemone ] wrote:
lawngreen when did you grow up?
I'm in my late 30s. I had speech therapy for years, my speech when I was younger was very bad. My mother did pay for the therapist to come to our house though.
I'm pretty sure two siblings had vision therapy, one had ongoing psychologist appointments. Maybe my mother was ahead of the times but she definitely tried very hard to help us anyway she could.

My mother was a single mother and we weren't easy children. She definitely had it harder.


I’m 35.
Your mother was well ahead of the times.
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amother




Anemone
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 1:16 pm
ironically one sibling was sent to live by various relatives since people thought maybe other people could raise him better (spoiler alert, it failed and he returned home. he has mental illness, there's no magical cure) and I believe that there was talk about at least one other child being sent away and my mother said if you don't think I'm a good mother then you should take all my children. That got everyone to stop. My mother is an "interesting" person but there was one thing I never doubted and that was that she loved me and she really wanted the best for me.
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ellacoe




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 1:22 pm
amother [ Winterberry ] wrote:
How old are you that you think the bolded? Alcohol and drugs--not just marijuana but heroin and every kind of pills--were among the top issues, along with going OTD in general and zex in particular, that had parents turning prematurely grey when I was in HS around 1970.

I wouldn't say that trouble was more innocent. Teenage zexual activity has declined somewhat since 1990, though not nearly as much as one would hope. See https://www.childtrends.org/in.....eens.

What is true is that, thanks in part to the Internet and in part to the loosening of society's standards in general, , trouble is far more easily accessible. Books, shows, "music" and films are more explicit and more violent, available 24/7, and the kids don't even have to leave the house.


I was in HS in the 80's. I was in a frum but not BY environment. There were very few people engaged in Zexual activity. There were maybe one or two girls who were active and they were by far the minority. And in regards to marijuana or anything else it wasn't easily accesible. Back then getting it would have been an incredible ordeal. We didn't have cell phones or the internet. Those two things have made parenting much more challenging. Because of those two things kids today have a lot more access to "trouble" than we did back then.
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amother




Yolk
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 1:23 pm
My parents had much harder!

No money, no parenting skills, tiny house, many kids, small washing machine...no paper goods ever, no 9x13 pans, no extra freezer space.

We are spoiled. And we still kvetch. I think its a matter of what you are used to, and what you see everyone else has...
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 2:17 pm
I was in high school about 30 years ago.
I have no recollection of there being pupils with mental health issues and yet now it is very prevalent in high schools. Self harm and other similar subjects were unheard of amongst pupils (that I know of at least.)
Divorce rates have definitely gone up and young children and adolescents suffer in these cases.

When I was in school the worst technology families had was called a "television" if anyone now remembers them.

I feel strongly that parents have a harder time with Chinuch now.
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honeymoon




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 2:23 pm
Zehava wrote:
It’s not really just that. There are many other excuses. And there are even those who go to classes but are still completely blind to their own behavior.


But this is not a generational issue. Its more of a personality issue.

The way I see it is that at least we can be dan lekaf zechus our parents that they really didn't have access to the resources and information we have today. How do we do that to someone who is surrounded by resources and help yet doesn't make use of them? It boils down to awareness, and being unaware back in the day is more understandable than it is now.
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amother




Birch
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 3:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Were you happy with your upbringing?
If you have siblings did your parents treat you each the same?
Assuming you have children are you happy with your own parenting?
Do you feel you have a harder time bringing up your children today then when you were brought up?

To answer one of the questions I was not brought up in the same way as my siblings and I suffered as a result. Yet as soon as I got married I felt a breath of fresh air and felt much better within myself.

As for my bringing up my own children, at times I made and still make mistakes but my children live nearby and feel very close to us B"H.

I think being a parent now is much harder then when we were kids.

What are your experiences?

1. No
2. Not really
3. Yes I think I’m a great parent
4. No. I agree with the other posters that our parents had it harder being children of survivors and having fewer parenting resources. However, I’m still appalled at some of the things they did, looking back. It’s just hard for me to relate because I naturally just want to hug my kids and tell them how much I love them and spend time with them.
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Teomima




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 3:19 pm
Were you happy with your upbringing?
Yes.
If you have siblings did your parents treat you each the same?
Not the same exactly as we are all individuals and each have our own unique issues and needs. But we were all equally loved and cared for. My parents are also really good at this balance when it comes to spending time with, and helping us out, us and our families now while we're all adults with our own families.
Assuming you have children are you happy with your own parenting?
Yup. I'm not thrilled with dh but he has his own issues (as well as a more problematic childhood) but being a mom is the one thing in life that b"h I think I'm pretty great at.
Do you feel you have a harder time bringing up your children today then when you were brought up?
No, not at all. I think my parents had it much worse. Their own parents didn't know how to show them enough love and warmth and they took it upon themselves to raise their own children differently, all while each maintaining intensive and demanding careers. Then they decided to totally switch tracks on absolutely everything smack dab in the middle of their lives and we left everyone and everything we knew behind to make Aliyah. I couldn't imagine doing that (this was way before Nefesh B'Nefesh, there was next to no support for new Anglo olim). I think my parents are very brave.

In comparison, I find it quite easy. My parents set an example of a loving home and I continue that tradition with my children. My kids have most of their extended family, grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, right nearby, whereas I didn't grow up near any family. Now there's cell phones and video chat so my kids can be close to the few relatives that don't live here. Technology overall makes it easier raising children these days. I can see how some people feel pressured to have a "parenting style" these days but I never read into all that. I don't "helicopter mom" or "tiger mom" or anything, I just mom.
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amother




Honeysuckle
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 3:25 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I was in high school about 30 years ago.
I have no recollection of there being pupils with mental health issues and yet now it is very prevalent in high schools. Self harm and other similar subjects were unheard of amongst pupils (that I know of at least.)
Divorce rates have definitely gone up and young children and adolescents suffer in these cases.

When I was in school the worst technology families had was called a "television" if anyone now remembers them.

I feel strongly that parents have a harder time with Chinuch now.

I am close to your age. Yes there were issues back then. Why do you think the OTD crisis started during our day? It didn't come out of nowhere. There certainly were girls with emotional issues, mental health issues, unaddressed learning disabilities, lack of social skills, eating disorders and so on. Unaddressed bullying. Fat shaming. Body shaming (just read some of the threads here abt how mothers dealt with daughters puberty back then...or didn't.)
There were girls who had been abused back then, too.The difference was, there was a huge stigma and so much shame attached. Everything shrouded in secrecy. People didn't have the resources so they struggled or ignored it. The schools certainly ignored it or tried to deal with it by kicking out students..
You just may not have been aware of it.
Technology is not the underlying cause for all ills in society.

ETA I remember a girl in seminary telling me conversationally how she wished she could make herself throw up like all her friends in high school had done, to control her weight but "unfortunately" she couldn't get herself to stick her finger down her throat like they would do, even though she tried. She had no clue why I was horrified and told her they had an illness, had never heard of the term eating disorder let alone bulimia (which I had, probably only because I went to an oot BY which was a bit more open). And BTW I remember reading a groundbreaking book that year or the next (I guess 1995 or 1996) that mainly focused on stories of frum girls with anorexia by Rabbi Dovid Goldwasser...so yes it was out there but only a few askanim type rabbis were even acknowledging the existence of a tiny bit of the severe issues that had gone unnoticed and unaddressed.
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amother




Yolk
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 4:13 pm
I agree with both. There needs to be a balance though.

While issues existed then, if someone wanted to go OTD, there wasnt the support on social media like today.

We have come a long way. However terms like: bullying, body shaming, abuse, have become over-used. Not everyone needs a life coach, therapist, mentor, etc. Today everything has a label. And people are not necessarily happier.
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tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 4:34 pm
Parents had it much harder. Resources were so limited- financial, personal, informational. Life was so stressful.
Hashem has bentched me in so many ways.
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amother




Purple
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 12:35 pm
My parents had it way easier. They had easy kids who were quiet bookworms and excelled in school. Some of my kids have ADHD, learning disabilities, and behavior issues. My parents had more money than me, and my mom was a sahm. There was less chutzpah among kids back then, and more respect for rules. Gashmius was way less of a focus. Their marriage is better than mine. My dh’s parents had a messy divorce and it really affected his parenting and marriage in a negative way. And technology was so much simpler - my parents never had to deal with teenagers accessing filth on tiny little sd cards passed around among boys, or kids being able to secretly buy a phone with data and access unlimited horrible stuff. 😢
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amother




Honeysuckle
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 1:33 pm
I remember lots of tough (behaviorally) kids when I was young. Parents mostly dealt with it by hitting which may have worked short term but in the long run caused more issues. Probably why people nowadays go to the other extreme in raising their kids differently. Because they know bettter.
And learning disabilities didn't just start recently. But back in the day those kids were just seen as "dumb" and not given the help they needed to succeed. The "resource room" in my school was a joke. There were girls who suffered and spent most of their time cutting class and hiding in the bathroom. And failing tests, even getting left back and having to repeat a grade. One girl in my grade has suffered major dysfunction to this day because she had to repeat 6th grade and suffered severe social repercussions and academic failure that led her to making unwise life decisions.

And there are still plenty of people nowadays who "luck out" and have easygoing, bookworm types of children.

That comes down to inborn traits, it's not a generational thing.
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amother




Forestgreen
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 2:56 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Were you happy with your upbringing?
If you have siblings did your parents treat you each the same?
Assuming you have children are you happy with your own parenting?
Do you feel you have a harder time bringing up your children today then when you were brought up?

To answer one of the questions I was not brought up in the same way as my siblings and I suffered as a result. Yet as soon as I got married I felt a breath of fresh air and felt much better within myself.

As for my bringing up my own children, at times I made and still make mistakes but my children live nearby and feel very close to us B"H.

I think being a parent now is much harder then when we were kids.

What are your experiences?


I'm with you all the way. Parenting kids these days is much more challenging. Going back to when we were kids we didn't have the same if any guts to do what kids to today. Like talking back to parents , I think respect is lower than when I was a child. I teach and I see the way the kids respect adults, authority , or ect. ...0 respect! Where had this all gone? I was raised in a very traumatic environment. I think if I did to my kids what my parents did to me my kids would say goodbye and never come back again . Today we gotta be so careful with how we raise kids. kids are more delicate they act out faster ... I just don't know how to put it . But the world is definitely not how it was when I was a child. The whole Parenting system has changed too!!!
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amother




Forestgreen
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 2:56 pm
[quote="amother [ OP ]"]Were you happy with your upbringing?
If you have siblings did your parents treat you each the same?
Assuming you have children are you happy with your own parenting?
Do you feel you have a harder time bringing up your children today then when you were brought up?

To answer one of the questions I was not brought up in the

Delete
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 3:04 pm
amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:
I'm with you all the way. Parenting kids these days is much more challenging. Going back to when we were kids we didn't have the same if any guts to do what kids to today. Like talking back to parents , I think respect is lower than when I was a child. I teach and I see the way the kids respect adults, authority , or ect. ...0 respect! Where had this all gone? I was raised in a very traumatic environment. I think if I did to my kids what my parents did to me my kids would say goodbye and never come back again . Today we gotta be so careful with how we raise kids. kids are more delicate they act out faster ... I just don't know how to put it . But the world is definitely not how it was when I was a child. The whole Parenting system has changed too!!!

Well clearly the kids who were raised to be quiet little robots and raised in traumatic environments decided that it was horrible and they were going to break the cycle. Good for them. I’m happy for every child today who gets to talk back and not get the belt for it.
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amother




Birch
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 3:06 pm
amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:
I'm with you all the way. Parenting kids these days is much more challenging. Going back to when we were kids we didn't have the same if any guts to do what kids to today. Like talking back to parents , I think respect is lower than when I was a child. I teach and I see the way the kids respect adults, authority , or ect. ...0 respect! Where had this all gone? I was raised in a very traumatic environment. I think if I did to my kids what my parents did to me my kids would say goodbye and never come back again . Today we gotta be so careful with how we raise kids. kids are more delicate they act out faster ... I just don't know how to put it . But the world is definitely not how it was when I was a child. The whole Parenting system has changed too!!!

You’re right I was scared to talk back, but I didn’t respect my father, I hated him.
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