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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 2:14 pm
I need some advice about my 2.5 dd;
Dc is not interested at all in playing with other children, and when I bring her to situations with other children, she just runs away anytime a child tries to approach her and sticks by me the whole time. If I arrange a playdate she doesn't play with the child and gets very cranky. At home she is extremely talkative and playful, affectionate.

Whenever I brought it up to the Dr in the past they weren't worried, but all the other kids her age are interested in playing with others. And she's going to be starting playgroup and I'm nervous she'll be extremely miserable.
Please advise!
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amother




Springgreen
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 6:07 pm
Does she have siblings or close family that she interacts with? Does she play next to other children or show interest in what they're doing?
Is it the situation more than another child? Meaning does she get anxious in new places, people and it might not be anything to do with playing with other children. Also if she doesn't have siblings or been exposed a lot to other children, she might just not have had the opportunities.
There's specific stages to a child starting to play with other children. First they explore and play themselves, then they play next to other children, and only then will they start interacting.
She's still young enough that I wouldn't be concerned. You can support her by modelling interactions for her in play and playing games where she takes turns with another adult or child. Also remember her attention span might not be that long yet, so keep things short.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 7:59 pm
amother [ Springgreen ] wrote:
Does she have siblings or close family that she interacts with? Does she play next to other children or show interest in what they're doing?
Is it the situation more than another child? Meaning does she get anxious in new places, people and it might not be anything to do with playing with other children. Also if she doesn't have siblings or been exposed a lot to other children, she might just not have had the opportunities.
There's specific stages to a child starting to play with other children. First they explore and play themselves, then they play next to other children, and only then will they start interacting.
She's still young enough that I wouldn't be concerned. You can support her by modelling interactions for her in play and playing games where she takes turns with another adult or child. Also remember her attention span might not be that long yet, so keep things short.


Thank you for your post. She does not have siblings, and a few close relatives that she doesn't have tons of interaction with. We have neighbors her age, but she's not interested in them, if I'm talking to the mom she'll just cling to me, and if we're outside she just plays on her own.
She does get anxious in new places, and things like simchas but it's not just that. Even if it's just one other child, she avoids them.

For ex, at the playground if there's another child getting behind her to go on the slide, she'll move out of the way and let them go. If a child comes towards her, she swerves away to or runs to me. She really seems to be doing her best to avoid other children. the other day we were at the playground, initially by ourselves, then another little girl came. My dd became unhappy and asked to go home - mind you the other girl didn't even approach her. Later she told me the girl made her sad
I don't want to force her into unpleasant situations, I try every once in a while to have a playdate but she ends up in a bad mood

Can you please give some more examples of behavior to model, I'm really not sure what to do/where to turn, and nervous about how playgroup will turn out.
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paperflowers




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 8:33 pm
You can read picture books that demonstrate playing with friends. It’s a gentle way to warm her up to the idea without throwing her straight in.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 8:35 pm
paperflowers wrote:
You can read picture books that demonstrate playing with friends. It’s a gentle way to warm her up to the idea without throwing her straight in.


Love that idea! She loves reading books, looking for some right now!
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amother




Cappuccino
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 9:28 pm
Is she shy? Does she speak to people other than you/ father/ other people she is very comfortable with?

I'm thinking the best thing is not to stress over it. Bec. She will feed off of your anxiety, and be even more nervous.
Keep arranging playdates. With the same people over and over again, so she gets used to them.
Don't push her to play or socialize, let her do it at her own pace. Let her hold on to you. You are her safe space. When she knows she has a safety jet to fall back on it'll be easier for her to flex her wings.
Lable feelings for her. Let her know you understand. It makes it easier to stretch her comfort zone.
Do not excuse her behavior to other adults with labels such as shy, or anxious - it reinforces the anxiety.

Re: daycare, I think it may be a hard adjustment, and that she will get used to it, and come to enjoy it, if the morah is supportive.
Best if the morah warm and nurturing and it is a small/ homey environment.

I have a book sitting on my bookshelf, that I haven't had a chance to read yet, called the fear fix, by Sarah Chana Radcliffe. Alot of the above is advice from different books/ classes from that author, and has been very helpful with supporting my children through anxiety/extreme shyness.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 11:10 pm
amother [ Cappuccino ] wrote:
Is she shy? Does she speak to people other than you/ father/ other people she is very comfortable with?

I'm thinking the best thing is not to stress over it. Bec. She will feed off of your anxiety, and be even more nervous.
Keep arranging playdates. With the same people over and over again, so she gets used to them.
Don't push her to play or socialize, let her do it at her own pace. Let her hold on to you. You are her safe space. When she knows she has a safety jet to fall back on it'll be easier for her to flex her wings.
Lable feelings for her. Let her know you understand. It makes it easier to stretch her comfort zone.
Do not excuse her behavior to other adults with labels such as shy, or anxious - it reinforces the anxiety.

Re: daycare, I think it may be a hard adjustment, and that she will get used to it, and come to enjoy it, if the morah is supportive.
Best if the morah warm and nurturing and it is a small/ homey environment.

I have a book sitting on my bookshelf, that I haven't had a chance to read yet, called the fear fix, by Sarah Chana Radcliffe. Alot of the above is advice from different books/ classes from that author, and has been very helpful with supporting my children through anxiety/extreme shyness.


Yes, she is shy, and anxious about other things as well (gets overwhelmed easily in loud social situations like a simcha). So if I arrange a playdate, I should just sit on the couch with her while the other child is just playing with her toys?
I'm not the most intuitive person, what kind of feelings should I label - I've been trying to avoid encouraging the being scared about everything - how do I validate her if for ex she says a child made her sad, or that she doesn't like the boy/girl, when they didn't do anything to her.

She's going to a larger group, I would have ideally loved to be able to go and stay with her for an hour and bring her home, and do that a couple of times. But I doubt the morah will let...

thanks for the book suggestion, it looks like it might be helpful, will order now.
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amother




Gray
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 11:16 pm
She’s really young but you could still do some really gentle gut support, methylation support, neurotransmitter support etc to help relax her nervous system. I love the bioray kids line for that age. Magnesium oil is also really calming. Craniosacral would probably also be really beneficial, sounds like she may have an overactive vagus nerve.
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paperflowers




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 11:27 pm
At that age parallel play is completely appropriate. They don’t really play together until a little later. At this point, her being in the same space as another child playing is good. Eventually she’ll play too, but not necessarily together with the other child.
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amother




Springgreen
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 3:38 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you for your post. She does not have siblings, and a few close relatives that she doesn't have tons of interaction with. We have neighbors her age, but she's not interested in them, if I'm talking to the mom she'll just cling to me, and if we're outside she just plays on her own.
She does get anxious in new places, and things like simchas but it's not just that. Even if it's just one other child, she avoids them.

For ex, at the playground if there's another child getting behind her to go on the slide, she'll move out of the way and let them go. If a child comes towards her, she swerves away to or runs to me. She really seems to be doing her best to avoid other children. the other day we were at the playground, initially by ourselves, then another little girl came. My dd became unhappy and asked to go home - mind you the other girl didn't even approach her. Later she told me the girl made her sad
I don't want to force her into unpleasant situations, I try every once in a while to have a playdate but she ends up in a bad mood

Can you please give some more examples of behavior to model, I'm really not sure what to do/where to turn, and nervous about how playgroup will turn out.


When I talk about modelling, you are modelling the eventual interactions you'd want to see. But I think at this point you would focus on supporting her on playing alongside other children and possibly comment on their play. So, you could sit next to her (or her sitting on your lap) and start playing magnatiles. Have another child sit next to you who is also playing. You can comment on the other child in brief-look sarale, moishy has built a tall tower, should we build a tall tower.
Don't push her. I would also try to keep to the same child on playdates so she gets used to them. It's age appropriate not to be playing with other children.
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jewishmom6




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 9:47 am
She sounds very similar to my dd who in an intense HSP - highly sensitive person.

My dd is now 4 and outgrew a lot of it but she still can not be around people she is not familiar with and really really does not do well in large crowds.

She now tags along with my older daughter and loves playing with friends.
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