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Do you think you are a good parent?

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 9:02 pm
Do you think you are a good parent? Do you think you have the right approach to raising your children despite their tendency to throw tantrums or give attitude?
Please share with me your tricks, perspective, and approach.

I'm a new mom and there are things that I love about my parents' parenting and then also things I don't. My baby is going to start talking and tantrum throwing and then not listening. I know how I interact with kids. It's not at all what it ought to be.
I had a nice while as a single and read up on marriage. I had a nice wait for my baby and read up on birth. Now I know I have about a year to read up on parenting and I just don't know where to start. There's so much out there and I am skeptical of most of the info. I'm terrified of going with the wrong approach. Too many professionals have the same dysfunction I'm looking to avoid.

Primarily I just need to daven, but I'm still responsible to do my part well. Please please share if you think things run well in your home.

TIA Ladies!
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amother




Rainbow
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 9:09 pm
Start with the books by Janet Lansbury.
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amother




Seashell
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 9:31 pm
“Are your hands full” is the absolute best parenting book.
It’s $46 but my approach has changed dramatically and for the better. I’m calmer. They have feelings that I don’t take personally or react to. I’m not perfect but from the serval types of books I’ve picked up this has been the best one yet!


Highly recommend to everyone


Tantrums are normal and needed in life for children! No need to take them personally or feel lack of control. Adults still tantrum because they haven’t been able to self regulate since I’m sure their parents didn’t let them process feelings from beginning to end.

Get the book. Amazon.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 9:41 pm
Are your hands full volume one or two or both?
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amother




Seashell
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 9:43 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Are your hands full volume one or two or both?


Volume 1 is for ages 0-10. So start with that
Volume 2 is ages 11-18 which doesn’t sound like you’re anywhere near there yet!

Best book!!! I’m a much calmer mom. I still have what to work on. But overall I feel like I have guidance and a plan/reason.

Hatzlacha!
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amother




Navyblue
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 10:11 pm
I try to be a good parent. I think I'm decent enough.

I've gotten much better about yelling and being impatient. Now I think I need to be more present which is much harder emotionally
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amother




DarkGreen
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 10:19 pm
Please read Janet Lansbury. I read her books over and over when I was pregnant and not yet in the parenting and it really paid off bh.

Of course, when baby came, I knew all about positive parenting but nothing about changing diapers lol but that's possibly off topic.

Best of luck!
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amother




Broom
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 10:27 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Are your hands full volume one or two or both?

I know someone who had a very negative experience following this book. (I haven’t read it.)
I think I’m a great parent BH. But my kids are older (teens) and I honestly don’t remember how I parented when they were younger. I can give you advice that starts from day one though - I prioritize my relationship with them. And it has paid off, because we have a very close relationship.
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amother




Seashell
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 10:29 pm
amother [ Broom ] wrote:
I know someone who had a very negative experience following this book. (I haven’t read it.)
I think I’m a great parent BH. But my kids are older (teens) and I honestly don’t remember how I parented when they were younger. I can give you advice that starts from day one though - I prioritize my relationship with them. And it has paid off, because we have a very close relationship.


I mean I guess every kid is different. But the few people I spoke to that read this book all rave about it.
But we all need something else

I love how it brings in Torah perspectives. Perkal Avos. How HaShem parents us. Etc.
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lucky14




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 10:32 pm
amother [ Seashell ] wrote:
“Are your hands full” is the absolute best parenting book.
It’s $46 but my approach has changed dramatically and for the better. I’m calmer. They have feelings that I don’t take personally or react to. I’m not perfect but from the serval types of books I’ve picked up this has been the best one yet!


Highly recommend to everyone


Tantrums are normal and needed in life for children! No need to take them personally or feel lack of control. Adults still tantrum because they haven’t been able to self regulate since I’m sure their parents didn’t let them process feelings from beginning to end.

Get the book. Amazon.


What is the approach to handling tantrums? What is the best way to react to a child saying "I hate you. You're saying such mean things right now..." etc, etc. I'm just curious if I'm dealing with it the best way.
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amother




Seashell
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 10:37 pm
lucky14 wrote:
What is the approach to handling tantrums? What is the best way to react to a child saying "I hate you. You're saying such mean things right now..." etc, etc. I'm just curious if I'm dealing with it the best way.



From what I got from the book. It’s ignore their tantrum. Let them have it. Eventually they will learn to calm themselves down and once they are calm and you have a good moment the next day or so that’s when you talk about it.
“Does it feel worse when Mommy says “no” or when you lose control and say things that aren’t kind or destroy things” “it’s not nice to say mean things just because we are upset, that can hurt someone”
Basically you teach them at a later period. Not interfere with them while they are angry. As you cannot teach anyone anything when they are upset
Also your child doesn’t hate you. They just feel upset.
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lucky14




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 10:54 pm
amother [ Seashell ] wrote:
From what I got from the book. It’s ignore their tantrum. Let them have it. Eventually they will learn to calm themselves down and once they are calm and you have a good moment the next day or so that’s when you talk about it.
“Does it feel worse when Mommy says “no” or when you lose control and say things that aren’t kind or destroy things” “it’s not nice to say mean things just because we are upset, that can hurt someone”
Basically you teach them at a later period. Not interfere with them while they are angry. As you cannot teach anyone anything when they are upset
Also your child doesn’t hate you. They just feel upset.


Yeah I know he doesn't hate me. And I know I wasn't saying mean things to him either. I was saying things he didn't want me to be saying though and he wasn't happy about that. I understand from his perspective. Smile
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amother




Seashell
 

Post Wed, Jul 21 2021, 10:58 pm
lucky14 wrote:
Yeah I know he doesn't hate me. And I know I wasn't saying mean things to him either. I was saying things he didn't want me to be saying though and he wasn't happy about that. I understand from his perspective. Smile


Yeah so the book basically says. Ignore them (unless they are doing something dangerous) but if destructive ignore them and have the chinuch moment 1-3 days later.

Sounds like you’re grounded 🙂
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amother




Linen
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 12:10 am
My kids say so, I have to believe them LOL
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amother




Wandflower
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 12:44 am
No I don’t think I’m an especially good parent. Not necessarily terrible but not a candidate for Mother of the Year, either. My kids turned out rather well despite bumps along the way thanks to Chasdei Hashem, fine grandparents and probably a great teacher or three.

I do subscribe to the notion of “good enough” parenting.
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amother




Impatiens
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 12:49 am
Doesn’t matter what I think. You would have to ask my kids.
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amother




Rainbow
 

Post Thu, Jul 22 2021, 12:57 am
amother [ Seashell ] wrote:
Yeah so the book basically says. Ignore them (unless they are doing something dangerous) but if destructive ignore them and have the chinuch moment 1-3 days later.

Sounds like you’re grounded 🙂


I Don't agree with this. There's a difference between "ignore" and "remain calm but present" and it's a huge difference.

Re mommy I hate you
"you sound very upset. I didn't let you do this. You're really upset about that" (don't bother lecturing in the moment)
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