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To all those who are jealous of me
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amother




Dodgerblue
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 2:09 pm
Rappel wrote:
It means she very much likes her life with him, and she likes him managing their finances.


Does she sound like she likes it?
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amother




Caramel
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 2:11 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks for all the validation and support. Yes, over the past two years the situation has gotten much better, from complete NO's to OK buy why. with continued work and all your great ideas it will iyh go from OK buy why's to YES.


Just to inform you most couples with reasonable financial stability do not inquire with eachother at all about small or necessary purchases. Larger or unnecessary purchases are discussed.

Another question: do you question his purchases? If not maybe you should try it to let him realize how it feels.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 1:37 pm
Thanks for all the responses.
For those who asked why I think others are jealous of me, it's because my IRL are very verbal about this and are always telling me how "You make so much money", "you rake it in", "you will never understand __, because you probably have a loaded bank account", "I'm jealous of how much you make", "You can f'sure afford __, but I can't", "I envy you b/c you can probably go on vacation whenever you want. You have the finances..." etc. etc. etc.


They don't understand that there's a lot more to my story. They don't know that I don't get to spend any of it. They wouldn't believe what I'm going through....
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 1:41 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks for all the responses.
For those who asked why I think others are jealous of me, it's because my IRL are very verbal about this and are always telling me how "You make so much money", "you rake it in", "you will never understand __, because you probably have a loaded bank account", "I'm jealous of how much you make", "You can f'sure afford __, but I can't", "I envy you b/c you can probably go on vacation whenever you want. You have the finances..." etc. etc. etc.


They don't understand that there's a lot more to my story. They don't know that I don't get to spend any of it. They wouldn't believe what I'm going through....

You need new friends
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 1:43 pm
Zehava wrote:
You need new friends


you're right Crying
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 1:44 pm
amother [ Caramel ] wrote:
Just to inform you most couples with reasonable financial stability do not inquire with eachother at all about small or necessary purchases. Larger or unnecessary purchases are discussed.

Another question: do you question his purchases? If not maybe you should try it to let him realize how it feels.


I generally don't question his purchases and don't think it'll be very helpful. I did question two recent very large purchases (ranging in the thousands). He got very very upset and it was messy for a while... but I did not accomplish anything
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 1:56 pm
just to add: he only questions things that he thinks are not important, such as, more stockings (if I have 3 pairs without a hole, and can just wash laundry more often), new clothes (on ali express) for me or the kids, $20 spring jacket for myself (if old one from 3 years ago can "technically be fixed", "expensive" lingerie, the almost-never-once-in-a-while food in a restaurant, hair accessories for my little daughter, $15 shoes (if last years shoes are just a bit snug and can be stretched after a few wears), makeup (if I can really just stick in a q-tip to get out the little bit of base that's left in the bottle), "expensive" formula for the baby (when we can use a cheaper brand), "expensive" brand diapers for the baby (when the cheaper one is almost as good), etc.

His stuff are very important, such as new computers, phones, air pods, etc. (he spends a lot more than he earns.... but only on "important" stuff, because we anyways have money in the bank account.)
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amother




Stone
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 2:04 pm
What you're describing is very controlling behavior. I hope you are seeing by yourself (not together with dh) a licensed therapist who specializes in abuse.
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amother




Poppy
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 2:07 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
just to add: he only questions things that he thinks are not important, such as, more stockings (if I have 3 pairs without a hole, and can just wash laundry more often), new clothes (on ali express) for me or the kids, $20 spring jacket for myself (if old one from 3 years ago can "technically be fixed", "expensive" lingerie, the almost-never-once-in-a-while food in a restaurant, hair accessories for my little daughter, $15 shoes (if last years shoes are just a bit snug and can be stretched after a few wears), makeup (if I can really just stick in a q-tip to get out the little bit of base that's left in the bottle), "expensive" formula for the baby (when we can use a cheaper brand), "expensive" brand diapers for the baby (when the cheaper one is almost as good), etc.

His stuff are very important, such as new computers, phones, air pods, etc. (he spends a lot more than he earns.... but only on "important" stuff, because we anyways have money in the bank account.)


Sounds awful.
Put a stop to it now. He will make the kids miserable too when they are teens.
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amother




Blue
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 2:11 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
just to add: he only questions things that he thinks are not important, such as, more stockings (if I have 3 pairs without a hole, and can just wash laundry more often), new clothes (on ali express) for me or the kids, $20 spring jacket for myself (if old one from 3 years ago can "technically be fixed", "expensive" lingerie, the almost-never-once-in-a-while food in a restaurant, hair accessories for my little daughter, $15 shoes (if last years shoes are just a bit snug and can be stretched after a few wears), makeup (if I can really just stick in a q-tip to get out the little bit of base that's left in the bottle), "expensive" formula for the baby (when we can use a cheaper brand), "expensive" brand diapers for the baby (when the cheaper one is almost as good), etc.

His stuff are very important, such as new computers, phones, air pods, etc. (he spends a lot more than he earns.... but only on "important" stuff, because we anyways have money in the bank account.)


Op, you need guidance as to how to deal with this. This is controlling behavior and he should not be making big purchases and not allowing you to make small ones. Most spouses trust each other. If I go out and buy several pairs of stockings, he will trust I need those. If I was to want to make a big purchase, I would consult him first, and he would do the same in return. Exactly what is defined as large/small purchases varies with each couple and their budget.
Insisting on wearing worn out or outgrown clothes/shoes is not typical, especially at the sort of prices you're talking about.
I hope you have real life support and I just want to say that you are worthy and you do deserve to be able to spend money on basic things.
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amother




Forsythia
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 2:11 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
just to add: he only questions things that he thinks are not important, such as, more stockings (if I have 3 pairs without a hole, and can just wash laundry more often), new clothes (on ali express) for me or the kids, $20 spring jacket for myself (if old one from 3 years ago can "technically be fixed", "expensive" lingerie, the almost-never-once-in-a-while food in a restaurant, hair accessories for my little daughter, $15 shoes (if last years shoes are just a bit snug and can be stretched after a few wears), makeup (if I can really just stick in a q-tip to get out the little bit of base that's left in the bottle), "expensive" formula for the baby (when we can use a cheaper brand), "expensive" brand diapers for the baby (when the cheaper one is almost as good), etc.

His stuff are very important, such as new computers, phones, air pods, etc. (he spends a lot more than he earns.... but only on "important" stuff, because we anyways have money in the bank account.)


Wow op I'm so sorry!! This is SO controlling. Disgusting behaviour to spend on himself and limit your spending on what you find important (diapers etc) seriously he's an absolute jerk, sorry I'm angry at him. You need to sort this out ASAP. It's NOT OK!!! And you make more money than him, but thats not even the point here. You need to take charge more, open your own bank account and have your boss put everything there. You decide how to spend it. Sheesh. Big hugs
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faigie




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 2:27 pm
Lady, enough is enough. Go to the bank, and take out what you need. If he yells, let him. Don’t get caught up in his drama. You look him straight in the face, and answer him, that the crappy diapers aren’t holding in the poop. He doesn’t like it? Too bad. No one died and made him king. There is no law that says that his opinion rules. You do you.
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amother




Camellia
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 2:39 pm
You are being abused. Your children will be abused if you don’t stop this ASAP. Go to a new bank open a new bank account and deposit your paychecks . Move out of the house find a new place or with your parents first. Maybe dh will get the message and realize he can’t control you anymore. This is so infuriating. If I was your mother I would go over there and teach dh that he can’t touch the money and indulge himself and keep you in a leash. What the H. Do you understand?? I’m so sorry for you but it seams he brainwashed you and you are under his control. It is so sad. It’s not about your jealous girlfriends. It’s about you and dh
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amother




Seashell
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 3:02 pm
Honey. No one is jealous of you.

Sometimes when people are in compromised situations their brains, in an attempt to cope with the situation at hand, will come up with distorted versions of how society sees them.

It seems like your brain is playing tricks with you.

You know you're being manipulated and that you're worth more than this but it is too hard to face. So instead your brain is making you think...

(Real thought; I better run from this man. I deserve better than this.)

Coping mechanism;
He is getting better. This isn't so bad.

Coping mechanism;
His rabbi therapist or whoever is saying he is getting better. It is very slow but that's normal. No?

(Real thought; He is stripping me of my basic human rights)

Coping mechanism;
Uh oh. It is just because I'm earning a ton and therfore he has what to manipulate me with so its not so bad.

(Real thought; I'm in a terrible place and I'm afraid what he will do if I leave. Also, what will society say when they hear that I left him?)

Coping mechanism;
Uh oh! I can't be in such a bad place. Look! People are even jealous of me. You hear? Jealous!
This means it can't be so bad.


OP please stop using the coping mechanism and face the music.
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amother




Papayawhip
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 3:11 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
just to add: he only questions things that he thinks are not important, such as, more stockings (if I have 3 pairs without a hole, and can just wash laundry more often), new clothes (on ali express) for me or the kids, $20 spring jacket for myself (if old one from 3 years ago can "technically be fixed", "expensive" lingerie, the almost-never-once-in-a-while food in a restaurant, hair accessories for my little daughter, $15 shoes (if last years shoes are just a bit snug and can be stretched after a few wears), makeup (if I can really just stick in a q-tip to get out the little bit of base that's left in the bottle), "expensive" formula for the baby (when we can use a cheaper brand), "expensive" brand diapers for the baby (when the cheaper one is almost as good), etc.

His stuff are very important, such as new computers, phones, air pods, etc. (he spends a lot more than he earns.... but only on "important" stuff, because we anyways have money in the bank account.)


There is nothing on this list that falls into the category of not important besides for air pods, new computers and new phones. Having to squeeze into shoes, make jackets last as long as possible, scrape out the last makeup, not buy more stockings etc.. when you aren't poor is straight up abuse.
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scintilla




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 3:17 pm
I just want to chime in to say that we struggle to make ends meet each month, live very very simply, and my husband (primary breadwinner) would never ever question me buying anything you mentioned, OP (yes even Huggies diapers for example). Please know those things are basics and your needs are important.
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 3:50 pm
OP, do you want the situation to change?

If so, what stands in your way of taking steps to change it by protecting your earnings and not allowing him to determine what you're "allowed to spend?"
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amother




Vermilion
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 4:14 pm
amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:
Administration at this point.


Then that's not chinuch.
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amother




NeonYellow
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 4:32 pm
I can't stop crying.your post is describing all my childhood Crying Crying .I was sure there isn't another monster like my father.Your life with him will always be "hell" for you and the children.If you divorce he will be force by the law to give you money. Be strong and don't stay with him .(I was the daughter of the richest men dressed like a shlumpy) Hug Hug
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post Sun, Jul 25 2021, 5:30 pm
I don’t like to post on shalom bayis threads, but your last post really changed things and tugged at my heart strings. That is straight up financial abuse. To buy new AirPods and iPhones and then question your wife’s basic purchases is NOT in any way normal or ok. You are already in a good position to stop it because you are the breadwinner. Please seek guidance from a professional or rav.
ETA my husband has a tendency to be anxious about spending money. What you are describing is completely different. If he has no problem buying expensive technology and gets annoyed at you questioning it but then questions your diaper purchases, that is NOT anxiety about spending! That is controlling. It needs professional intervention.
The money that I earn is spent/saved at my discretion.
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