Update p7: To all those who are jealous of me

amother

Lightblue

Sun, Jul 25 2021, 5:48 pm

amother [ NeonYellow ] wrote:

I can't stop crying.your post is describing all my childhood Crying

.I was sure there isn't another monster like my father.Your life with him will always be "hell" for you and the children.If you divorce he will be force by the law to give you money. Be strong and don't stay with him .(I was the daughter of the richest men dressed like a shlumpy) Hug

I just want to comment on him giving the money in case of divorce part. Not necessarily in this case as it seems that the wife earns more than the husband.
This is completely off topic and shouldn't be the deciding factor in the decision to divorce, obviously.

Kelly43

Sun, Jul 25 2021, 6:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I just want to share some insight to all those who are jealous of me (and there are many);
Yes, I know, not many women my age make so much money keh.
You all look at me in envy every time the topic of finances comes up.
You think I live the life of a party.
My dear friends, I don't rake it in and enjoy the benefits.
You talked about needing to scrimp every dollar- you thought I don't understand. Oh! how I did.
When we went out together, I just ordered myself a drink and you wondered why. NO. I was in the mood of that yummy pasta, I did want to order myself some salad too.
You didn't know why I got so excited when you returned $10 you owed me from way back when we were in high school. like, c'mon, you make that kind of money in 5 minutes of work.

Yes, I do earn an income that I am very grateful for. Yes, I do thank Hashem for the nice amount I have in my savings account.
But due to my circumstances, the money is out of reach to me. It "belongs" to my husband. Every dollar I spend goes through the "approval" process of him allowing me to spend the money.

No, he usually doesn't limit the amount I spend or say no. But, every dollar must be accounted for. I must explain why I need it, why so much, why it's important, etc.

Upon approval, I must be extra thankful for being allowed to spend the money. be it a few dollars, it was a great favor indeed.

So my friend, you wonder, why do I not want to buy anything at the 70% off sale? Well, I do want. I want so badly. However, even after the discount, a basic outfit would cost about $40. That's expensive for my husband.

Dear workmates, you know I "rake it in" and can't understand why I only shop on AliExpress. I do like the local shops, but that again is "way too expensive".

I just placed an order. I got myself a new winter wardrobe (I was never this size before and cannot use my clothes from previous seasons). I also ordered jackets for myself and my children, pajamas, and shoes for myself and my daughter. My total was $170.

WOW! How I am such a big spender. How I order so much. How I don't value the money. But my spouse is so nice and let me do it either way.

I have more to write, but will not waste more of your time.

I just wanted to vent and don't need you to tell me that my husband is a control freak, financial abuser, that I should go for therapy or get divorced.

Why do you think I'm jealous, why are you not both on the same page??

A_Mother_First

Sun, Jul 25 2021, 6:56 pm

I am so sorry for what you are going through, OP. It seems as though on some level you do want to seek validation and a reality check that your situation is not normal, rather than just vent. And while there is a part of you that is still in denial, there is another part of you that is awakening, and very much desire change. You do not really need us to tell you that what your husband does is abusive. You have been suspecting it for some time. Being in an abusive situation makes you doubt your own sanity over time though. He may be feeling very insecure not just about money, but about himself and his role as a provider. Unfortunately, though, just giving him Chizuk that you accept him as he is, is unlikely to work. It sounds like it is not by sheer luck that you are more successful than he is. You are likely more intelligent and/or talented, and this is threatening to him. He is surrounding himself with expensive gadgets to feel good about himself, and radiate to his surrounding that he is a real business owner, but you know the truth, and he cannot fool you...So his only measure of power is by trying to control you, and every dollar that you spend. it makes him feel a tiny bit better about himself. Please get help for your benefit and your children. You are still very young and you have your whole life ahead of you. I am not saying divorce or leave, as this is premature, but change is in order. If he gets his own help too and changes, and if the two of you get some marriage counseling when the time is right, perhaps you can eventually have a happy life together. But changing himself is HIS responsibility. You can't be responsible for his happiness. You can only be responsible for your own attitudes, reactions and the decisions that you make on behalf of you and your children. We are here to support you as you go through this journey. Hatzlacha Raba!!

amother

Sun, Jul 25 2021, 8:27 pm

chestnut wrote:

OP, what happens if you buy whatever you think you need for yourself and the kids, without asking him or despite his "allowances"?
Was he like this the whole time or it worsened at some point?
Is his control only financial? Are you free to talk and meet with your friends and family whenever you want?

Nothing happens, he just makes me feel silly for every dollar I spend...

He was totally controlling the $ I spent right after we married. BH it did not worsen. it got much better. In the past, e/t was a "no". Slowly, it became "ok, but why?"... with continued work, it'll iyh be yes (and no why)

I used to ask before every cc swipe, but now I only ask about some stuff.... with time, I hope not to ask about anything (aside for very large purchases...)

In the beginning, he would question everything and comment on every charge on the cc statement. Now, he only questions and comments on some stuff. We are BOTH working hard. soon, he will hopefully stop questioning and commenting on a/t.

I don't discuss it with my friends. (they're big yentas)... they would be shocked, as they're always telling me how jealous they are of my income....

chestnut

Sun, Jul 25 2021, 9:01 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What would happen if you stopped asking him at all and when he questioned the cc statement charges, you matter of factly said "I/kids needed new shoes/jacket/clothes"? Then just tune him out.

amother

Papayawhip

Sun, Jul 25 2021, 9:04 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So ignore him. You need to live like a normal person. It's not normal to think 30 times before buying yourself lunch with friends when you can afford it. It's not normal not to buy makeup and scrape out the last drop. You need to have more self respect for yourself and just live. And think about the kids if they see both of you have such unhealthy spending habits they will end up with money issues.

amother

DarkRed

Sun, Jul 25 2021, 10:24 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How do your friends know your income? Do you think they are jealous because of the way you look/thing you have? Is he controlling you because you have different beliefs about saving vs spending? I'm asking this because we don't know your background but I know women who are spendthrifts and the men are worried about future financial security and instead of healthy communication it is a constant power struggle because they are not on the same page.

amother

Olive

Sun, Jul 25 2021, 10:57 pm

Not to minimize however the key may be to not let him make you feel silly. Clarify and strengthen yourself with or without help so that you are firm in your beliefs and actions- make a budget and/or plan proactively and stick with it no matter what he says. Sweetheart ya gotta find a way to change up the dance. You gotta change the dynamics. Don’t tell don’t discuss don’t let yourself listen or be vulnerable. It’s not a good or healthy power balance you are describing
Hatzlocha

amother

Sun, Jul 25 2021, 11:07 pm

amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:

you asked very good questions.
How do your friends know your income? they don't know exact amounts. they actually think I make in the 60k range, but my job is "considered" a well-paying job. (they make between 1k-3k a month and work more hours than I do)
Is he controlling you because you have different beliefs about saving vs spending? We both believe that saving is a good idea, however, he only sees my spending as "overspending" and his spending is only on "necessities".

amother

Midnight

Mon, Jul 26 2021, 2:30 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Why do you allow him to dictate to you in this abnormal fashion? I cannot understand it. What hold does he have over you?

amother

Poppy

Mon, Jul 26 2021, 3:00 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Your friends are socially off. Or they are trying to give you a message.

If they earn so little, they are pretty much living in poverty (unless their dhs have very well paying jobs). But in any case, it's rather odd to constantly tell a friend that she is 'raking it in'. I do suspect maybe they are trying to tell you that you have enough money to be able to spend.

In any case, your friends are not the issue here at all. The issue is that you are allowing yourself to live in a financial dictatorship. Get yourself out of there. If you were a dependent SAHM it would be more complicated to do so. But as a working woman? Tell your dh you don't have the patience to be cross-examined on every purchase, and that you are no longer showing him your credit card bills.

I am not sure I would advise splitting accounts, as others suggested. IF he starts insisting on splitting household expenses too (rent, electricity) it could get messy. I can see a man like that starting to yell when a kid turns on a light.

amother

Sienna

Mon, Jul 26 2021, 3:10 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks for all the validation and support. Yes, over the past two years the situation has gotten much better, from complete NO's to OK buy why. with continued work and all your great ideas it will iyh go from OK buy why's to YES.

Yes! Op I’ve been in this position and although things aren’t perfect, my husband now is happy when I buy myself stuff. I’m not a spender at all, so the difference when I get something is noticeable. He’s even managed to budget a couple of dollars to buy me something from the bakery twice a month. That’s HUGE for him and he is desperately trying to show he’s trying. You can get there! It’s already improving and yeah it takes time, but things can get better. You’re doing a great job!

amother

Poppy

Mon, Jul 26 2021, 3:24 am

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

I'm happy you are happy and things are improving.

Do you work? Does he work? Are you living in poverty?

It does seem very extreme to think it's generous budgeting to buy a pastry twice a month. (Unless you truly are living hand to mouth).

amother

Sienna

Mon, Jul 26 2021, 3:51 am

amother [ Poppy ] wrote:

No one said anything about him being generous or me being happy. Don’t misconstrue and add to what I’m saying. It’s a huge huge improvement for a guy like this yes, but I’m not in any way saying that’s called generous. I don’t appreciate being called “very extreme”, that was really unwarranted and extremely hurtful. There’s no need for name calling.

amother

Sun, Nov 07 2021, 8:56 pm

Hi. This thread is old, but wanted to update...
B"H B"H B"H I'm in a much better place now. (with lots of work and siyata dishmaya)

Things started going uphill when my husband started doing well at his job bh. As soon as he started making money, he stopped looking at how much I spend and stopped complaining about general basic expenses.

I will not say that everything is perfect and we don't have ups and downs... but I will say that I spent more money over the past few months than I did in the past. I bought myself some new clothes as well as other accessories I wanted and it came with little or no arguing bh.

Just want to tell everyone out there going through a similar situation that there is hope.