Update p7: To all those who are jealous of me

amother

Gold

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 12:11 pm

Quote:

I just wanted to vent and don't need you to tell me that my husband is a control freak, financial abuser, that I should go for therapy or get divorced.

I wasn't going to tell you that your dh is a financial abuser or control freak, I wanted to ask why are you choosing this way of life?

amother

Gold

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 12:21 pm

Also, if you're not driving around in a luxury car, or wearing expensive clothes and splurging left and right, how would you think everyone is jealous of you? Is it the norm to share your paycheck details amongst friends nowadays?

amother

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 4:10 pm

Hi!
Thanks for all the responses. I really appreciate all the sympathy, hugs, etc.
For those asking if I chose this way of life, NO.
For those asking if my dh grew up poor, NO, his parents are pretty well off.
For those asking about my husband's income, he is self-employed and has some good seasons and some bad ones. During good months he can make up to 5-6k, but sometimes he doesn't make any money.

(ETA: I make about 10k a month)

Amother Camellia quoted:

amother [ Camellia ] wrote:

Op once you put your foot down you will see that the lion dh becomes a mouse. From experience. Just low self esteem men treat their wives that way.

You're probably right. A lot of it is most likely due to low self-esteem. He feels rather silly after not making any money a whole month and only investing $$ in his business without seeing the profit.

I tried convincing my husband to find a steady job with steady income as I believe he would feel better about himself if he would bring home a check monthly, but he refuses....

For those who did tell me to get divorced (although I asked not to)... the reason I am not leaving is because we are working on it and over the years it did get MUCH MUCH better bh. It's not great, but it has been MUCH WORSE in the past. I am hoping that with continued work it will continue getting better and we will live together happily.

doodlesmom

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 4:58 pm

OP maybe you don’t make as much as you think? Maybe life is expensive and that is that.
You said in a good month your husband makes $5-6k which seems to imply that you think that’s a nice amount for a month. But really a Yiddish family eats up that amount very quickly.

How much more do you earn that you think there is money for extras?

amother

cornflower

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 5:06 pm

OP I know the feeling.
Our situations are kind of reversed (my husband spends freely while I badger him to be careful) but when I'm in a mood I could also write a post painting him as a selfish irresponsible jerk and people would be telling me to divorce him.

Then in a different post I could write about how loving, caring and considerate he is and how crazy attracted we are to each other.

Life is complicated, love is complicated, marriage is complicated. Hatzlachah to you in figuring it out and good for you for working on it and making things better.

amother

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 5:07 pm

doodlesmom wrote:

That's nice for my husband....
I make upward of 10k a month and our expenses are quite low. we are a small family, paying under 2k/ month for rent, don't own/lease a car...

CPenzias

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 5:13 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I wish I can, but my husband doesn't allow me to do that....

Does he have to know? I did it. My 33rd birthday I opened an account. I'm 38 now. My husband is still not thrilled but too bad. My paycheck gets direct deposit into our joint account and anything else I keep. (Hebrew school, tutoring etc)

doodlesmom

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 5:14 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That's nice for my husband....
I make upward of 10k a month and our expenses are quite low. we are a small family, paying under 2k/ month for rent, don't own/lease a car...

Seems like you are comfortable in your current financial status, but definitely not in the jealous bracket….

In any case, I would come up with a monthly amount say $200 and tell your husband that you need $200 a month for personal spending without a cheshbon, so that you can continue being mentally healthy.

And never give a din vcheshbon on those $200.

amother

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 5:19 pm

doodlesmom wrote:

I wish you were my irl friend. My friends don't know exactly how much I make, most of them estimate 50-60k a year and they are OH SO JEALOUS! Always complaining how I must be "Raking it in"...
I am very young and most women in my circles either teach and make under 1k a month or work in an office and earn just above minimum wage.

I like your idea though. thank you

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 7:25 pm

Op, I work on chinuch and make more then you , with summers off.
If your husband is making only 60,000 a year combined with your salary, this is really not in wealthy territory for a frum family.
Not sure what they’re jealous of, but with that type of yearly income, you definitely need to budget

amother

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 7:29 pm

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

I have summers off too. My husband doesn't make close to 60k a year. (6k is a great month for him, sometimes he's at 0 a month)

They're jealous b/c 10k a month is considered nice for women my age (I'm very young) and in my circles there isn't much potential for working women. My friends earn 1k-3k/ month.

Also, expenses at my stage in life are quite low. Small family, I don't have school age children yet.

amother

Caramel

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 7:37 pm

OP please dont let these women down talk you. 10k a month is a very nice salary for a young lady in her 20s with a young family. (and even for an older lady). That's about 160k I assume (pretax). Plus his 60k so your bringing in about 220k pretax? For a young family still renting that is a beautiful income. You should not be needing to count every penny and buy only on sale etc.

Since you are young you need to learn to assert yourself in your marriage. This is not being a bad wife. Your husband is not bad but you are enabling him to be financially controlling which is not healthy. You need to communicate more on this topic as painful as it is until you reach a better way of handling finances. Good luck!

amother

Papayawhip

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 7:38 pm

Are you sure anyone is jealous? Maybe they just comment because it doesn't make sense to them that you never buy food or clothing. I don't think age matters, income varies based on skills, experience and job, people can make more than that at young ages. And even in chassidish circles there are opportunities to make more money, so I'm confused about all that.

amother

Caramel

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 7:41 pm

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

I find your post condescending. And if I recognize your style correctly you have a PhD and dont work in "chinuch" in the way most people understand it.

amother

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 7:51 pm

amother [ Caramel ] wrote:

thanks for the intro, I appreciate that:)

just to clarify: I make approx 10k a month or slightly above, but dont work summers. (total is a bit above 100k)
my husband does NOT make 60k a year. if u see my post, he makes 5-6k in a real good month. sometimes he doesn't make any $. total yearly for him is abt 20k.

to reinforce what you said. it is nice income. I am in my very low 20's. with a young family and still renting for under 2k (quite a bit under 2k for that matter).

doodlesmom

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 8:35 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Very nice that you make this income at such an early stage in your life gfu.

Just make sure to assert yourself in your marriage more. You deserve it.

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 8:52 pm

amother [ Caramel ] wrote:

I find your post condescending. And if I recognize your style correctly you have a PhD and dont work in "chinuch" in the way most people understand it.

Not sure what you find condescending, I’m giving op a reality check that I doubt people are “jealous” of her wealth.
Nope, don’t have a PhD though I wish I did.
I’m in as complete chinuch as it comes

losingweight

Thu, Jul 22 2021, 9:41 pm

Seems to me your husband is young and has an immature opinion of money. He feels like if he controls it, it'll somehow increase and save itself. He needs to learn that money is earned to live with. If you are gifted more money FROM HASHEM, you are allowed to use it. Parnassa is from himmel. Maybe use a system where you divide the money in 3. A third for bills, a third for household use and a third for savings. If he will see the savings account grow he might lossen up. Hatzlacha.