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To all those who are jealous of me
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amother




Midnight
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 12:43 am
By the way, if you think halacha says that your dh owns all your money and that's why you need his permission, maybe you should ask a rav because I don't think it works that way when you're the one who's mainly supporting the family, in fact I think it's the opposite. And it's certainly morally and hashkafically wrong for him to so dictate when you are working hard making the bulk of the parnassah in the household.

All you need for a bank account is ID. Go down to the bank and open your account yesterday. He doesn't even have to know about it. Sometimes when husbands are immature, it's better for them not to know everything.
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amother




Electricblue
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 1:30 am
amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:
Op, I work on chinuch and make more then you , with summers off.
If your husband is making only 60,000 a year combined with your salary, this is really not in wealthy territory for a frum family.
Not sure what they’re jealous of, but with that type of yearly income, you definitely need to budget

You work in Chinuch and make more than 10k/month? Teacher here 🙋‍♀️ Can you elaborate?
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amother




Seafoam
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 1:32 am
Administration at this point.
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amother




Electricblue
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 1:33 am
In your early 20s?
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Learning




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 2:38 am
Op. What is the budget that you want to have? Does dh spend more than you? Why aren’t you a team? I don’t understand the whole attitude that he doesn’t let you?? It has to be the other way around. You are in charge of the household. He needs to get out and make money or go to school or yeshiva. He has too much time on his hands to get in your business and drive you crazy. If you let it go on it will just get worse.
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Raisin




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 6:54 am
amother [ Midnight ] wrote:
What? If you're the one making the money, why on earth do you need his approval?! Take back your power, girl.


Financial abuse is not ok even if a woman is a SAHM.

I'm sorry OP. I hope you can figure out a way to make your life better.
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Raisin




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 7:33 am
I agree that you should make a monthly discretionary budget (for both of you, if necessary.) that you do not have to account for.
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amother




Bronze
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 7:57 am
BUDGET BUDGET BUDGET

You need a "discretionary" budget but more then that you need to figure out
your monthly budget;
if your making 10k a month and low expenses and have a stable salary while his fluctuates I would say all his money goes straight to savings (down payment ect.)
10k is enough for a young family to live comfortably if its managed correctly (including a 200$ "slush fund for you.

monthly budget looks like this:
rent -
food-
insurance-
cars-
clothing (you save set amount every month so that when you do seasonal shopping it doesn't
sink you)
yomtov/vacation fund -
gifts
phones/internet-
childcare
slush fund
you'll be happy because you will be able to allow yourself more
he'll be happy because he will see his income growing into substantial saving

win win
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amother




Butterscotch
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 8:25 am
I'm so glad to hear that you are very young OP, because then you have a lot of hope for your situation to change!
Do you have a clear budget yet? Will dh be on board with making one?
You might have to try to get to the bottom of why he "doesn't let" you spend any money.
Have you ever tried to stand up for yourself in this area? What happens when you do?
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Learning




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 10:31 am
How much savings do you have and what is YOUR goal fir spending and saving? Besides that you are a free person you are not in jail. You are responsible and can work as a team with dh snd not be put on a leash
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 10:35 am
Thanks for all the validation and support. Yes, over the past two years the situation has gotten much better, from complete NO's to OK buy why. with continued work and all your great ideas it will iyh go from OK buy why's to YES.
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 10:40 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks for all the validation and support. Yes, over the past two years the situation has gotten much better, from complete NO's to OK buy why. with continued work and all your great ideas it will iyh go from OK buy why's to YES.


I hope so. It sounds like it's more emotional than middos which as has been said is much better material to work with. As you continue, make sure you spend in a way that doesn't make you feel deprived but is also responsible. It's so natural to go to extremes when reacting to challenging situation.
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amother




Firebrick
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 11:57 am
Op I just want to give you cchizzuk.

I was in a similar place. Not exactly as severe but we would have lots of arguments about money. My dh screaming, crying breaking down. And of course it was all me who was overspending Mad. Before I would buy anything that was not absolutely necessary I would wait for a good time and ask. And hope for the best… Crying

With a lot of therapy and work on myself I learnt that this was not ok and I learned that it’s ok to spend money on things and I am not a crazy spender. I learnt the line “this is what Hashem gave me money for” I learned to disengage and his crying/screaming fits about money had to do with him and not me. And guess what? They stopped!!

I still have to watch my spending. And when the credit card gets high, or our income dips, I see my dh’s anxiety rising… but we have come miles.

And I have done some very overdue work in my house (nothing major just stuff that had to be done!)

The first time my dh used my line (that’s what Hashem gave us money for) I was elated. I thanked Hashem for my nes!

Op- I’m not saying my story is your story or my other is your path, but you did say it’s getting better. So I want to give you chizzuk that it can get even better and you can get out of this hard place iyh!!
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amother




Daphne
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 12:52 pm
10k a month is nice, but I don’t see it as “jealous income” territory. We Bh save approximately 10k a week. We also don’t talk about money to our peers because we are so far ahead of them. So we wouldn’t put them in the position of feeling jealous of us. I didn’t read all 5 pages, but if your husband is that controlling, you should have your paychecks be direct deposited into a separate bank account under your name - if possible.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 12:54 pm
losingweight wrote:
Seems to me your husband is young and has an immature opinion of money. He feels like if he controls it, it'll somehow increase and save itself. He needs to learn that money is earned to live with. If you are gifted more money FROM HASHEM, you are allowed to use it. Parnassa is from himmel. Maybe use a system where you divide the money in 3. A third for bills, a third for household use and a third for savings. If he will see the savings account grow he might lossen up. Hatzlacha.


And also a monthly amount of ME money - that can be spent as the spouse pleases with
NO din v'cheshbon.
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amother




Royalblue
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 1:01 pm
amother [ Daphne ] wrote:
10k a month is nice, but I don’t see it as “jealous income” territory. We Bh save approximately 10k a week. We also don’t talk about money to our peers because we are so far ahead of them. So we wouldn’t put them in the position of feeling jealous of us. I didn’t read all 5 pages, but if your husband is that controlling, you should have your paychecks be direct deposited into a separate bank account under your name - if possible.


Omg - it’s not a contest. She’s pretty comfortable for her age group.
It’s a little weird to say that she thinks people are jealous but no need to get specific.
My husband also makes really good money but it’s not a contest of who has a more “jealous” income 🙄
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amother




Stone
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 1:42 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks for all the validation and support. Yes, over the past two years the situation has gotten much better, from complete NO's to OK buy why. with continued work and all your great ideas it will iyh go from OK buy why's to YES.


OP, are you seeing a licensed therapist? Why do you have to ask him for money? There should be no asking at all so something seems off with the help you're getting.

For now at least, can your rav tell him that you must have for yourself xx amount of money per month (not weekly to avoid needing to ask for it so often), no questions asked what you're doing with it? You can save that money or you can use it whichever way you like.

Then a capable licensed therapist should help with the rest.
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amother




Daphne
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 1:44 pm
amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:
Omg - it’s not a contest. She’s pretty comfortable for her age group.
It’s a little weird to say that she thinks people are jealous but no need to get specific.
My husband also makes really good money but it’s not a contest of who has a more “jealous” income 🙄


I totally agree with you. I’m just wondering why she would think that peers would be jealous of her especially if she is living so far below her means.
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amother




Dodgerblue
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 2:06 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I just want to share some insight to all those who are jealous of me (and there are many);
Yes, I know, not many women my age make so much money keh.
You all look at me in envy every time the topic of finances comes up.
You think I live the life of a party.
My dear friends, I don't rake it in and enjoy the benefits.
You talked about needing to scrimp every dollar- you thought I don't understand. Oh! how I did.
When we went out together, I just ordered myself a drink and you wondered why. NO. I was in the mood of that yummy pasta, I did want to order myself some salad too.
You didn't know why I got so excited when you returned $10 you owed me from way back when we were in high school. like, c'mon, you make that kind of money in 5 minutes of work.

Yes, I do earn an income that I am very grateful for. Yes, I do thank Hashem for the nice amount I have in my savings account.
But due to my circumstances, the money is out of reach to me. It "belongs" to my husband. Every dollar I spend goes through the "approval" process of him allowing me to spend the money.

No, he usually doesn't limit the amount I spend or say no. But, every dollar must be accounted for. I must explain why I need it, why so much, why it's important, etc.

Upon approval, I must be extra thankful for being allowed to spend the money. be it a few dollars, it was a great favor indeed.

So my friend, you wonder, why do I not want to buy anything at the 70% off sale? Well, I do want. I want so badly. However, even after the discount, a basic outfit would cost about $40. That's expensive for my husband.

Dear workmates, you know I "rake it in" and can't understand why I only shop on AliExpress. I do like the local shops, but that again is "way too expensive".

I just placed an order. I got myself a new winter wardrobe (I was never this size before and cannot use my clothes from previous seasons). I also ordered jackets for myself and my children, pajamas, and shoes for myself and my daughter. My total was $170.

WOW! How I am such a big spender. How I order so much. How I don't value the money. But my spouse is so nice and let me do it either way.

I have more to write, but will not waste more of your time.

I just wanted to vent and don't need you to tell me that my husband is a control freak, financial abuser, that I should go for therapy or get divorced.


It’s hard for people struggling financially to feel sorry for someone who makes a lot just because she chooses to allow her husband to control how much she spends. You can easily put your foot down and not turn over all your income to him. I’d say get therapy and learn to be assertive and to be treated respectfully and like a partner, and then you can control what you do with at least some of the money you bring in, poor people don’t have that option.
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amother




Dodgerblue
 

Post Fri, Jul 23 2021, 2:08 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I wish I can, but my husband doesn't allow me to do that....


Doesn’t allow you? What will he do if you don’t agree? Put you in the corner? Hit you? No. You are allowing him to control you. You’re not a child. You should both be partners in the marriage. Even more, since you’re the one bringing in that big money, you definshould be the one allowed to have even more of a say. Don’t put it on him, people can only do to us what we allow them to,
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