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Kids choosing style shoes and clothes
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 8:51 pm
Under the concept of gentle parenting, I went with my girls 5&7 for school and shab shoes. My 7 yr old has her own opinions about taste and style that usually don't coincide with mine. I did want to make her happy but I also wanted to be happy with the shoes she chooses. I went to one store that had great pricing and wanted to get school and shab shoes there but she didn't like the school shoes and she ended up getting shab shoes I don't like. For school shoes I ended up running around to 4 stores, some with her some without and took pictures of the shoes to see if she likes them. In the end the shoe she really liked and tried on didn't fit her right. There was a similar style that is coming in soon she would try. My question is, how much do I do to 'please' my daughter because ultimately she is the one wearing the shoes and needs to feel good in them. But I'm having a very hard time being happy with her wearing shoes I don't like. Obviously best is something that we both like and for the right price but if that's not happening I'm wondering if I should have ever put myself into this at all? Should I have just said, this is what we're getting and that's it?
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 8:59 pm
I would not!!!!! When I go shopping with my 7 year old we each compromise a bit and buy something that we are both happy with. I absolutely would NOT run around to more than 1 or 2 stores to find the perfect shoe. I also wouldn't let them buy something that I think is hideous or silly looking. Besides for the headache of it all, I don’t want my kids to think that we drive ourselves crazy like that for shoes or clothing. Yes, we want to look nice, put together and up to date, but at the same time we need to understand that it’s not the most important thing in life.
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Sewsew_mom




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 9:03 pm
Personally I would think you went to far already. I tell my kids to choose what fits them and they like, and it needs to be in my budget and wtvr other restrictions I need to set. They learn how to be happy with what they have and not think they can get whatever they dream of. Most kids don't even know what they really want.
Maybe I'm just not as nice of mother.. It's possible. But I can't see myself running around for all my children for every piece of item they want.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 9:10 pm
You're right about the message 'there are more important things in life'.
Curious if you would consider paying at least double for a shoe u both like a compromise...
One shoe store had small selection but I was fine with them and they were half price than the shoes in the other store which didn't end up working out.
I'm asking about this concept in general, how much do I consider her opinion if I know it would demand of me to make myself a little crazy.
I have this inner conflict of treating children like they're their own human beings with feelings and opinions that matter too. How much does my opinion have to count? Is it an insecurity that I need to work through that I need my child to look a certain way?
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amother




Bone
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 9:17 pm
I tell my kids that we're not going to more than 2 stores and in each store I give them afew options they can choose from. Do not allow a 5 & 7 year old control you like this. They'll be walking over you in no time.
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Fabulous




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 9:29 pm
My policy is fit first, price and liking it after. If she absolutely hates something I wouldn’t get it (only if she’s not dramatic about hating everything she just doesn’t like). But it has to be a compromise. I am paying and usually parents know what’s best in terms of practicality and even sometimes socially if the kids are young.
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amother




Calendula
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 9:32 pm
I order shoes online (brands that I knew fit her her feet) I order x number of pairs within the price range I’m willing to spend. She gets to express her preference but ultimately fit wins. We won’t keep something she hates but I wouldn’t order something she hated either.
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amother




Calendula
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 9:34 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
You're right about the message 'there are more important things in life'.
Curious if you would consider paying at least double for a shoe u both like a compromise...
One shoe store had small selection but I was fine with them and they were half price than the shoes in the other store which didn't end up working out.
I'm asking about this concept in general, how much do I consider her opinion if I know it would demand of me to make myself a little crazy.
I have this inner conflict of treating children like they're their own human beings with feelings and opinions that matter too. How much does my opinion have to count? Is it an insecurity that I need to work through that I need my child to look a certain way?


No I wouldn’t pay double for shoes. My 6 year olds shoes last 3 months till she outgrows them. Maybe 4. Even if I disliked them, she’ll need new shoes by December . And then March. I definitely don’t care enough sblit anything to spend double. Nor would I go to as many stores as you did. No way
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amother




Maroon
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 9:35 pm
I think giving her a few choices and letting her choose from those makes the most sense. Running yourself ragged is not good parenting.
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runninglate




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 9:40 pm
I would let her choose the style she likes from those that fit properly. I would definitely not go to more than one store for a child that age.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 9:46 pm
There’s a middle road. I allow my daughter to choose but I don’t drive myself crazy. She can choose from the options available. If it’s something I really don’t want it’s not an option.
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 11:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
You're right about the message 'there are more important things in life'.
Curious if you would consider paying at least double for a shoe u both like a compromise...
One shoe store had small selection but I was fine with them and they were half price than the shoes in the other store which didn't end up working out.
I'm asking about this concept in general, how much do I consider her opinion if I know it would demand of me to make myself a little crazy.
I have this inner conflict of treating children like they're their own human beings with feelings and opinions that matter too. How much does my opinion have to count? Is it an insecurity that I need to work through that I need my child to look a certain way?

Yes, they are people with their own thoughts and opinions, likes and dislikes, but they are still children and we need to guide them. We listen, validate, make sure that they feel heard and respected, we compromise, but at the same time teach them what is responsible, our values etc. The mother’s opinion absolutely counts. It counts the most. You are the adult. She can choose from the options you give her that are in your price range. She’s old enough to understand that some things are more expensive than others and that driving yourself mad running to a bunch of stores to find the perfect one isn’t right or healthy. If you let her get whatever she wants no matter what it takes to get there you will spoil her and end up with an entitled princes.
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 11:06 pm
Zehava wrote:
There’s a middle road. I allow my daughter to choose but I don’t drive myself crazy. She can choose from the options available. If it’s something I really don’t want it’s not an option.

Exactly this.
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allthingsblue




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 11:08 pm
amother [ Bone ] wrote:
I tell my kids that we're not going to more than 2 stores and in each store I give them afew options they can choose from. Do not allow a 5 & 7 year old control you like this. They'll be walking over you in no time.


This is so sad for me to read. How is it controlling for a 7 year old pick out which shoes SHE wants to wear, assuming the price is right?

I let my children pick out their clothing and shoes. By now I pretty much know their taste. I prefer to shop online because I can pull up pictures and choices instead of them seeing an entire store and picking out some crazy outlandish item, but even when we do go into a store, I fully accommodate their preferences.

I would not run to different store. If would let her choose something from that one store that she likes and let her opinion count before mine.
Or I would shop online with her.
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Ma3




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 11:18 pm
Also have a little girl with a mind of her own. She knows my rule by now, "We both have to like it. If either of us hate it, it's not even a consideration." Of course fit is first. She gets to choose one that fits right and we both like. I give her the final say, as she's the one that's going to be wearing it. I make sure to go to a store that has a nice selection and we usually don't go to more stores. For shabbos shoes I'll let her pass with a less perfect fit if she really loves a shoe. If you let her know before you go shopping that were picking one store and that's where we're choosing shoes, a kid this age should really be ok. You just have to know what your rules are and be very clear before you head out to shop. I'm sure she's not like this just in the shoe store. Clothing, headbands... It's very good for a kid to know they can choose but that they can't make you crazy either.
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trixx




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 11:29 pm
respectful parenting doesnt mean theres no boundaries. here the boundaries are: the shoe I show you, in the price range I set. then she chooses from several options.
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amother




Salmon
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 11:45 pm
trixx wrote:
respectful parenting doesnt mean theres no boundaries. here the boundaries are: the shoe I show you, in the price range I set. then she chooses from several options.


Why is it "respectful" to say "my taste is more important than yours, as to what you wear. So you'll wear what I choose." Because even giving a few choices, they're all your taste.

IMNSHO "respectful" would be to set a reasonable price range (allowing older children to supplement with savings if they choose), with a right to reject based on quality and practicality, while guiding and teaching about those factors.
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amother




Bone
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 11:46 pm
allthingsblue wrote:
This is so sad for me to read. How is it controlling for a 7 year old pick out which shoes SHE wants to wear, assuming the price is right?

I let my children pick out their clothing and shoes. By now I pretty much know their taste. I prefer to shop online because I can pull up pictures and choices instead of them seeing an entire store and picking out some crazy outlandish item, but even when we do go into a store, I fully accommodate their preferences.

I would not run to different store. If would let her choose something from that one store that she likes and let her opinion count before mine.
Or I would shop online with her.


The fact that OP is running herself ragged and going from one store to the next so a 5 & 7 year old can choose what they like and what they think is best for them shows that she's allowing herself to be controlled by little kids. She's the adult and the parent.
Also, it's very hard and overwhelming for little kids to choose from so many options. It just makes them confused. By narrowing down the options for them, we're helping to make it easier for them to choose what they like.
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sky




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 11:51 pm
I always think less choices gives kids more clarity not more.
If a kid needs to choose shoes from3 pairs it’s an attainable choice.
Choosing from infinite choices is beyond most kid ability. You always think there is more out there and something better.
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allthingsblue




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 11:57 pm
amother [ Bone ] wrote:
The fact that OP is running herself ragged and going from one store to the next so a 5 & 7 year old can choose what they like and what they think is best for them shows that she's allowing herself to be controlled by little kids. She's the adult and the parent.
Also, it's very hard and overwhelming for little kids to choose from so many options. It just makes them confused. By narrowing down the options for them, we're helping to make it easier for them to choose what they like.


Running ragged is not good nor is it healthy.
But in one store, If there’s something the daughter likes but op doesn’t, assuming it’s in the budget, that’s what they should get (obviously only if there isn’t a shoe they both really like)
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