Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Paying to meet a Shadchan/ Gifts to Shadchan



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 26 2021, 10:48 pm
We live in the NY area and are somewhat yeshivish, but we did not grow up that way. DD1 is in shidduchim. We were told by a friend that whenever DD meets a shadchan, we are supposed to pay them for their time. I know that some charge for their time and say so at the outset, but I did not know that it is understood that one sends money. Is this the case? If so, how much is appropriate?
I have also been hearing that it is appropriate to send a gift to the Shadchan after a date, even if the shidduch does not work out. Did one send a gift after each date of the shidduch is going to continue to a next date? How much is appropriate here?
TIA for your help
Back to top

amother
Eggshell


 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 12:20 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We live in the NY area and are somewhat yeshivish, but we did not grow up that way. DD1 is in shidduchim. We were told by a friend that whenever DD meets a shadchan, we are supposed to pay them for their time. I know that some charge for their time and say so at the outset, but I did not know that it is understood that one sends money. Is this the case? If so, how much is appropriate?
I have also been hearing that it is appropriate to send a gift to the Shadchan after a date, even if the shidduch does not work out. Did one send a gift after each date of the shidduch is going to continue to a next date? How much is appropriate here?
TIA for your help
I don't think this is the norm to pay a shadchan or give a gift after each date. If someone tries to set her up a lot, then it's nice to get them a gift.
Back to top

amother
NeonYellow


 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 9:15 am
I didn’t go through shidduchim but all of my siblings did and I never heard of this

The shadchan was only paid/given a gift if the shidduch worked out

If they went on a substantial amount of dates but it didn’t go any further, usually a gift is given also
Back to top

amother
NeonBlue


 

Post Sat, Oct 28 2023, 9:55 pm
I am a shadchan and find it very appreciated when someone comes to meet me and gives me money for my time I met them and will try to look out for them iyh.. I stop everything and put my work and family on the side to meet your daughter show appreciation
Back to top

amother
DarkGray


 

Post Sat, Oct 28 2023, 10:14 pm
My family has been in the Shidduch Parsha for many years - knh we are a not small family with kids close in age so we are in this for years.
Re paying a shadchan- for those who tell me outright they charge I pay them , otherwise no. Although one shadchan I took one DD to meet asked me for a donation to a tzedakah she a involved with. I donated nicely.
Re sending shadchanim a gift - if it gets to five or more dates or if they put in a lot of extra effort even if it doesn’t work out I send a gift. Even as the mother of a boy who gets many many names . I’m not doing it to flatter the shadchan I’m doing it out of hakaras hatov.
Back to top

amother
Midnight


 

Post Sat, Oct 28 2023, 10:27 pm
Why would you give a Shadchan a gift. They are spending their time on you, pay them.
Back to top

amother
NeonBlue


 

Post Sat, Oct 28 2023, 11:53 pm
I have met ppl so many inconvenient times because they were in and I tried my best to see them eventhough it was so inconvenient like sunday afternoon when my kids were home or at night when I had a few simchas to attend etc and I squeezed them in and they knew I was doing them a big favor .. if I was the one coming I wud have given a check.. and forsure after any date even one and done every side should show hakaros hatov.. do nt burn us out shadchanim .. I feel burnt out from all the harrassment and no hakaros hatov..
Back to top

amother
Burlywood


 

Post Sun, Oct 29 2023, 2:17 am
amother NeonBlue wrote:
I have met ppl so many inconvenient times because they were in and I tried my best to see them eventhough it was so inconvenient like sunday afternoon when my kids were home or at night when I had a few simchas to attend etc and I squeezed them in and they knew I was doing them a big favor .. if I was the one coming I wud have given a check.. and forsure after any date even one and done every side should show hakaros hatov.. do nt burn us out shadchanim .. I feel burnt out from all the harrassment and no hakaros hatov..


Same here!
Back to top

amother
Burlywood


 

Post Sun, Oct 29 2023, 2:19 am
amother DarkGray wrote:
My family has been in the Shidduch Parsha for many years - knh we are a not small family with kids close in age so we are in this for years.
Re paying a shadchan- for those who tell me outright they charge I pay them , otherwise no. Although one shadchan I took one DD to meet asked me for a donation to a tzedakah she a involved with. I donated nicely.
Re sending shadchanim a gift - if it gets to five or more dates or if they put in a lot of extra effort even if it doesn’t work out I send a gift. Even as the mother of a boy who gets many many names . I’m not doing it to flatter the shadchan I’m doing it out of hakaras hatov.


Yes, I tell people to donate as well.
Back to top

amother
Burlywood


 

Post Sun, Oct 29 2023, 2:19 am
amother NeonBlue wrote:
I am a shadchan and find it very appreciated when someone comes to meet me and gives me money for my time I met them and will try to look out for them iyh.. I stop everything and put my work and family on the side to meet your daughter show appreciation


Agreed!
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Related Topics Replies Last Post
What are you paying for backyard camp?
by amother
0 Today at 1:35 pm View last post
Bat Mitzvah Gifts
by amother
2 Tue, Mar 26 2024, 5:40 pm View last post
Well paying jobs that don't require math, compute or science 13 Tue, Mar 26 2024, 5:58 am View last post
Anyone know - web that starts with classic (gifts)
by amother
1 Sun, Mar 24 2024, 2:10 am View last post
Do you join in group gifts at work
by amother
7 Tue, Mar 19 2024, 3:32 pm View last post