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My 4 year old hits me when she’s unhappy. How to react
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 11:38 am
My 4 year old dd is the cutest girl ever. She had a twinkle in her eye and she has the cutest vocabulary. She can’t really handle being disciplined. When she doesn’t get her way she’ll walk over to me and slap me. Anytime I’ve ever tried to talk to her about it she responds by hitting me again. This morning I ignored it because I didn’t have the patience to respond but she ended up just hitting and hitting till I ran to wake up my husband and I lost it screaming at him “I refuse to be abused by my own child!!!! Can u pls deal with her?!? I’m sick and tired of being hit bec I told her she can’t eat candy for breakfast”
Ye, not my hottest moment. Oh well
Help
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dankbar




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 11:42 am
You can't let her hit you. Either you restrain her hands or send her to timeout or she gets a consequence that she doesn't get candy when you are giving everyone. Hatzlacha!
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 11:43 am
dankbar wrote:
You can't let her hit you. Either you restrain her hands or send her to timeout or she gets a consequence that she doesn't get candy when you are giving everyone. Hatzlacha!


Option A will NEVER work with this one. She’ll come out of time out and hit me. we’ll repeat this all day.
Option B would work but I’ll get hit for giving everyone candy besides her...
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amother




Daylily
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 11:48 am
Maybe be a detective- figure out when she gets so upset and try to avoid those situations. Also,she may be getting attention from this behavior so she keeps repeating it. Don't escalate it so much.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 11:52 am
amother [ Daylily ] wrote:
Maybe be a detective- figure out when she gets so upset and try to avoid those situations. Also,she may be getting attention from this behavior so she keeps repeating it. Don't escalate it so much.


Bh she’s a very happy kid and this does NOT happen often. Bh bh bh!! Also there are plenty of times I’m able to ignore it and I do but honestly, why is ignoring it ok. I think it’s basics that a kid can learn not to hit a parent...
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amother




Mayflower
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 11:54 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Option A will NEVER work with this one. She’ll come out of time out and hit me. we’ll repeat this all day.
Option B would work but I’ll get hit for giving everyone candy besides her...


My 3 year old does the same.
I have a 10 second time out on any chair. Sometimes I need to hold him there most times if I stay calm he will go himself.
If he hits again when he comes off I’ll repeat the 10 second time out how many times I need to. Eventually he will stop. I feel like at this age 10 seconds is enough to teach a lesson which is the point.
Once in a while I forget about the chair time out and I just tell him to leave the room or I will need to leave. He would ask me if he can sit on the chair for 10 seconds instead.
I think the goal is to stay calm and to keep in mind you don’t need to punish her rather teach her a lesson that hitting is never ok.
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SuperWify




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 11:55 am
My 4 year old is just like that. We used to gently hold him down but he would scream- “stop breaking me” as if were hurting him (which we certainly are not Sad) I realized he was interpreting it as if we’re “hitting him right back” which was just teaching him that hitting is ok and want making him feel safe.

So what’s works is walking away and calmly saying- I don’t feel safe when I’m getting hit/kicked/smacked/pinched ect. I’m going to walk away until I see that your calm again. I know your upset but you can use your words.

It’s hard to keep your cool- believe me I’ve lost out many times, but it seems to be working much better bh.

The other day my baby accidentally kicked him and he tells me- ma I don’t feel safe from the baby.

It was a sweet victory because I knew he learned something. I told him in a case like that he needs to walk away. Just like I do Wink
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 11:56 am
I learned this from a social worker and I find it really helpful.

HALT- Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.

Whenever my kids are exhibiting a negative behavior it is always one of those 4 causes. Once I figure out which of the 4 I can usually manage it before it spirals downhill too fast.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 11:56 am
amother [ Mayflower ] wrote:
My 3 year old does the same.
I have a 10 second time out on any chair. Sometimes I need to hold him there most times if I stay calm he will go himself.
If he hits again when he comes off I’ll repeat the 10 second time out how many times I need to. Eventually he will stop. I feel like at this age 10 seconds is enough to teach a lesson which is the point.
Once in a while I forget about the chair time out and I just tell him to leave the room or I will need to leave. He would ask me if he can sit on the chair for 10 seconds instead.
I think the goal is to stay calm and to keep in mind you don’t need to punish her rather teach her a lesson that hitting is never ok.


This could work thank you. I also lock myself in the bathroom sometimes lol. #momlife
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amother




Cobalt
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 12:00 pm
If your child will come out and hit you everytime you put her in timeout, then you don't know how to use a timeout. She just goes back until she sits for 5 minutes without getting up and without hitting you. Even if it takes you 2 hours to pull through. She is not in control her. She is a child and she can't dictate when she does what she wants. And she is not allowed to hit you. Could you lock her in a room and stand outside the door for her 5 minute timeout without talking to her.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 12:03 pm
amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:
If your child will come out and hit you everytime you put her in timeout, then you don't know how to use a timeout. She just goes back until she sits for 5 minutes without getting up and without hitting you. Even if it takes you 2 hours to pull through. She is not in control her. She is a child and she can't dictate when she does what she wants. And she is not allowed to hit you.


I love you for taking the time to write this, but no. I need a tactic that can work and this tactic doesn’t work. I’m not gonna spend 2 hours on it I’ll use a different method. Not every child reacts well to every punishment. I’m trying to be a little flexible and find what works
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amother




Cobalt
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 12:04 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I love you for taking the time to write this, but no. I need a tactic that can work and this tactic doesn’t work. I’m not gonna spend 2 hours on it I’ll use a different method. Not every child reacts well to every punishment. I’m trying to be a little flexible and find what works


Could you pick her up and lock her in a room and stand outside the door for her 5 minute timeout without talking to her.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 12:05 pm
mha3484 wrote:
I learned this from a social worker and I find it really helpful.

HALT- Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.

Whenever my kids are exhibiting a negative behavior it is always one of those 4 causes. Once I figure out which of the 4 I can usually manage it before it spirals downhill too fast.


This is SO true!!! Thank u for sharing. Obviously preventive measures r best, but also being able to know the root of the behavior is great
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 12:07 pm
amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:
Could you pick her up and lock her in a room and stand outside the door for her 5 minute timeout without talking to her.


Yes, I’ve done this.. she comes out and hit and goes back in and well be at it for an hour. Just no. I refuse. I bh have a house full of kids. I cant do hour long punishments even if it’s only one a week or once every other ...
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SuperWify




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 12:19 pm
amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:
If your child will come out and hit you everytime you put her in timeout, then you don't know how to use a timeout. She just goes back until she sits for 5 minutes without getting up and without hitting you. Even if it takes you 2 hours to pull through. She is not in control her. She is a child and she can't dictate when she does what she wants. And she is not allowed to hit you. Could you lock her in a room and stand outside the door for her 5 minute timeout without talking to her.


Please don’t do this.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 1:19 pm
SuperWify wrote:
Please don’t do this.


Thanks girlfriend
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amother




Wandflower
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 1:34 pm
She obviously is using hitting as an outlet for her negative emotions to being disciplined. So it will be an ongoing cycle until you teach her ways to express her emotions in other ways. What works for some is to teach them a word to describe her feelings: "oh I see you are feeling frustrated that mommy didn't let you have xyz." And keep using that word and talking about it until she calms down.
Another option is to teach her a breathing technique: "you are upset because xyz let's breathe deeply to help you calm down."
Another is to tell her she can hit a pillow or something if she's mad but she CAN NOT hit you.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 1:50 pm
When I was 4 y.o. sitting next to Mother on couch, Mother told me "No"
and I raised my hand to hit her.

Mother caught my hand and in a very very serious tone said

"You must never ever ever pick up a hand to a Mother or Father.

This is a very Big Aveira. Never. Never. Never."

and I never did.

It was like warning me to never run into the street.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 1:53 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Bh she’s a very happy kid and this does NOT happen often. Bh bh bh!! Also there are plenty of times I’m able to ignore it and I do but honestly, why is ignoring it ok. I think it’s basics that a kid can learn not to hit a parent...


Do NOT ignore!

Hitting a parent or cursing a parent is Chayov Misah over bar/bat mitzvah.

To not stop it is Negligence and harming your child ch"v.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jul 27 2021, 1:56 pm
mha3484 wrote:
I learned this from a social worker and I find it really helpful.

HALT- Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.

Whenever my kids are exhibiting a negative behavior it is always one of those 4 causes. Once I figure out which of the 4 I can usually manage it before it spirals downhill too fast.


Children have to learn self control even when they are tired or hungry.

Otherwise they grow up into adults who abuse others when they are tired, hungry
or "had a bad day at the office."

Not acceptable.
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