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Saying shame on you to your children
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 6:17 pm
Is it abusive?
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amother




Mint
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 6:23 pm
I don't know if it's abusive, but it's definitely degrading and I try very hard to not say it.
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taketwo




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 6:26 pm
Yes. It's shaming.
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crust




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 6:27 pm
What is the intent?

How is it helpful?

How will the child grow from this?

What kind of behavior can a child have done to deserve this reaction?

What is this teaching the child?

How is it different than telling a child hate on you or degrade on you?

In my humble opinion the parent that is saying this is having subconscious shame for whatever reason and is projecting the shame on the kid.
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NotLazySusan




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 6:32 pm
Please don't.

I am 40 years old and still feel ashamed of myself.
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amother




Ruby
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 6:39 pm
NotLazySusan wrote:
Please don't.

I am 40 years old and still feel ashamed of myself.


This is me.

I never ever say it to my children and have horrible memories of being shamed that are with me still today
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NotLazySusan




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 6:54 pm
amother [ Ruby ] wrote:
This is me.

I never ever say it to my children and have horrible memories of being shamed that are with me still today



Me too. Never said it to my kids.
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amother




Powderblue
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 6:56 pm
I didn't grow up with this being said to me. (Other degrading things, yes) It is not in my dictionary of "disciplinary terms". And I wouldn't recommend using it. Just makes a person feel stupid and ashamed. No benefits.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:05 pm
amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:
I didn't grow up with this being said to me. (Other degrading things, yes) It is not in my dictionary of "disciplinary terms". And I wouldn't recommend using it. Just makes a person feel stupid and ashamed. No benefits.


What should a child feel when misbehaving if not ashamed?
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mirelcakes




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:07 pm
[quote="amother [ OP ]"]Is it abusive?[/quote

You definitely need to teach your children. However, I say you are so smart..you can make a better decision......rewording is probably a better.
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SafeAtLast




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:08 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What should a child feel when misbehaving if not ashamed?


They can feel ashamed without you shaming them.
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amother




Blush
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:09 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What should a child feel when misbehaving if not ashamed?

Regret, not shame. Shame demeans the person, regret targets the behavior. Understanding that they did wrong and can do better. Empowerment to make the right choice next time and that they are capable of it. Not shame.
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amother




Tanzanite
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:10 pm
My mom said it to me and yes, it was abusive and still hurts today. I was ashamed of myself for yearss and years.
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taketwo




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:21 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What should a child feel when misbehaving if not ashamed?


Like they made a mistake. they are human, we all make mistakes. They need to feel like they are still a good person, who is loved, despite their misdeeds.

You may find parenting classes helpful.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:25 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What should a child feel when misbehaving if not ashamed?

All behavior is communication. They are trying to tell us something. We, as adults, label behavior that is inconvenient to us as misbehavior.
A child should feel seen, heard, loved, and respected
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:34 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What should a child feel when misbehaving if not ashamed?


Dr. Twerski, zt"l, said that his father would say, es poss nisht. IOW, you can do and be more than that. Sure, the kid would feel a bit embarrassed but it wouldn't be debilitating because the message being telegraphed was that his parents believed in him.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:42 pm
Saying “Shame on you” is telling the child , you as a person should feel shame with yourself. Like something is wrong with you . This type of shaming lasts forever in a person and it’s carried into adulthood.
Telling a child that their behavior is not acceptable, you are showing the child that you are acceptable to me, but your behavior is not.
Putting the emphasis on the behavior rather than the child themselves makes a difference.
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crust




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 8:04 pm
thunderstorm wrote:
Saying “Shame on you” is telling the child , you as a person should feel shame with yourself. Like something is wrong with you . This type of shaming lasts forever in a person and it’s carried into adulthood.
Telling a child that their behavior is not acceptable, you are showing the child that you are acceptable to me, but your behavior is not.
Putting the emphasis on the behavior rather than the child themselves makes a difference.


Yes this
Seperate the child from the misbehavior.

The child's respect and self worth remains intact.

The child doesn't become burdened that he is 'the' behavior or 'the' shame.
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tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 8:08 pm
Terrible thing to say to a child or to anyone. To teach them that something about themselves is shameful. It's so wrong and off-base.
A mistake is a learning experience. No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. We learn from our mistakes to do better, to make right choices next time. A mistake is good, because that's how we learn.
There is nothing to be ashamed of.
Shame is toxic. It is a yetzer hara that cuts to the core, brings a person down.
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tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 8:11 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What should a child feel when misbehaving if not ashamed?

That they can do better next time. That they have the power and will to make good choices from now on.
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