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One of my kids is so hard to love....
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 6:26 pm
I don't want to complain, because having children has been a struggle for us. But I need a place to vent...
One of my kids is just.... strange and annoying. She's 11. Has been bothering siblings, argumentative, and antisocial since she's 3. We've been through so many evaluations. Each one results in a different diagnosis - none really nailing it. I'm a pretty lenient parent, with seichel, and ready to accept each kid for who they are, but this one I hate being around. She chews with her mouth open, no matter how many gentle reminders. Likes to wear her frizzy hair out in the nerdiest hairdo, yells at me when I suggest a pony or mousse. Wears the same Shabbos dress every week, despite having other more flattering and stylish options. Refuses to take showers despite having oily hair and skin. (Actually, she's finally agreed to a 3-shower-per-week schedule. Feeling very thankful for that.) Always eating carbs, hates exercise, has gained 20 lbs in one year. This is all despite me taking time to exercise with her, walk and swim, serving a vegetable with almost every dinner (which she refuses to eat) and trying to make it as positive as possible.
She refuses to make friends or go to school functions. Does not know how to entertain herself, other than reading. Any time I ask her opinion, she responds "I don't know".
Has been seeing therapists on and off since she's little. Doesn't open up, and eventually doesn't cooperate and doesn't want to go anymore. We've researched and tried ENDLESS options and interventions. Most go to pot because of her attitude.
I wish I could just accept her and love her the way she is, but I find it so draining to talk to her and be around her. She just takes. Hardly ever gives even the slightest nice word.

I look around at her peers, and see girls interacting with each other, dressed appropriately, making friends. I know that nothing is as it appears, and lots of girls are struggling with problems, but it's hard to watch my daughter turn into the weirdo outcast. Please tell me I'm not alone, that this is more common than it feels like.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 6:33 pm
Wow. That sounds a lot like me as a kid. (Maybe not the negative attitude stuff, but the self grooming and style and "I don't know" stuff.) If it helps, I turned out all right--I think. I didn't mind not being part of the group and none of that kid/teen stuff adversely affects you as an adult.

My belief is that your daughter will learn to care, on her own, about some more of the things that are important to you when she gets older. My advice would be not to nag. You wouldn't believe how quickly I started brushing my hair when I left home for a program.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 6:50 pm
BrisketBoss wrote:
Wow. That sounds a lot like me as a kid. (Maybe not the negative attitude stuff, but the self grooming and style and "I don't know" stuff.) If it helps, I turned out all right--I think. I didn't mind not being part of the group and none of that kid/teen stuff adversely affects you as an adult.

My belief is that your daughter will learn to care, on her own, about some more of the things that are important to you when she gets older. My advice would be not to nag. You wouldn't believe how quickly I started brushing my hair when I left home for a program.


Thank you for this nugget of hope. I definitely pick and choose my battles wisely. But did you have a single friend growing up? I think that makes a huge difference. Loneliness is the worst.
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amother




Snowdrop
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 6:51 pm
Are you secretly describing my DD? I am tearing a little, because I could have written it and it is so so painful.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 6:58 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you for this nugget of hope. I definitely pick and choose my battles wisely. But did you have a single friend growing up? I think that makes a huge difference. Loneliness is the worst.


Yes, I usually had a single close friend. Until the eventual and confusing fallout--I've always said I'm glad I'm not romantically attracted to girls. Until I was 18, my friends were people who were weird like me. Even so, I often spent my free time (e.g. lunch at school) reading instead of talking to them or to others. I liked to.
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amother




Salmon
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 6:59 pm
I call this the cave man brain. Their brain is in fight-flight- survival mode. Hygiene and fashion doesn’t matter when your life is on the line, there’s no time for social niceties, food gets shoveled in , and you pack on the carbs because who knows when your next meal will be. Brain tells body to hold on to every extra calorie for the same reason. Brain is not able to engage in imaginative play, feel empathy or love or other upper brain kind of stuff because it is too busy worrying about surviving, lower brain takes over . Books and reading work because you can throw yourself into them without much effort and forget about the intrusive thoughts for a bit. Personally I believe this is a subtype or autism, these kids *definitely* have brain inflammation, vagus nerve issues, massive amounts of anxiety though not necessarily classic. It’s hard for neurotypicals to understand this brain type, but they deserve love and understanding all the same. As do the people who have to live with them, they deserve love and understanding too, because it IS hard to watch. And healing is possible.
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amother




Clear
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:00 pm
[quote="amother [ OP ]”]She chews with her mouth open, no matter how many gentle reminders. Likes to wear her frizzy hair out in the nerdiest hairdo, yells at me when I suggest a pony or mousse. Wears the same Shabbos dress every week, despite having other more flattering and stylish options. Refuses to take showers despite having oily hair and skin. (Actually, she's finally agreed to a 3-shower-per-week schedule. Feeling very thankful for that.) Always eating carbs, hates exercise, has gained 20 lbs in one year. This is all despite me taking time to exercise with her, walk and swim, serving a vegetable with almost every dinner (which she refuses to eat) and trying to make it as positive as possible.[/quote]

OP, do you even realize that this entire huge chunk of what bothers you about her is exclusively related to her physical appearance?
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amother




Orange
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:01 pm
I think she doesn't like herself too much and is feeling too much shame to accept help. It sounds counter productive but she really needs total acceptance right now. There should be no battles whatsoever- everything important can be negotiated and the rest overlooked. Don't mentally compare her to other girls- find her strengths, spend quality time together doing what she finds fun. If you work on the relationship, you'd be surprised how the other pieces fall into place.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:03 pm
Oh snowdrop now I'm tearing up. I'm so sorry for you and your dd. I wish our girls can be friends lol!
( I don't know how to contact you without publicizing my screen name, but I have a million questions.)
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amother




Skyblue
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:04 pm
OP this is literally my sister. Try and engage her in what she is interested in. If all she does is read? Talk to her about the books she is reading. Please don't be embarrassed that she is different. She IS different and nagging will not change that. The "different " will probably not change. However, giving unconditional love can ameliorate the "difficult ".
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amother




Salmon
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:10 pm
amother [ Clear ] wrote:
OP, do you even realize that this entire huge chunk of what bothers you about her is exclusively related to her physical appearance?
Its normal for parents to care about their children’s physical appearance. This isn’t a toddler that wants to wear rain boots on a sunny day, or a mom - tween clashing on choosing clothes for yt, this is a mom who gives her kid plenty of space, but her kid isn’t typical and it’s painful to witness.
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piegirl




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:10 pm
amother [ Salmon ] wrote:
I call this the cave man brain. Their brain is in fight-flight- survival mode. Hygiene and fashion doesn’t matter when your life is on the line, there’s no time for social niceties, food gets shoveled in , and you pack on the carbs because who knows when your next meal will be. Brain tells body to hold on to every extra calorie for the same reason. Brain is not able to engage in imaginative play, feel empathy or love or other upper brain kind of stuff because it is too busy worrying about surviving, lower brain takes over . Books and reading work because you can throw yourself into them without much effort and forget about the intrusive thoughts for a bit. Personally I believe this is a subtype or autism, these kids *definitely* have brain inflammation, vagus nerve issues, massive amounts of anxiety though not necessarily classic. It’s hard for neurotypicals to understand this brain type, but they deserve love and understanding all the same. As do the people who have to live with them, they deserve love and understanding too, because it IS hard to watch. And healing is possible.

Can you pm me please? I’m losing hope for my son who is all this plus extremely aggressive.
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applesbananas




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:11 pm
amother [ Clear ] wrote:
OP, do you even realize that this entire huge chunk of what bothers you about her is exclusively related to her physical appearance?


I hugged you. So what? A mom works hard for so many years to teach good hygiene. A mom knows that kids won’t play with the strange kid in the class who Smells ot has oily hair. A mom shops for her child every season trying to take their figure and style into account. It can be very painful to have it thrown back in your face ...
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amother




Mintcream
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:13 pm
amother [ Skyblue ] wrote:
OP this is literally my sister. Try and engage her in what she is interested in. If all she does is read? Talk to her about the books she is reading. Please don't be embarrassed that she is different. She IS different and nagging will not change that. The "different " will probably not change. However, giving unconditional love can ameliorate the "difficult ".

Great advice!
Don't force interests. Is she physically healthy and at a decent weight? Then don't worry too much about diet.
My child's therapist gave me some great advice. I was told not to worry about them being "weird." Is child happy? Productive in her own way? Has the skills to interact with others when she wants? Skills to eventually move to independence? If so, then just celebrate HER. It's okay to be different from others and work on building her sense of self
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amother




Crocus
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:15 pm
amother [ Clear ] wrote:
OP, do you even realize that this entire huge chunk of what bothers you about her is exclusively related to her physical appearance?


I noticed that too.
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amother




Mintcream
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:16 pm
Also our therapist keeps reminding us that it's okay to not have or want friends as long as she has the necessary skills to get by and is content that way. Meet her where she's at and wants to be
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:18 pm
amother [ Orange ] wrote:
I think she doesn't like herself too much and is feeling too much shame to accept help. It sounds counter productive but she really needs total acceptance right now. There should be no battles whatsoever- everything important can be negotiated and the rest overlooked. Don't mentally compare her to other girls- find her strengths, spend quality time together doing what she finds fun. If you work on the relationship, you'd be surprised how the other pieces fall into place.


Thank you. You are right. But my post was about how hard it is. I'm not arguing that it still needs to be done.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:18 pm
applesbananas wrote:
I hugged you. So what? A mom works hard for so many years to teach good hygiene. A mom knows that kids won’t play with the strange kid in the class who Smells ot has oily hair. A mom shops for her child every season trying to take their figure and style into account. It can be very painful to have it thrown back in your face ...


Is that a thing? Kids notice who has oily hair and who doesn't? If I'm being honest, I'm not sure I could tell you today. Could be part of my weirdness that continues!
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:19 pm
amother [ Mintcream ] wrote:
Great advice!
Don't force interests. Is she physically healthy and at a decent weight? Then don't worry too much about diet.
My child's therapist gave me some great advice. I was told not to worry about them being "weird." Is child happy? Productive in her own way? Has the skills to interact with others when she wants? Skills to eventually move to independence? If so, then just celebrate HER. It's okay to be different from others and work on building her sense of self


Totally agree with that therapist.
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amother




Clear
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:23 pm
applesbananas wrote:
I hugged you. So what? A mom works hard for so many years to teach good hygiene. A mom knows that kids won’t play with the strange kid in the class who Smells ot has oily hair. A mom shops for her child every season trying to take their figure and style into account. It can be very painful to have it thrown back in your face ...


The title of the thread says that the daughter is “hard to love” because of these reasons
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