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One of my kids is so hard to love....
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amother




Salmon
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:24 pm
BrisketBoss wrote:
Totally agree with that therapist.
Its also ok for op to grieve the child she doesn’t wished she would have but doesn’t.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:26 pm
amother [ Salmon ] wrote:
Its also ok for op to grieve the child she doesn’t wished she would have but doesn’t.


Definitely. Private feelings are what they are. We have to accept our feelings.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:26 pm
amother [ Clear ] wrote:
OP, do you even realize that this entire huge chunk of what bothers you about her is exclusively related to her physical appearance?


Yes, you make a good point. As I was writing, I realized how much of it is skin deep. But I also mentioned the more difficult - and debilitating, in my opinion - things like being rude and hurtful to other people. Maybe I left out how angry and depressed she is all the time. I'm sure I left out a whole bunch of things. My aim was to clarify what it's like to be a mom who is trying so hard to figure out how to love her daughter.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:30 pm
amother [ Skyblue ] wrote:
OP this is literally my sister. Try and engage her in what she is interested in. If all she does is read? Talk to her about the books she is reading. Please don't be embarrassed that she is different. She IS different and nagging will not change that. The "different " will probably not change. However, giving unconditional love can ameliorate the "difficult ".


Thank you. I love your advice. I just have to tell myself to keep at it, even though it is so difficult and annoying to interact with her. Thank you for your grounded words.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:33 pm
amother [ Mintcream ] wrote:
Great advice!
Don't force interests. Is she physically healthy and at a decent weight? Then don't worry too much about diet.
My child's therapist gave me some great advice. I was told not to worry about them being "weird." Is child happy? Productive in her own way? Has the skills to interact with others when she wants? Skills to eventually move to independence? If so, then just celebrate HER. It's okay to be different from others and work on building her sense of self


Thank you for your response, but maybe reread my post. No she is not happy or productive or possessing social skills....
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amother




Dodgerblue
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:52 pm
This is exactly how I was as a child. And it was because I was abused. Now as an adult I finally starting healing and I'm almost a regular functioning adult.
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trixx




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 7:57 pm
Here's the only advice I can think of. Get her a nice pretty journal. She should have an outlet for self expression.
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amother




Periwinkle
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 8:13 pm
If you haven’t lived with a child like this you have no business judging op. This is one of the hardest challenges I have been through.
My child is currently on antibiotics to treat chronic inflammation and he’s doing a whole lot better.
Op I suggest to you to take this child to an extremely competent doctor who knows about brain inflammation for a full work up.
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Aetrsnrady




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 8:19 pm
This is so painful OP. I know you have tried many ways to help her. Have you tried social skills training with someone trained in Michelle Garcia Winner’s Social Thinking program? I have seen a number of children so very well with it. The point is not to change the child, but to teach them what is expected in the social world. Expensive but very worthwhile.
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amother




Caramel
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 9:05 pm
I agree with the poster that’s saying that it might be something physical that’s causing her to act up.

I have a daughter that I struggled with in very similar ways. It was awful. It ended up being an untreated uti. She had no symptoms and it was on and off for years. Every time she got infected again I would lose her again. It would take forever to get her back.

Most of the time it’s brain or other kind of inflammation that causes children to act up. It’s worth checking it out.

Good luck op. I know how hard it can be. The dealing with an impossible child. The shame. And the guilt for not loving the child properly. Hope you get the right help very soon.
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SafeAtLast




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 9:15 pm
What are some of the positive things about your daughter that you appreciate?
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Teomima




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Jul 28 2021, 9:21 pm
Much of what you describe matches my daughter. But I practice acceptance and it helps enormously. I find her quite easy to love. I don't try to change her though I do make certain requirements such as showering semi-regularly. Other than that, she may dress as she feels most comfortable, her hair is a mess but at least it's clean, she will spend the whole day reading and as far as I'm concerned that's far more preferable than some other pastimes. She's in therapy but she knows it's to help her, not "fix" her. She loves one-on-one time and attention so I fit that in whenever I can and it does us both a world of good. She only has one friend, who is just as odd as she is, but she's happy she can be herself with her. She knows she'd have more if she changed but I give her a lot of credit for staying true to herself. Things have been tough for her but I know the older she gets the more she'll find her place in the world.
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amother




Cyclamen
 

Post Thu, Jul 29 2021, 2:25 am
Wow this sounds so much like my 11yo dd. Except my dd has stick-straight hair that is very hard to mess up - so of course, she shaved a big chunk of it off, right up front. Oh, and she used to wear the same dress every Shabbat (even though it hadn't fit properly for like 3 years), but now she wants to wear ripped jeans and a tank top.

My dd was diagnosed with social communication disorder. The diagnosis itself doesn't fix anything, but it can be good for getting a better sense of what's going on in her brain and why her actions make sense to her.

Regular talk therapy didn't really work with my dd but art therapy was great for her. I'd consider looking in that direction, not art necessarily, but some kind of therapy that's less focused on talking about emotions, something that integrates hands-on activities. Another kid of mine did therapy with animals which was great for that kid, just another idea.

The main thing for you I think is to find something that you and your dd can enjoy together. It's so hard with kids like this because they spend so much time actively pushing you away. It's hard to feel friendly and loving around someone whose attitude is "I don't care what you think and I don't care what you want and I don't need you or anyone." So it's extra important to create little fun moments together. Eg with my dd there's a series of videos that we like to watch together. We used to go on walks together but she mostly refuses to do that now, but when she agrees that's another good one. If I offer a special treat she'll almost always come, like, going together to get smoothies. Things like that.

I know it might feel weird to basically bribe your kid to spend time together. But for one thing, she's a preteen, it's natural that she's a bit anti-parent right now. And then on top of that socializing is so hard for these kids. I don't think that they genuinely don't want or need other people. I think it's just so hard to connect, and takes so much energy, that they give up. Giving a little reward helps them take that first step.

Basically, find some way, any way, to have positive experiences together. To counterbalance a little of the negative. Because the main thing is just to love her.
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English3




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jul 29 2021, 2:51 am
Op of course you love your daughter, look how much you have done for her and how much you care for her. You dream of a loving bond. You are doing what every mother does but you are in pain and that's ok. It a work in progress you are going in the right direction.
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amother




Midnight
 

Post Thu, Jul 29 2021, 3:06 am
Sounds a lot like me at that age, have you looked into her having autism?

Is she in therapy now? Not just talk therapy, OT or PT can be really good at exposing her to more things getting her more comfortable with water and other sensory things, and her doing fun things, and having more interactions with people.
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amother




Cinnamon
 

Post Thu, Jul 29 2021, 3:14 am
OP- I want to give you hug- you described my son to a tee!!!! I truly understand where you are coming from because I have the exact same issues with my son and if I can be honest I sometimes thank hashem he was not a girl because his issues would bother me much more if he were a girl so I totally hear you (ignore the posts here that you focus on appearance- so rude.)

I post a lot about my son and his medicines and therapies. You may get better answers on the challenging children board- I find that board immensely helpful.

It sometimes helps to just acknowledge what you as a mother are going through raising a difficult child. Just writing your post is cathartic and seeing that other mothers have the same issue is a bit o a release sometimes.
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amother




Foxglove
 

Post Thu, Jul 29 2021, 6:02 am
amother [ Clear ] wrote:
OP, do you even realize that this entire huge chunk of what bothers you about her is exclusively related to her physical appearance?


What's your point?
and I disagree, it's the picture of her whole child that's coming across in her post, and yes, there physical components that add to the picture of how loving this child is challenging..
this is not about physical, this is about her child's struggles and personalities...
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amother




Cyan
 

Post Thu, Jul 29 2021, 7:11 am
Nurtured Heart Approach... miracles.
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amother




Camellia
 

Post Thu, Jul 29 2021, 7:14 am
This describes my daughter too except she hates to read.

She was the most adorable toddler and preschooler.....

She makes friends easily but doesn't keep them.

She does have one good friend

I bothers me so much that she's not typical.

I know she needs help, but I can't figure out what type of help or what exactly is wrong.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Jul 29 2021, 7:49 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I don't want to complain, because having children has been a struggle for us. But I need a place to vent...
One of my kids is just.... strange and annoying. She's 11. Has been bothering siblings, argumentative, and antisocial since she's 3. We've been through so many evaluations. Each one results in a different diagnosis - none really nailing it. I'm a pretty lenient parent, with seichel, and ready to accept each kid for who they are, but this one I hate being around. She chews with her mouth open, no matter how many gentle reminders. Likes to wear her frizzy hair out in the nerdiest hairdo, yells at me when I suggest a pony or mousse. Wears the same Shabbos dress every week, despite having other more flattering and stylish options. Refuses to take showers despite having oily hair and skin. (Actually, she's finally agreed to a 3-shower-per-week schedule. Feeling very thankful for that.) Always eating carbs, hates exercise, has gained 20 lbs in one year. This is all despite me taking time to exercise with her, walk and swim, serving a vegetable with almost every dinner (which she refuses to eat) and trying to make it as positive as possible.
She refuses to make friends or go to school functions. Does not know how to entertain herself, other than reading. Any time I ask her opinion, she responds "I don't know".
Has been seeing therapists on and off since she's little. Doesn't open up, and eventually doesn't cooperate and doesn't want to go anymore. We've researched and tried ENDLESS options and interventions. Most go to pot because of her attitude.
I wish I could just accept her and love her the way she is, but I find it so draining to talk to her and be around her. She just takes. Hardly ever gives even the slightest nice word.

I look around at her peers, and see girls interacting with each other, dressed appropriately, making friends. I know that nothing is as it appears, and lots of girls are struggling with problems, but it's hard to watch my daughter turn into the weirdo outcast. Please tell me I'm not alone, that this is more common than it feels like.

Ohmygosh! She’s the one with an attitude? We’re you like the perfect class queen or something? Signed up to give birth to models?
What the heck?
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