One of my kids is so hard to love....

Zehava

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 10:55 am

applesbananas wrote:

I hugged you. So what? A mom works hard for so many years to teach good hygiene. A mom knows that kids won’t play with the strange kid in the class who Smells ot has oily hair. A mom shops for her child every season trying to take their figure and style into account. It can be very painful to have it thrown back in your face ...

Thrown back in your face huh
Your child owes you nothing least of all their appearance

applesbananas

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 10:59 am

Zehava wrote:

Thrown back in your face huh
Your child owes you nothing least of all their appearance

Z- r u having a hard day? Ur usually nicer than this

Chayalle

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:00 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don't want to complain, because having children has been a struggle for us. But I need a place to vent...
One of my kids is just.... strange and annoying. She's 11. Has been bothering siblings, argumentative, and antisocial since she's 3. We've been through so many evaluations. Each one results in a different diagnosis - none really nailing it. I'm a pretty lenient parent, with seichel, and ready to accept each kid for who they are, but this one I hate being around. She chews with her mouth open, no matter how many gentle reminders. Likes to wear her frizzy hair out in the nerdiest hairdo, yells at me when I suggest a pony or mousse. Wears the same Shabbos dress every week, despite having other more flattering and stylish options. Refuses to take showers despite having oily hair and skin. (Actually, she's finally agreed to a 3-shower-per-week schedule. Feeling very thankful for that.) Always eating carbs, hates exercise, has gained 20 lbs in one year. This is all despite me taking time to exercise with her, walk and swim, serving a vegetable with almost every dinner (which she refuses to eat) and trying to make it as positive as possible.
She refuses to make friends or go to school functions. Does not know how to entertain herself, other than reading. Any time I ask her opinion, she responds "I don't know".
Has been seeing therapists on and off since she's little. Doesn't open up, and eventually doesn't cooperate and doesn't want to go anymore. We've researched and tried ENDLESS options and interventions. Most go to pot because of her attitude.
I wish I could just accept her and love her the way she is, but I find it so draining to talk to her and be around her. She just takes. Hardly ever gives even the slightest nice word.

I look around at her peers, and see girls interacting with each other, dressed appropriately, making friends. I know that nothing is as it appears, and lots of girls are struggling with problems, but it's hard to watch my daughter turn into the weirdo outcast. Please tell me I'm not alone, that this is more common than it feels like.

OP, it sounds like too many fronts that you want to work on at once with this child.

11 year olds typically do not want anyone focusing on their weight, exercise habits, and food choices at a meal. So no, she doesn't want to swim with you or walk with you (unless maybe you are giving her loving attention and it's NOT about the exercise - and trust me if it is she will pick up on it).

Right now if you are focusing on the showers (a great place to start) I would drop everything else. Let the showers become habit for her while the rest of you focuses ONLY on your relationship and feelings to her, without trying to change anything else about her.

This child clearly needs something, and the question is what is that. Right now she isn't interested in being "fixed" by therapists or other well-meaning individuals (and most children her age aren't, so she sounds pretty normal here actually.) She wants you to love and accept her the way she is, and it's normal for a child her age to be a taker and not so much a giver. Just love her as much as you can, and give her the space to grow at her own pace until she is ready to make other changes and be her own version of what's appropriate and what works for her.

sequoia

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:01 am

OP, let your daughter be “nerdy.”

It’s okay.

The world isn’t composed of mean girls, even if your community is.

She’ll find her people.

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:03 am

Zehava wrote:

Ohmygosh! She’s the one with an attitude? We’re you like the perfect class queen or something? Signed up to give birth to models?
What the heck?

This is never helpful. It’s just an attack and honestly you don’t get any message across. Helpful advice goes much further in helping someone parent better.

Zehava

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:08 am

applesbananas wrote:

Z- r u having a hard day? Ur usually nicer than this

Thanks the language here is kind of triggering

Zehava

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:10 am

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

This is never helpful. It’s just an attack and honestly you don’t get any message across. Helpful advice goes much further in helping someone parent better.

I honestly just don’t believe that there’s any advice I can give to someone who views their child like this. So all there’s left to say is “what the heck”

iyar

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:11 am

Zehava wrote:

Thrown back in your face huh
Your child owes you nothing least of all their appearance

I'm curious about the concept of children owe their parents nothing. Parents have to have age-appropriate, personality-appropriate expectations. Expecting a ten year old to take care of four younger siblings, a sixteen year old to run all your errands, we all know what's too much. But where do we get the idea that children don't owe us anything at all? If respecting parents is one of the ten commandments we may be doing our kids a disservice projecting the idea that they owe us nothing. I think op is overwhelmed by not even being able to expect dd to shower occasionally. Allowances have to be made for a child in pain but shifting the attitude from too many expectations to zero might not be the way to go.

Zehava

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:16 am

iyar wrote:

Our kids owe us nothing, least of all things that pertain to their own bodies like their appearance.
Respect should be earned it can’t be demanded.
The commandments were given to your kids not to you. Nowhere does it say it’s your job to demand that respect.
Your job as a parent is to provide the ideal environment for your children to flourish. And to teach them how to be functional human beings. Teach. Not expect. Do students owe their teachers good grades? We model, we teach, we guide, we love, we accept, we connect. We don’t expect.

amother

Milk

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:17 am

Zehava wrote:

I honestly just don’t believe that there’s any advice I can give to someone who views their child like this. So all there’s left to say is “what the heck”

She sound a loving mother who is trying to understand and help her child. Mothers are human beings with feelings.

amother

Salmon

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:19 am

amother [ Milk ] wrote:

She sound a loving mother who is trying to understand and help her child. Mothers are human beings with feelings.

This. Ideally, we should love our children unconditionally. But it’s a normal feeling even for a mother to crave some reciprocity, and when we don’t get it, it’s normal to feel like it’s hard to keep giving.

imamom7

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:19 am

I totally understand! It is a real struggle
Zehava- you are clearly being triggered and your comment is mean
She wants her child to be a happy healthy girl
Every mother wants that
A mother can want her child to interact pleasantly with her
She is trying to help her child
Its hard when your child doesn't want to be helped

amother

Lightblue

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:19 am

Would finding her a big sister, some communities have girls who take that role, help? Maybe she just lacks confidence and understanding social rules

Zehava

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:20 am

amother [ Milk ] wrote:

She sound a loving mother who is trying to understand and help her child. Mothers are human beings with feelings.

A parent is the only person on the planet who should love their child unconditionally, no matter their appearance or habits. Sometimes it’s hard to spend time with or connect with a child in that moment, but love? Love??? Who else should love this child if her own mother can’t?? And how is she loving by stating that it’s hard for her to love her because she eats too much and doesn’t exercise and her hair is frizzy?
The world will judge this child enough but the one person who should accept her as she is instead judges her the harshest.

trixx

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:20 am

Zehava wrote:

I usually always agree with you but I think this case is a neurotypical one or medical as someone else said. Ie there is indeed a problem in the child not the parenting

Zehava

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:21 am

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

She’s craving obedience not reciprocity. She wants her kid to be who she wants her to be.

Zehava

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:22 am

imamom7 wrote:

How can a child be happy and healthy when the only person in the world who should love her unconditionally can’t do that? She wants to control and change her not help.

Zehava

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:24 am

trixx wrote:

I usually always agree with you but I think this case is a neurotypical one or medical as someone else said. Ie there is indeed a problem in the child not the parenting

There may be a problem in the child. But there is definitely a problem in the parenting as well. Both can be true at the same time.

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:27 am

We can’t assume that’s the motivation. She’s just frustrated. And yes she needs guidance and shouldn’t dwell on outer appearance but I disagree that she’s what you are making her out to be. I really think pointers and advice will be helpful here.

ShishKabob

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:30 am

Who says the op doesn't love her? Of course she loves her! It's just harder to love, that's all! But the love is still there!