I'm a robotic parent

amother

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 4:18 am

I go through the motions
[also not the way I should be]
meaning
I provide shelter clothing food schooling and some toys
otherwise though
I'm not
complimentary
or
encouraging
fun

there are no sounds songs smells or silliness that make up the stuff of memories in this house

I work. my husband works. our income is just about enough to barely cover our expenses
and there just isn't time for the other stuff

but it's eating me
please comment with practical simple to implement ideas or examples of
non technical or functional related stuff you do with your kids or
your parents did with you
in the meantime I'll go hide
Hiding

imasinger

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 4:44 am

I bet there's more than nothing, and you're being overly hard on yourself. Was it always this way, that you felt robotic? If not, when did it start to happen?

But if you want to increase the memory quotient, and you're overscheduled, how about starting by thinking about when you could schedule it in. Shabbos? 5 minutes just before bedtime? Mornings when everyone cooperates? Vacation time? What are the possible options?

What's your personal style? For fun, maybe, if you have the self confidence, try a silly hat day, a backwards day, a marshmallow day.

If you're more concerned with encouragement and positivity, would mealtimes work as a time to focus on saying something showing interest and validation to each child? Bathtime is also a good option for younger children. Car trips are good places, too.

If you can find time to read, The Nurtured Heart Approach is a great resource for explaining how to build positivity.

Perhaps more important, please think about self care. All of the above flows more readily when you're not drained and stressed beyond endurance. Sometimes, if you're only finding 5 minutes a day for an extra, the best way to spend it is on you, and then, you'll have more in you to multitask. Therapy might be an option, too.

Hugs and hatzlacha!

amother

Lemonlime

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 8:12 am

I also struggle being fun and silly with my kids. You are in the hardest stage of life and just getting day to day for most is very difficult.
Shabbos/Sunday is really our time to chill as a family. I find Shabbos easier. Sunday I try to prep for the week and just want to chill when baby naps.
I play board games with kids.
Music while cooking/ baking.
Bubbles for bath.
Watch a movie in bed with older kids.
Take out for ice cream lunch a few times a year.
Let them scooter while we go for a shabbos walk.
Take them on errands with you and let them pick out special snack.
Do big family puzzle together.
We put 8$ bluetooth speaker in bathroom. My kids love it.
Ask each kid what they want special for yom tov ....decoration, treat, specoal food.
Hang all their tests, pictures, projects.
Let them bake on their own as they get older and serve for Shabbos. They get so proud of themselves.

Chana Miriam S

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 4:17 pm

Your post brought me back to when I had my second and my first had just been dx with ASD. I was completely numb about her and in so much pain. I promised myself that I’d go through the motions and she would never know how I felt. I figured it would resolve eventually if I just kept acting as if.

Now she is 22. I have a great relationship with both of my kids and I was actually honest eventually about how I’d felt early on because it came up in some conversation or another. She gave me a big hug and told me she’d never have known..

One thing I’ve always found particularly helpful is a big smile when greeting a kid. A big hug. A show of enthusiasm even when I’m not feeling it. A compliment or so on.

Fake it until you make it.

amother

Gladiolus

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 4:31 pm

I relate.

I try to make candle lighting a ritual for the kids.
It’s a rush to get there but once I say the bracha there’s no rush, nothing else pressing and making you tense.
So you can do something simple- give each one a kiss, say “Good Shabbos, I love you, Rivky”
That doesn’t take a lot out of you but will be warmly anticipated and remembered.
And you can use that split second when hugging that kid to bless them, or as a reminder to love them, or to look into their eyes and give them a smile (even if it’s fake on your end, they’ll probably smile back and that will make you smile for real)
If you institute it as a ritual I find it’s easier to implement. “After candle-lighting, I xyz”
“At dinner time we abc” etc

flowerpower

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 4:35 pm

Parenting isn’t easy. Not one parent in the entire world is a perfect parent. Everyone is lacking in some area or other. It’s great that you want to be more involved emotionally. You can start by-

1- giving a nice hello after school with a smile. It matters a lot. The kid feels missed. ( add a hug if you can)

2- try to give specific praise when you see something nice “I love how you shared with your brother”, “ you took off the plate after each without needing a reminder. I am so happy to see that” , “ that is a great mark. I can see you worked hard on that test”, “you got dressed really fast this morning”

3- do something out of the ordinary every once in a while- ice cream store, park, library... you don’t have to entertain them the whole time.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Aug 03 2021, 5:57 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

you people are restoring my beleif that just maybe I can do this
or a tiny part of this

You don't have to do all of it, and you don't have to do all of it at once. Baby steps.

Just like having a gratitude journal, the more you look for the good things your kids do, the more you will start seeing them. Just saying nice things to your kids will make you think better of them, and create a stronger bond and warmer feelings.

When DD was little, her BFF lived around the corner from us. We were barely scraping by, while BFF lived in a huge Victorian house. Both her parents worked full time, and BFF had a nanny. There was full time house keeping, as well. The nanny took BFF to her ballet classes, horse riding, piano, violin, and other after school stuff. It was usually late when the parents came home.

One day, BFF came over and said to me "I wish you could adopt me." I asked her why, and she said "You're always here when DD comes home from school, and you bake cookies with us."

BFF had all the material things in the world she could possibly want, and all she wanted was a little attention, and someone who was happy to see her when she came over. DD realized that you can have every single American Girl doll, and all of the accessories, but it won't replace a loving parent who tries her best to be a good mom.

ddmom

Tue, Aug 03 2021, 6:08 am

Read them a bedtime story every night! Doesn't take so much time but kids really look forward to it. Let them pick the book(or books depending on ages of your kids!)

Make special foods at special times! Do they like pancakes but you never have time to make them? Surprise them on a Sunday morning! (Just an example but you get the idea!!)

amother

Calendula

Tue, Aug 03 2021, 11:07 am

Of course there are things your dc will remember, and fondly. I also thought I was just going thru the motions when my children were young, we were both working long hours, and it was all I could do to keep everyone fed, clothed and up to date with their shots. I really thought I related to the kids as possessions I had to maintain. Mop a floor, bathe a kid. Buy bread, buy shirts. Trim loose threads on a curtain, trim loose hairs on someone's head.

But kids notice everything. Of course there are smells and special things. You don't make foods for Shabbat and YT that you don't make during the week? You don't have any special dishes or oven mitts for Pesach? You don't prepare MM for Purim, or hang up your dc arts and crafts from school or camp for at least a little while, or write mitzvah notes? You don't teach them any domestic skills, tell them stories, or if you lack imagination, read stories to them? You don't ever say "How nice you look" when they're bathed and dressed for Shabbat or "well done" when they bring home an A paper or do a good job at some household task? You never fixed a favorite toy of theirs?

Not everything has to be a big whizz-bang-whee gedullah that would impress an adult. Children can be content with little things.

amother

Apple

Tue, Aug 03 2021, 1:51 pm

Can you tell your robot self that you must do three things everyday? This helped me.

So I said to myself

1. I must tell each child a true compliment. Such as thanks for helping, you are such a big boy, etc.

2. I must allow my children to share something about their day.

3. I must smile to each child everyday when they come home.

4. I should try to clap or dance.

Then other things just happened naturally.

amother

Lemonlime

Tue, Aug 03 2021, 2:30 pm

You totally got this! It's the parents that think they are doing the most fabulous job and have nothing to work on themselves that there is usually an issue.
I try not to think about what my friends do with their kids (except when they have awesome ideas I know I can easily do).
You sound like a mom who is really trying.