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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Neighbor has crush on DD
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Mon, Aug 02 2021, 11:01 pm
amother [ Moonstone ] wrote:
I'm guessing you haven't had a 12 year old son yet. An healthy interest in girls, sure, but a real crush at 12, in a world where they are so sheltered, is surprising.


I've had a few, actually.

For a next door neighbor, who he sees all the time? Based on the description, this is definitely possible. Yeshivish can mean lots of things. It doesn't prevent older brothers from bringing ideas home, or friends who have older brothers, or he reads fairly innocent books where there are girlfriends and starts to wonder what that's all about, even if he doesn't actually know, and it's not even what he wants.

B'davkah, in a yeshivish world, a kid this age might skip "what if she was my girlfriend" straight to "what if we got married one day?", which might be his segway into "I wonder if she knows I exist." You don't even need books for that. All you need is, "You know, Shmuel just got engaged to the Katz girl who's lived two doors down from him his whole life. Can you imagine?"
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Mon, Aug 02 2021, 11:52 pm
We are yeshivish.

Why think it is a crush and not friendly?
I live in super yeshivish old lakewood. 12 year old boys and girls still talk. They are still friendly. A 13 yr old boy came over to check out something my girls were doing. At this age I don’t think of it as a crush but normal friendship and interest in each other lives bec they know each other and grew up together and don’t realize how things work yet.
As they grow older and go off to yeshiva they will naturally drift apart.
I don’t see why it has to be presented as a boy-girl scenario but just a friendly neighbor scenario.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 2:24 am
amother [ Gray ] wrote:
I think it's a great opportunity for a discussion.

Hashem made boys and girls attracted to each other. That's because marriage is very holy and we should want it!

However, these feelings usually begin around Bar/Bas Mitzvah, and nowadays we don't get married at that age anymore.


This was so helpful, as were many other comments! Thanks all! I feel much more prepared to discuss the issue.

And yes, this is not a huge deal, and yes, maybe crush was too strong a word for it. But he is paying her an unusual amount of attention and I want to help her develop a healthy perspective on the issue.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 3:08 am
amother [ Moonstone ] wrote:
Wow, 12 is so young for a boy

12 year old girls are a lot more advanced than their same-age male peers

Yeah, idk, I think just avoid him


This.
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amother
Darkblue


 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 5:46 am
I think some posters are getting the wrong impression here. The word crush is used very loosely in the frum world and doesn't have the strong connotations it has elsewhere.

As long as it isn't affecting DD in a big way I'd turn a blind eye. Of course, I'd make DD aware that I know what's going on, and I'd keep an eye on the situation, but I wouldn't make an issue of it unless it escalates in any way.
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 6:14 am
Op, in don't think any of us really know what's going on because you're using the word "crush" but you haven't given any actual examples of what's been going on. We're all guessing.

What is the boy actually doing that might be crossing the line?
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 6:26 am
amother [ Darkblue ] wrote:
I think some posters are getting the wrong impression here. The word crush is used very loosely in the frum world and doesn't have the strong connotations it has elsewhere.

As long as it isn't affecting DD in a big way I'd turn a blind eye. Of course, I'd make DD aware that I know what's going on, and I'd keep an eye on the situation, but I wouldn't make an issue of it unless it escalates in any way.

I did not grow up frum, and to me, a "crush" doesn't even necessarily imply any physical contact or even any action whatsoever. It just means you are infatuated with someone.

Some of these responses are really over-the-top. Pregnancy scares? Really? He's a 12-year-old kid who (maybe) likes his next door neighbor. Just ignore it and he'll grow out of it.
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amother
Holly


 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 7:16 am
DrMom wrote:
I did not grow up frum, and to me, a "crush" doesn't even necessarily imply any physical contact or even any action whatsoever. It just means you are infatuated with someone.

Some of these responses are really over-the-top. Pregnancy scares? Really? He's a 12-year-old kid who (maybe) likes his next door neighbor. Just ignore it and he'll grow out of it.

I grew up yeshivish and sure, there were crushes here and there. So not a big deal. Everyone on our block knew the little boy across the street "liked" my sister. So what? It was a sweet harmless little crush. By the time he was bar mitzvah he had moved on and was way too embarrassed to do anything more than say good shabbos to her if our families passed each other on the way back from shul.
I can think of other stories like that, there was absolutely nothing inappropriate. Everyone outgrew it by the time they reached adolescence.
I think if you give your daughter a big speech it will only backfire and make her hyperaware of every boy she has the least bit of contact with be constantly obsessing, does he like me? What does he think of me? Etc which I don't think is that healthy tbh. It puts a s*xual connotation on every innocent encounter which is a heavy burden for a 12 year old girl and actually can warp her outlook.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 10:21 am
I discussed this with my daughter for a grand total of 1 minute today. I love that she is comfortable raising these normal childhood occurrences with me. No I did not make a big deal about this. She raised the issue to me, I agree with her that he is paying too much attention to her, but I pushed the conversation off for a few hours because I wanted to figure out a perspective on this. DD does not have a lot of exposure to boys and I feel my perspective will be important in her developing her own perspective. There was a previous post which helped me very much- about how the good feelings between boys and girls are meant to make marriage enjoyable but now is not the time for it.

And now, I am finished justifying myself Smile
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Woman of Valor




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 16 2022, 12:14 am
BrisketBoss wrote:
Wait what? Talking to a girl is equivalent to treating her as an object of desire? We teach boys that girls are people by telling them only to interact with them when they're ready to, and incidental to the process of, select/ing a s*xual partner for life? I don't get it. I think there are more logical explanations to use for keeping a separation if that's what your community does.


Actually, yes. Nothing screams respect for a woman more than a lifetime commitment! So strange how you call a marriage partner a sxl partner.
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amother
Clematis


 

Post Sun, Jan 16 2022, 12:17 am
amother [ Holly ] wrote:
This sounds innocent. It certainly doesn't sound inappropriate. No reason to make a big deal out of it. Soon school will start and they'll both be busy. Obviously don't have her hanging out at his house and there's no reason for him to come over to yours, but I don't see any reason to make a mountain out of a molehill.

If they are frum and yeshivahs definitely inappropriate.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 16 2022, 12:20 am
amother [ Moonstone ] wrote:
I'm guessing you haven't had a 12 year old son yet. An healthy interest in girls, sure, but a real crush at 12, in a world where they are so sheltered, is surprising.


For real ?? Scratching Head
My boys were having crushes and noticing girls were pretty at way younger then that. My six year old recently told me that he loves girls who look pretty and wear makeup on Shabbos. I was having crushes at age 6 or 7 as well. It’s not s-xual till much older but it’s still a crush .
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